Bleh

I'm still having a hard time.
Granted, I do have good days but the bad days so far outnumber the good.
I'm wondering if what makes it harder is that the whole timeline is similar to what happened with Douchey.
I mean even as we (Sweetness and I) had been friends for a long time, feelings and such came to light in Summer and then went down hill in Fall and ended in Winter. I hate the similarities, except I was really in love with Sweetness and saw more of a future with him than with Douchey. Probably because Douchey and I were only ever just friends. We didn't have a relationship...or "Try" as Sweetness had put it.
And I've been questioning what I'm even expecting in the future. I'm not sure I'd even consider "getting out there" again. I just don't like dating. That was a problem between Sweetness and I. He knows eventually he wants to other women again and I can't date around. I've never been the type to date more than one person at a time. Its just a personal preference because I think it increases the likelihood of someone getting hurt and I would hate to be in a situation where I'd have to "choose" between people. I don't know, that's how I see it. And he doesn't ever want to be in a relationship again...or so he says. I still have a feeling it was another "I just don't want to be with you" kinda things. I have no idea.
I've gone out a few times to be with "friends". I had a problem with a couple of friends which I'll blog about at a later date, though it was a thoroughly disappointing situation to be in..twice. And I had fun. But inevitably my thoughts turned to Sweetness.
I just want to be OK again. Its just tough having been so incredibly close to someone and to have it fall apart.
I hate being a mess

I don't know what to say.

Well, thank you to all who have been there for me during that whole ordeal with Sweetness.

I just have so much stress in just about every aspect of my life that its just finally taken its toll on me. I shut down for a few days and just let myself cry and cry and try to get it all out of my system so that hopefully soon I can get up, put on my strong face and keep moving forward. That day isn't today though.

I think I just want this year to be done with already. I'd gladly skip over Christmas this year, too.

I had this stupid dream about Douchey. He was just standing in front of me, laughing. 

I don't know. I think I just dreamed of him since its been two years since our trip together and how quickly it all went downhill. Thinking back on it now, I realize all the signs and red flags that I should have paid attention to. I'm just happy he's no longer in my life. 

Finding Where I Fit in the Pouring Rain

Earlier in the evening, I had the opportunity to sit and watch the most wonderous lightning storm. The smell of rain was heavy in the air and a wickedly strong, yet sweet wind blew with an incredible force. It was exactly what I needed tonight. After the day I had, I needed this calm before the storm. And even as the storm came, there was still much catharsis in the pouring of the cold rain on my skin.

Then, as I was going through some old CD mixes I made a long time ago, I found this song and can't believe I ever forgot it. I LOVED this song something crazy. I still do.





OH! And I had a dream about Mr. X (formerly Douchey..still). I don't remember too much detail. I know that I was doing some daily mundane task and there he was standing next to me. He had his half-smile, wearing his grey hoodie with black skulls on it. As I was working, he was talking to me. He kept on about how our friendship had meant so much to him and blah blah blah... I don't remember all of what he said, just that I started feeling overwhelmingly bothered by his presence. Not because I was busy, but because it was him. Had anybody else been standing there, I would've been fine talking and getting shit done. I couldn't even stand to look at him without wanting to roll my eyes and yell at him to leave. I was happy to wake up.

I Can't Believe You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth. If Only She Knew What You've Done With It.

So today has been kinda...eh. I woke up this morning with a reminder alert on my phone that today is Mr. X's birthday. I guess that's the only thing of him I forgot to erase. Then I just started feeling kinda down. Its definitely not because I miss him or anything. Because, really, I DO NOT! I guess I just don't want to be used again like that. I say 'used' because basically that's what he did. I was some sort of "filler" between his relationships. When we met he was just getting out of a bad one. We clicked, became instant friends and we were talking alllllll the time. You know, the preliminary getting to know someone, the "Oh you are sooo new and interesting" phase. Then he seemingly changed over night. Thinking back on it, there was never a gradual change like their usually is when you settle into a friendship/relationship.So I'm thinking it was about that time that he probably met her. And THEN we had this nice vacation together...well nice except for the fact that he kept throwing around phrases like "I'm SO glad I'm single" and "I'm happy not to be in a relationship" and "I'm not looking to be with anybody". Yeah, that crap. All this said after flirting with and hitting on me. Really. Well, during our entire friendship he flirted with and hit on me (He even brought it up once). Just during the trip we took, it seemed like he really put it on max. That did send up some red flags. Finally there was a couple of odd and uncomfortable weeks where occassionally we would chat. He even text me randomly once just because he'd been "thinking about me alot". And then finally he gave me the goodbye speech. In text, no less. I called him and he rejected my call only to text me a bit later saying he needed time to be alone because he'd been going through alot. *rolls eyes* Is that really how you treat someone whom you supposedly considered to be an important part of your life??
And I grieved over the loss of my "best friend". I hurt. I cried. I ached.
Come to find out a couple months later that he had been dating someone. He said he and I had feelings for eachother but he didn't want to take it any further with me since he wasn't ready, but secretly (to me anyway) he was dating somebody. And that's when it hit me. He used me.
I was just so infuriated. I cried these incredibly hot tears that felt like they alone could melt the sun. I'll never know why he didn't want to just tell me. I knew that what he was trying to tell me on our vacation was that he just didn't want to be with ME. He was just too much of an immature coward to come out and say it.
I don't want to be used again. I don't want to be a "filler". I don't want to be a "rebound".
Since we both like the same band, this is my birthday gift to Mr. X. Happy Birthday, Douchebag.

