An End is Almost at Hand

First, I would like to thank one of my readers for taking the time to give some much needed (and very much appreciated) advice.
Second, I just wanna note how odd it is to write about a situation that is so current/ongoing. I guess with Mr. X I was used to writing about all that had already happened instead of what just happened and what might happen. And too, I don't know how he'd feel about me blogging about our "business". Its all anon so I hope thats ok. This is the best place for me to vent or unload my mind instead of going back to him a million times over with the same thing.

Which brings me to my current state. I let Sweetness know that I would email him some of my feelings and concerns. I was so tired of sitting on things/issues and wanted them out in the open for us to discuss and conclude upon. He sent me a text that he did receive and read my email but needed time to respond so as to gather his thoughts. And he said he was thinking alot about me.
Yup.
That's a little scary. Its almost exactly what Mr. X said so long ago when we were on the (at the time unknown to me) brink of departing.
So, I've been preparing myself for a new separation from yet another best friend with whom things have gotten too complicated. I don't even know if that's right to expect the worst. To expect that he would just leave me. But it just feels like the most logical conclusion. If that's how it goes, it will hurt. A lot. But at the same time, I still just want us both to be happy. Even if that means moving on from eachother. I don't know. My mind is in a strange place where its blank and all over the place at the same time. We'll see how it turns out.
Thank you to all who've lent support and words to me in this super crazy time! I'm always appreciative of my readers and commentors. :)

"Butterfly Better Fly Away"

I think I'm going to take some time now to work on myself. I need to figure out exactly what I want out of life so that I may get out there to get it.
I know I want to feel special. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I'm the only woman my partner needs. I don't want to be one of many options. I want to be the one for someone. And I know he/she is out there.

The Bitch is Back

I smiled today.
It was nice.
Why did I smile?
Something inside me just sort of "clicked". I think that once and for all I can put Mr. X behind me. Which is amazing to feel free and healed.
I think this mostly came about because I was helping a friend through some drama with a guy. And she called me "Wise" with the advice I was giving her. She commented at how clearly I always see things and am able to diagnose and provide accurate advice to help her issues. So I really looked at her situation and the advice I gave and thought about how, in some aspects my words would apply to the situation with Mr.X (even though I am completely cut off from him communication-wise). So for once, I took my own advice. And it worked. So...If I could talk to him, I think this is pretty much what I would say:

Goodbye Mr. X. I loved you and cared for you more than you will ever know or care. Your friendship, at one time, meant so much to me and I loved all the great times we had. You provided a valuable and unforgettable experience in my life for which I have learned a great deal. I hoped that things would have ended in a more positive manner, however, I wish you luck and happiness with all that you do.

Always,
Forever Moved On

Eh, short but I guess that gets the point across. I just know that now I will never hurt again because of him. I entered into that relationship with him and, to be honest, thought it would be a strong, life-long companionship. Life has proved otherwise. And I know that the friends I do have in my life already are amazing and supportive and loving.
While I'm speaking on the subject of friends, I would like to thank my favorite blog stalker (and I think my only reader at this point) for all his support. I love you, buddy. Seriously though, dork, you need to tell me whether or not you wish to be anon. If so, I need a good nick name for you.

Otherwise, life is back on track and I am happy. I'm writing my short stories like freakin' crazy and its going so surprisingly well. One friend of mine thinks that once I finish, I should try and get them published. I laughed and said "Nobody likes short stories anymore". I think that mostly these are just for me. Like a well-written account of my dreams. Although, if I could make a decent living off being a published writer...I'd be happy...but nah..
Its just a great way to end August. If only it wasn't so damn hot. Then I'd be truly and completely happy. And then I could take over the world!

I Never Thought You'd Slip Away

I've been up and I've been down. Today, down. I don't know. I had a great Saturday. I drove with a friend to a small town about an hour and a half from where I live (yes, again with the small town drives!) It was amazing. We went to this little restaurant and had the most amazing goat burger!! I'll have to write a separate post about this later.
After eating we decided to walk around some antique shops. I love that. Its always so interesting for me to see how things that once belonged to someone, perhaps things that meant the world to a person at one time end up in a jumbled mass of stuff for sale. Then people rummage through this stuff trying only to find an item that is worth alot of money. I shake my head at them. I take my time. I look at every single thing. An old cast iron, woodburning stove, a postcard with a picture of roses with a heartfelt thought carefully written in delicate flowery penmanship by one cousin to another sending well wishes and love, a tattered and well used children's book, a set of mixing bowls from the 40s- a complete set, used but somehow in almost immaculate condition. Its so amazing to me. They are not just things. They were/are a part of life. At one time any given object was present during either a specific or even a random event in somebody's life. Memories...for sale.
Can you tell I'm down?
Well this morning found me with hopes for a better day. I had my usual bacon, eggs, and fresh scratch biscuits with coffee. That was somewhat comforting. Comfort food.
I don't know. I had a really good day during the week. I started my Spring Cleaning. I love it. I go through all my things and get rid of those that are unnecessary. I thoroughly clean EVERYTHING. I go and go and go until my back hurts and my knees ache. I use every muscle in my body to bring freshness into my house. I was so happy. I had an "Angela" moment. Ya know from "My So-Called Life". There was that episode where Angela (played by Clair Danes) had woken up in the morning so over Jordan Catalano (played by a yummy Jared Leto). She started dancing around her bedroom to the Violent Femmes song, "Blister in the Sun". That was me. I woke up feeling so free. I felt like for once I could finally breathe I didn't have that sort of, kinda over it feeling laced with a heaviness like I had been feeling. I put my ipod on shuffle and cleaned and danced around to all the fast songs and sang all the slow ones. My favorite song was "Heads Will Roll" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
At one point I happened to glance out the window and saw a scraggly little tree in the distance. It wasn't green and blooming like the others. It was small, grey and devoid of leaves. It was as if Winter's embrace would not let go. At first I thought I might be like that tree. Then a crow landed on the top branch. It just settled and sat there. On this particular day the wind blew fiercely. I could hear it shaking the screens on my windows. A soft "woosh" sound surrounded the house. Each strong gust threatened to throw the bird from the tree. The tree danced wildly back and forth, each and every limb flailing with such violent movements. And the crow foolishly and stubbornly clung to that top branch, never waivering. That was me. Though the tree was making obvious attempts to rid itself of the burden brought by the weight of the crow, the crow was unyielding. It wanted to remain in that spot, happy for whatever reason. The tree didn't want it. The tree was unhappy with the presence of the crow. Either the crow was blissfully ignorant or just didn't care. The tree wanted to be free, the crow wanted to settle and rest. Finally the crow flew away and surprisingly the wind subsided and the tree stood still. *I decided to turn that experience into a short story. I'm almost done with it. Just a side note.
It just made me feel down. I thought of a song that Douchey (the ex bff) sent me from Shinedown, "The Crow and the Butterfly"


And then it made me think of how it was all like a domino effect. First he pulled away and then slowly all my other friends are pulling away. I don't talk to anyone lately. With the exception of one person. Ok well I can't escape the people I live with. That's one good thing. But I guess I just feel alone. Especially at a time when I don't want to. And I hate that maybe I'm not 100% over losing Douchey. I want to be. I need to be. He's moved on I'm sure. Why can't I? Did he mean more to me than I did to him? Is that what makes it easier?