My brain is full...

Well, I know I've been "silent" lately. I actually have a lot going on. Though there are plenty of nights where I feel like banging my head on the wall and I thank Lady Max for helping restore my sanity/common sense/calmness during this private-for-now matter. I think listening to the sweetness in her voice, alone, helps a great deal.

So, besides work and such, I've been reading again. I bought a few books MONTHS ago that have gone untouched 'til now. Unfortunately with one, I started reading it only to find it was not as interesting as I initially thought it would be.
I've tried writing again, but alas, remained blocked. Ideas easily come only to flit away just the same.
I have been watching movies that make me laugh. A lot. So far 1) Office Space 2) Swingers --of course 3) Going the Distance... OK so all of these movies have Ron Livingston in them, I just realized. He is gorgeous though...very. I still have a thing for Adrien Brody the most. I don't know what that is...the aqualine nose, the scrawny yet masculine frame, the soft voice, the goofy expressions that say 'Hey, I'm human'. I'm workin' on figuring that out.

And then I've been thinking about my relationship history. I just want to finally bring it all out and deal with it and move the f*ck on. If you can, bear with me as I start this journey of self-healing through re-discovery. As mentioned, I've always been quite appreciative of all the wonderful support and feedback from the readers that remain :)

Ex #1
I was 18. He was 19. I thought he was so incredibly wonderful and he thought I was adorable and funny. It was the first time I had felt like I "connected" with someone. We had so much in common and, well, when you're young, the first time you "love" someone, you think the world is just beginning. The first few months were amazing. We laughed, we talked, we saw movies together, walked through bookstores together, and watched The Simpsons together over the phone. When we met, he had just gotten over his ex whom he caught sleeping with his roommate. We went away for a weekend to celebrate Valentine's day late (he was working and I was in college). After we checked-in to our hotel and got settled in our room, he pulled out a heart-shaped Ring Pop, got down on one knee and proposed to me. After saying 'yes', he kissed me and told me that he would give me the real ring I deserved when he could afford to. I said I didn't care about that. We cuddled in bed and talked of our future. He asked if we could start a family right away. He was looking forward to having children with me. We both hoped they were fiery red-heads like him. That night he became the first person I gave myself to. It was a big deal for me.
About a month or so later, he stopped coming around and calling as much. When we talked, he seemed distant, tired, depressed and just like he was having a hard time. He started working two jobs and didn't have much time...apparently to the point where he just disappeared without warning. I called and called never to get a response and after about a week and a half, I realized there was no finding him again.
OK, not so dramatically, I did find him again a few years later while dating the guy I started dating after him, through the magic of Myspace. I sent him a message basically saying: "Hi, remember me?"
He responded with a longer message apologizing for what he did. Supposedly he fell on really hard times, the kind where even working two jobs still wasn't keeping him on his feet. I became friends with the girl he was dating then (later, she would become his wife). She didn't know he and I were exes, and one day she began opening up to me about problems they were having, she was worried because he extensively cheated on every girl he dated. When they started seeing each other, he apparently gave her a break-down of his past. She even described his and my relationship and the sordid details of his affairs...which he had slept with someone before AND after proposing to me. Yup, my first 'love' didn't really love me. Even though it hurt to find that out, I was happy I moved on. 

Bleh

I'm still having a hard time.
Granted, I do have good days but the bad days so far outnumber the good.
I'm wondering if what makes it harder is that the whole timeline is similar to what happened with Douchey.
I mean even as we (Sweetness and I) had been friends for a long time, feelings and such came to light in Summer and then went down hill in Fall and ended in Winter. I hate the similarities, except I was really in love with Sweetness and saw more of a future with him than with Douchey. Probably because Douchey and I were only ever just friends. We didn't have a relationship...or "Try" as Sweetness had put it.
And I've been questioning what I'm even expecting in the future. I'm not sure I'd even consider "getting out there" again. I just don't like dating. That was a problem between Sweetness and I. He knows eventually he wants to other women again and I can't date around. I've never been the type to date more than one person at a time. Its just a personal preference because I think it increases the likelihood of someone getting hurt and I would hate to be in a situation where I'd have to "choose" between people. I don't know, that's how I see it. And he doesn't ever want to be in a relationship again...or so he says. I still have a feeling it was another "I just don't want to be with you" kinda things. I have no idea.
I've gone out a few times to be with "friends". I had a problem with a couple of friends which I'll blog about at a later date, though it was a thoroughly disappointing situation to be in..twice. And I had fun. But inevitably my thoughts turned to Sweetness.
I just want to be OK again. Its just tough having been so incredibly close to someone and to have it fall apart.
I hate being a mess

Things Get Worse....

