Dear "Fry",
I love you. You say that you love me. We each want what's best for the other. We've started something. We've ended it. We've decided to let things be. We've been back and forth on what we are and what could be. You say you are too damaged for a "relationship". You could never put trust in another person like you did with her because you don't want anybody (even me) to hurt you the way she has. You say that you aren't as strong as I am.
I don't think that I'm strong. I come with baggage too. But I don't compare you to anybody. I don't assume you'll be like Mr. X. When you say "I love you", I believe it. I trust it. I know it. I do it because I don't want to be the only person I trust. I do it because you've seen me at my worst, and I, you. We've pulled eachother out of the depths of hell. Yes, there is alot of hurt and pain out there. But there is also love and warmth and happiness. In order to truly find it, you have to let go and open yourself to the possibility. ALL of the possibilities. I believe that to really love you must be willing to hurt. And that's just who I am.
I don't expect you to change. Its ok if you don't. I know that you will never wake up one morning and confirm your thought that I could be "the one". I never expect you to say again that I'm someone you could see yourself marrying. Its not gonna happen. But am I unhappy? No. Do I still want to be here? Yes.
I've been close to leaving before. I just wanted to turn and walk away from you. From everything. All I was looking at was the bad. I felt like you didn't need me. I felt that maybe I was expecting those things from you. Maybe I was expecting you to want to be with me. I felt that I was holding you back and you didn't want that for us. You shouldn't limit yourself. You should "explore your options". I felt like leaving because when you said you don't think you could ever be in a relationship again, that you were just saying you just didn't want a relationship with me. I was allowing my past to interfere with my future. Especially since this happened after you thought we should try to have a relationship. But when I thought about not having you in my life, that idea hurt more than anything you could do/say. How is that? Well, if I walked away, I would never know what might've happened. I would rather throw caution to the wind and maybe we could have the greatest life together or maybe you hurt me. Maybe I hurt you (although I never want to). The truth is we just don't know. And I want to find out. We also promised to ALWAYS be a part of eachother's lives. I don't want to hurt you like that, by breaking a promise. Maybe you will heal from your heartache. Maybe you freaked out about us that one night because maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe you'll meet someone who will make you want to love with wreckless abandon. Someone who will make you either forget or just not care about what happened in the past. As much as I wish I could be that person for you, maybe I'm not. I don't know. Sometimes I think that when someone is the absolute most perfect person for you, you know. Just know. No matter where you are, what's happened to you. You know. I could be wrong. It could be different for everybody. But its not going to stop me from loving you the way that I do, as much as I do. You will always have my support 100%. You will always, at least, be my (best) friend, even if I can never be your love.
Love always,
"Leela"
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5 comments:
I love your heartfelt letter.
You know... I have to tell you that what you're going through sounds so much like what I was going through. I heard phrases like "I have walls." "I need to date around..." "I have baggage," while still dating me of course. Blah, blah, blah... This was a best friend that turned into more. I tried to be a friend anyway... regardless of the dating around, etc. I hurt... a LOT, and I tried to hide it, because that "wasn't reasonable."
I put myself on a singles' site... the same one my "best friend" was on. I met the wife three weeks later. She was the best thing that ever could have happened to me, for many reasons. The main reason being that I love her, of course, but I also removed myself from a bad situation, and ALL people involved in it.
The peace I felt within was welcome after the emotional roller coaster I had been on for so long. It was welcomed, where I didn't think a total change would be... and it was a total change. I started over, in a new life, where there was no drama, and in a relationship in which I felt loved and cared for.
I was scared on that first date, but I knew on my way home that night, that I had made the right choice by even meeting her, and then a few months later, by saying goodbye to someone who seemed to only want me when she couldn't have me.
I need to copy and paste this to the wife...lol. She would feel so loved! ;)
Thank you so much for this comment. Really. I'm just at a loss as to waht to say. :/
And you totally should show it to your wife, both of you are truly blessed to have found each other. I know that is waiting for me somewhere in my future :)
Yes it is!!! :)
I could have written this letter. Every blessed word of it.
The backstory is far different, but this is where we are now.
And this...
"Maybe you'll meet someone who will make you want to love with wreckless abandon. Someone who will make you either forget or just not care about what happened in the past."
...is the most terrifying thing in my life. I would lose everything, because I would not be strong enough to watch it happen. As much as I want and need him to be happy, it will kill me to see him with someone else. And yet the hollow of him not being there is more than I can even bear to think about...
I hope, in your case, he figures out what he is missing out on. I am so, so sorry, love. I really know how this feels.
@max xavier Thank you so much for you comment. It is both comforting and sad that you can relate. Although I know this is not a unique situation and at one point or another we may all encounter something as such.
I know how what you mean by how terrifying it would be if your loved one would move onto someone else. But its like I mentioned before, happiness and love come when you "open yourself to ALL the possibilites" that includes being hurt or having the one you love make an exit. Its all about letting go or at least being able to. Its hard to describe but if you can let go, its at that moment that you realize exactly what you want. I hope your situation works out in a way that you are both happy and loved.
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