Ugh

I'm so tired

Roll, Roll, Roll on Rollercoaster

Things were good the last couple of days. We talked, smoothed things out. Today, however, feels like he's not telling me something. Who knows anymore...

On another note, my allergies are killing me. Perhaps there's a sinus infection a-brewin'. And its hot outside.

All conspire to make wonderful times. (Sarcasm, btw)

When a Twit Tweets

I became reacquainted with my twitter account. Holy hell, its depressing. I tweeted ALOT about Mr. X and...we'll leave it at that. Its kinda sad and funny at the same time. Its kinda a good thing I don't have any followers...
Looking for a good time? Check out @Velvet_Crushed
*facepalm*

And Then it Hits Me Like a Ton of Bricks...

Yeah, twice in one day! I just had to come back.
For the first time in a really long time, I cried.
I realized I don't want to be a coward. I don't want him to vanish. I don't want us to not be a part of each other's lives.
Its making me tear up again to even think about writing this, but, I don't just want him to be a part of my life, I need him to be.
For a long time now, he's been such a major source of support. He's listened to me, even if it was something so minor that I blew out of proportion. He's just let me cry on the phone and never acted like I was bothering him.He let me have crazy rants (even about him). He makes me feel special. He makes me feel loved. He just makes me feel.
And I think that I wouldn't be struggling so much with all of this if he wasn't a HUGE part of my life. He's beyond important to me. It feels like he's right here with me, when he's soooo far away.
I hate that right now he feels so far away.
He's my best friend.

Jane! Get Me Off This Crazy Thing!!!!

So I've been trying hard to keep my head on straight. Things keep moving so fast, I don't know which end is up lately.
And I can't help but think so much. Too much and that's just bad. It usually gets me into alot of trouble. Grr.
All I know is I can't help the way I feel as much as I'm currently wishing I could just change it. But at times like this I do wanna reduce myself to cowardice and take the "easy" road. Its safe.
And then part of me is just expecting him to vanish. So I guess as much as I'm passed Mr. X, the scars are still just a little fresh. But then again, I do have my reasons for feeling like we'll no longer be apart of eachother's lives anymore. (God, I hope he doesn't read my blog anymore).
I don't know, I was thrown for a loop the other night and I'm thinking he said things he really didn't mean. Maybe I'm not the only one not thinking straight. Its crazy. He's supposed to be my best friend, who I usually talk to about things. Where am I to go now? Yikes! Its weird talking to him about us.
Oh well.
We'll see how things work out.

I Guess That Foot Must Taste Pretty Good if I keep Sticking it in My Mouth...

*sigh* So have you ever said something to someone hoping things would turn out a certain way only for them to play out exactly the opposite? I just wanted it to be a happy moment. It just wasn't.

Some moments are happier in silence: lesson learned

Maybe "Life" can be a losing game too...

 I was just thinking about this song the other day. And then Amy Winehouse passed away. An amazing talent whose songs always seemed to fit my life well...

And I'm sorry to whoever put this video together...this isn't that great. Sorry!

Is History Bound to Repeat Itself?

*sigh* I don't know. This current situation is starting to remind me of what happened with Mr. X(formerly Douchey). That scares the shit out of me. I hoped nothing of that magnitude would happen again. To hurt that much again would just crush me, especially with this person.
Sometimes, though, it feels like its supposed to happen. I'm supposed to let him go. I was told I was a "godsend" to this person and that I was brought into his life to help through a rough patch. That part's done and he has moved on. So where does that leave me?
And everything feels so different. Its felt different for a while. I don't know if he feels it or knows it. Last night I said something for which his response was not what I thought he'd say. When I asked about it, he said that he was saying what he thought I wanted him to say. And horribly, that made me wonder if everything he's said has been because he thought I wanted him to say it.
And I just feel incredibly stupid for letting this "friendship" become so complicated. For getting so attached. And nothing can ever be the way that it was.
So now, I don't know what to do. Am I faced with the decision to stay in his life or leave? Because now I'm just afraid to talk to him.

[Insert Something Ironic Here]

So occasionally I suffer from "Foot-in-Mouth" syndrome. This is one of those occassions. It happens, though. The only way I can get my foot out of my mouth is to eat a little crow.

On another note, I've been doing an insane amount of writing and I LOVE it! My oh my, how relaxing and lovely it is that sometimes I want to light a cigarette when I'm done... And I don't even smoke.

Gsh, but there is just someone I can't stop thinking about. And how, yes, I said something I completely regret. Which doesn't happen too often. Oh, I am but human and subject to human-ness. We'll see what happens.

When the wheels of the brain turn, the tom-tom of the heart stops beating

There are somethings that are getting incredibly frustrating lately. They are out of my control though. I have very few regrets, but I regret letting a certain situation get to the point it has to eventually make me feel the way I do. Its horrible, aggravating and just incredibly heartbreaking. Then again, I might've let myself become those things. Maybe I do have control. I want it to stop. I need it to stop. I hate having too much back and forth with people.

You do or you don't
You will or you won't
It is or it isn't
I am or I am not
Just pick one and, please, stick with it
Or it all has to stop

Maybe its Easier to Break Hearts When You Don't Have One...

This song makes me cry. I love it and how haunting it is. Its definitely one of those songs that I can relate to and it just makes me feel. Right now, its perfect.

Watching the count go down

A fire can burn bright and fierce. It will die when smothered. Lesson learned.

This is a test....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This concludes our Screaming My Ass Off Broadcast System Test....
Had this been an actual Scream, your eardrums would have ruptured and began pouring blood down the side of your head...followed by instructions on the location of the nearest shelter from the crazy screaming lady.
Again, this is just a test. Thank you and have a nice day

"Sorry, but your name isn't on the guest list to my life..."

The one thing I hate about having a past is that it inevitably comes back to haunt you/bite you in the ass. Trite, but that's all I got.
I guess without going into too much detail, I was contacted by someone with whom I'd rather not have contact with. Funny how that works. There are some people that I'd love to reconnect with and we've lost touch. And then there's those people that I've discarded from my life for a reason (usually a GOOD reason) and they take it upon themselves to try to make a comeback. Um, no thanks, I don't want you in my life...EVER AGAIN. Thanks for stopping by...have a nice day and fuck you very much.
Ugh.
I hate life right about now.
But I'm done complaining.