Before they get better. I'm hoping that's the case. Left and right parts of my life just keep falling apart. Its starting to take its toll. I've been really trying to stay positive but its getting harder. And I definitely want to deal with things, but with so much going on, its difficult to decide which to deal with first. I know the last thing I need to deal with is Sweetness breaking up with me. That's been put on the back burner since other problems involve more than just me. But it is a major adjustment. When something happens, I pick up the phone, but then I remember I can't go running to him anymore. That kinda makes me feel alone and ache alllll over again.
I'm hoping that with Halloween tomorrow, I can just take a night to relax and enjoy the fun and excitement the night brings.

Back to Square One

Well, we had a long break-up. At least it was the longest break-up I've ever had. My other relationships ended when the guys stopped talking to me...pretty much after a week of not hearing from them I realized it was over.
With Sweetness, we spent a lot of time talking and crying. Yes, we both cried. I'm thinking for different reasons. Mine being, well, because I'm heartbroken. Him, probably because he's still feeling "fucked up". He kept apologizing for everything. I eventually had to tell him to stop since it wasn't exactly helping the situation. I've cried since then, but honestly, not as much as I thought I would. I mean, I know I felt it coming but, I was really in love with him so I thought it would be harder. *shrug* I don't know. Maybe I'm just too tired to grieve.
He said that he just didn't see our relationship working out. He feels that its all him because of how messed up he is still. He thinks I'm amazing. He doesn't know exactly what happened. He said in the beginning he was really happy. Probably the most happy he'd ever been but then something just stopped making him happy. He started getting anxiety over us and didn't trust the relationship. BUT he still loves me. Eh. I just know he wasn't happy. It doesn't matter what the reason is I guess.
Anyway, I don't know where I'm going from here. I haven't made up my mind yet as to what's next. I think I won't date for quite a long time. I'm tired of being dumped. We'll see what happens from here.

The Obvious

He broke up with me.

An End is Almost at Hand

First, I would like to thank one of my readers for taking the time to give some much needed (and very much appreciated) advice.
Second, I just wanna note how odd it is to write about a situation that is so current/ongoing. I guess with Mr. X I was used to writing about all that had already happened instead of what just happened and what might happen. And too, I don't know how he'd feel about me blogging about our "business". Its all anon so I hope thats ok. This is the best place for me to vent or unload my mind instead of going back to him a million times over with the same thing.

Which brings me to my current state. I let Sweetness know that I would email him some of my feelings and concerns. I was so tired of sitting on things/issues and wanted them out in the open for us to discuss and conclude upon. He sent me a text that he did receive and read my email but needed time to respond so as to gather his thoughts. And he said he was thinking alot about me.
Yup.
That's a little scary. Its almost exactly what Mr. X said so long ago when we were on the (at the time unknown to me) brink of departing.
So, I've been preparing myself for a new separation from yet another best friend with whom things have gotten too complicated. I don't even know if that's right to expect the worst. To expect that he would just leave me. But it just feels like the most logical conclusion. If that's how it goes, it will hurt. A lot. But at the same time, I still just want us both to be happy. Even if that means moving on from eachother. I don't know. My mind is in a strange place where its blank and all over the place at the same time. We'll see how it turns out.
Thank you to all who've lent support and words to me in this super crazy time! I'm always appreciative of my readers and commentors. :)

What's a Crazy Girl to do...

Well, today has been...interesting.
Its Sweetness's birthday (which apparently he doesn't like to celebrate). We started having a great convo this morning. Then...his ex sent him a birthday text. Aaaaand all his pain came back. I hated knowing he was/is in pain. I hate seeing any of my friends like that, but this time is different. It made me sad that he's allowing her to always have some sort of control over him. Because by allowing what he went through, what she put him through, to make him decide to never have a relationship again or put himself in a position where he "could" be hurt again is allowing her to continue to dominate his life. And as "happy" as he is that they are no longer together, he's still holding onto that heartache. He won't let go because he feels that he needs it as a reminder that HE is the only person he has. He won't leave himself therefore he won't hurt himself. Its sad that he's making that decision.
And even though I've decided to look for someone who actually wants to be with me, I do have to admit that it makes me sad and even hurts a little that he'll never truly realize what could be with me. He just would never be able to trust that I wouldn't hurt him. Or, well, to even take that chance. I know I wouldn't hurt him. I've never hurt anyone...to my knowledge. I've always been the one dumped, cheated on, lead on... I know what it feels like. I don't want to do it to someone else. I'm all about love, always. Its hard to gain my trust and even harder to win my heart, but once it happens, its almost as sure as "death and taxes". I'm always willing to try and work hard. But I can't make anyone love me or want me.
All I can do is just be there for him. I don't expect anyone to understand, but I do love him and even feel sometimes that he's the one, but if he's making that kind of decision, I don't want to be left standing out in the cold.

Open Letter to My Best Friend, My Sweetness

This is something I've been working on for a while. Its sat in my "Drafts" folder while I kept adding and taking away from it. Something tells me its the right time to post this. I'm almost pretty sure My Sweetness doesn't read my blog anymore. If he does, I sure hope he'll tell me. None of this is new to him so...


Dear "Fry",
I love you. You say that you love me. We each want what's best for the other. We've started something. We've ended it. We've decided to let things be. We've been back and forth on what we are and what could be. You say you are too damaged for a "relationship". You could never put trust in another person like you did with her because you don't want anybody (even me) to hurt you the way she has. You say that you aren't as strong as I am.
I don't think that I'm strong. I come with baggage too. But I don't compare you to anybody. I don't assume you'll be like Mr. X. When you say "I love you", I believe it. I trust it. I know it. I do it because I don't want to be the only person I trust. I do it because you've seen me at my worst, and I, you. We've pulled eachother out of the depths of hell. Yes, there is alot of hurt and pain out there. But there is also love and warmth and happiness. In order to truly find it, you have to let go and open yourself to the possibility. ALL of the possibilities. I believe that to really love you must be willing to hurt. And that's just who I am.
I don't expect you to change. Its ok if you don't. I know that you will never wake up one morning and confirm your thought that I could be "the one". I never expect you to say again that I'm someone you could see yourself marrying. Its not gonna happen. But am I unhappy? No. Do I still want to be here? Yes.
I've been close to leaving before. I just wanted to turn and walk away from you. From everything. All I was looking at was the bad. I felt like you didn't need me. I felt that maybe I was expecting those things from you. Maybe I was expecting you to want to be with me. I felt that I was holding you back and you didn't want that for us. You shouldn't limit yourself. You should "explore your options".  I felt like leaving because when you said you don't think you could ever be in a relationship again, that you were just saying you just didn't want a relationship with me. I was allowing my past to interfere with my future. Especially since this happened after you thought we should try to have a relationship. But when I thought about not having you in my life, that idea hurt more than anything you could do/say. How is that? Well, if I walked away, I would never know what might've happened. I would rather throw caution to the wind and maybe we could have the greatest life together or maybe you hurt me. Maybe I hurt you (although I never want to). The truth is we just don't know. And I want to find out. We also promised to ALWAYS be a part of eachother's lives. I don't want to hurt you like that, by breaking a promise. Maybe you will heal from your heartache. Maybe you freaked out about us that one night because maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe you'll meet someone who will make you want to love with wreckless abandon. Someone who will make you either forget or just not care about what happened in the past. As much as I wish I could be that person for you, maybe I'm not. I don't know. Sometimes I think that when someone is the absolute most perfect person for you, you know. Just know. No matter where you are, what's happened to you. You know. I could be wrong. It could be different for everybody. But its not going to stop me from loving you the way that I do, as much as I do. You will always have my support 100%. You will always, at least, be my (best) friend, even if I can never be your love.

Love always,
"Leela"

*I do not own the rights to the above image.

I'm Heartbroken and a Fool...with Good Dreams

I never thought I'd say this, but when the hell is Spring getting here? I'm hoping with a new season comes a feeling of new beginning or a chance for a fresh start. Time for "Spring cleaning", I guess.

So, yeah, that means I'm still hurting...alot. Always just trying to make sense of things. Keep replaying his and my words over and over again. I just wonder sometimes if its something I did or said or didn't say or do. Unless he's just an asshole in disguise. Or maybe, not. Talking with one of my friends the other day, I came up with the very real possibility that this guy is young (well, slightly younger than me, both in our 20s) and he may be smart and mature, but he still has to grow up. One thing I've come to learn with life is that when things get bad (because, hey, well all go through some tough shit!) you can take time for yourself to sort things out, but you never push your friends away. Well, not if they actually mean something to you. And if really, all he needed was time to sort his problems out, that's all he needed to say instead of the way he went about things. Another friend of mine thinks that he will contact me again in the future and that hopefully I'll be passed all this crap because I deserve so much better, in love and in friendship. I think so too.

I have a headache.

These last two weeks being sick has been horrible. Really.

However, I had a strange dream last night. *ok, here is where I back up and explain myself* Those who know me, know I am, for lack of a better description, a strange girl. And when I dream, you are damn skippy right they are strange. I also have prophetic dreams. A lot of the time, my dreams will actually come true-- or at least a part of them. I can dream about a person and will actually meet them in the future. Just don't call me psychic. I don't believe myself to be nor do I really believe in them. And I'm not saying that this dream will actually come true (haha). So, yeah...that's my story...back to the dream *side note: I suck at re-telling my dreams... (insert evil laugh)

The dream took place in a metropolitan-ish area. The sun was setting behind tall buildings and signs of night-life were begining to populate the streets. I was walking down a crowded avenue with a group of people some of whom I didn't know and others were "familiar strangers". I didn't recognize their faces but I did get vibes that I knew them. We were all dressed nicely and on our way to a restaurant for a birthday get-together. One of the gentlemen accompanying us began a conversation with me. He was tall, with brown hair and soft brown eyes. He had light, creamy skin and a great smile. He was british, his voice deep but gentle. I felt nervous as he moved to walk beside me but the instant he began to speak I felt a sudden rush of calm and was totally at ease. The conversation flowed easily and effortlessly, we spent the walk laughing and having a good time. We all arrived at this tiny Italian restaurant and he held the tall, heavy wooden door open for us to enter. I was the last to pass through and as I did, he grabbed me with his free hand and pulled me into him and gave me a deep kiss. I felt so overcome with passion as his warm lips found mine and pressed against them hard. He looked deep into my eyes and I had to quickly look away from the intensity. We all stood together waiting to be seated and he and I kept exchanging shy glances at eachother. Finally, at the table, he ordered a bottle of wine for everyone and looked at me and announced to everyone that there was "much to celebrate". The rest of the evening was full of laughter, great conversation and good times. The birthday girl was glowing and excited. I just remember feeling something I haven't felt in such a long time: belonging, happiness, love, togetherness, warmth and friendship. Despite being sick, I woke up in a good mood and a smile on my face.

Maybe that's the whole purpose of that dream to be filled with hope. Especially at this time when I felt so hopeless and lost. When confusion has taken over me and replaced beauty with darkness and emptiness. I take that dream and the smile it put on my face and will try to move forward in a positive manner and take care of me now. I can't mourn and grieve forever...

And with that should be the end of this entry, right? Well, no! Mwahahaha I still have a little bit more to say. I've been thinking alot lately and with everything: my job, my friends, my family, my life in general, I really think I'm going to make a giant leap for "me" kind and get the fuck outta dodge! Mama needs a change of scenery. I've been thinking of moving west. Northwest, southwest, west. I guess this is my "manifest destiny"...or maybe not. I just want to assert my need for independence and/or growth. And meeting new people and experiencing new things just might be good for me! We'll see!