When a Strange Girl Has Yet Another Strange Dream

Oy vey! As if my dreams aren't enough to have me certified crazy as it is, I had, perhaps, the strangest dream last night...all without needing that XXX rating (*wink)
It started out "normal" enough. Just hanging out at a cafe with some people, chatting and having fun. Then I decided to whip out my laptop to check some email. Much to my dismay, there was an email from Mr. X (STILL annoyed that he makes random appearances in my dreams). I sigh, shrug and open the message. Slowly, intrigue turns to confusion as I make my way through the lines of type. He starts the email by apologizing for being a douchebag and mentions that he misses our friendship (blah, blah, blah) and then starts describing how he's "found" himself. He says that he's finally come to terms with his fetish for crossdressing males. He has even met and fallen in love with "Paul/Pauline". He even goes so far as to attach some lovely pictures of him and Paul/Pauline. Yes, one picture is of him and an obviously balding, older male both with goofy grins on their faces and the second picture is of him and Paul- all dolled up: Blonde curly wig, hideous blue frosted eyeshadow, nude lipstick and pink blush. The icing on the cake is the garrish 80s-style, shiny blue prom dress ensemble with black fishnet stockings and faux patent leather pumps. The cherry on top of all that goodness was Mr. X planting a huge kiss on Pauline's make-up-caked cheek.
Now, just to be clear, one of my favorite sayings and general rules of life is: To each, his own. I have been so lucky as to have been raised to be open-minded and accepting of people who are different from me. And I am. I love diversity. It makes the world go 'round. I just think that in the dream it was shocking and funny to see that just because it came out of nowhere. It was completely random and what would've been the point? Like he thought by sending me that it would be a shock? I don't care. Whatever floats your boat, makes you happy, completes you. All that jazz.
And really, why the hell would my mind decide to play that card? There had been times that I wondered if Mr. X was gay, but again, I wouldn't have cared.
Maybe it was my brain's way of joking with me, as if to say, "Ha ha! Bitch, you have NO control over me! I do what I want!" Maybe it was just comic relief especially after the last few days I've been having. Who knows at this point. It was definitely different from the other dreams I've had featuring Mr. X (a.k.a Douchey).
On a completely different note, apparently we are to going to get yet another round of "Winter Weather" here in good ol' South Texas. Hot cocoa with mini-marshmallows are a-callin' my name!
Lets see what picture-show awaits me after I drift off to slumber tonight!

And So We Change With The Seasons

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I last posted. Wow, time flies when, well, you are living... Although I have no idea what it does when you are dead. Either way, I'm back. Just not back from the dead. Or am I? How trendy, a zombie reference.
Anyway.
So life has been going through some major changes which have me excited beyond belief. I have been in such a happy place these last few weeks, its like I can breathe fresh air again. As if the windows finally came unstuck and were opened to air out a stuffy room. I like it. And so do my lungs- they can appreciate a nice metaphor.
The only problem I'm having with my current situation is support. I have been gettin some amazing support from all of my friends except one. Sadly, its the one person that I hoped would be there for me. It just hurts that after all the countless times I've dropped everything to lend my support and care to this person, the one time I could use it in return...bam! gone. I kinda expected it though. So I guess I'm not surprised, just hurt. But what can I do? What I've done for this person will be missed when its gone. And its going fast. Its at the point where I have to look out for myself now. I can't babysit and hold someone's hand who obviously refuses to grow up and deal with life and its ups and downs realistically. And I know I'm saying that at the risk of sounding like a hypocrit. And maybe I am. The difference is I can deal with it.
Unfortunately that's not the only loop I've been thrown. I put Mr. X behind me a while ago. I haven't so much as thought of him in a long time and I was happier for it. I came to terms with everything but my subconscious won't let him go. Its getting ridiculous. I had a dream about him the other night that, in all honesty, left me to wake up rolling my eyes and sighing like I was being bothered.
In the dream I was sitting in a strange room checking my email on a computer. I noticed I had one from Mr. X. He was basically apologizing for the way things turned out and explaining everything he had gone through and blah blah blah. Next thing I know, he's there with me in my home for a visit. He kept hugging me and smiling and was happy. He did apologize again in person and said he was happy to rebuild what we had before. And it goes on but, eh, it was just a dream.
I just hope this is truly the end of it and I can carry on never having him enter my head. I wasn't kidding when I said I was over it already. I even debated bringing this up in blog. But its a part of my life and that's what I'm sharing, my life.
When's Thanksgiving already? I want some damn Turkey...
Hope everyone is well!

The Bitch is Back

I smiled today.
It was nice.
Why did I smile?
Something inside me just sort of "clicked". I think that once and for all I can put Mr. X behind me. Which is amazing to feel free and healed.
I think this mostly came about because I was helping a friend through some drama with a guy. And she called me "Wise" with the advice I was giving her. She commented at how clearly I always see things and am able to diagnose and provide accurate advice to help her issues. So I really looked at her situation and the advice I gave and thought about how, in some aspects my words would apply to the situation with Mr.X (even though I am completely cut off from him communication-wise). So for once, I took my own advice. And it worked. So...If I could talk to him, I think this is pretty much what I would say:

Goodbye Mr. X. I loved you and cared for you more than you will ever know or care. Your friendship, at one time, meant so much to me and I loved all the great times we had. You provided a valuable and unforgettable experience in my life for which I have learned a great deal. I hoped that things would have ended in a more positive manner, however, I wish you luck and happiness with all that you do.

Always,
Forever Moved On

Eh, short but I guess that gets the point across. I just know that now I will never hurt again because of him. I entered into that relationship with him and, to be honest, thought it would be a strong, life-long companionship. Life has proved otherwise. And I know that the friends I do have in my life already are amazing and supportive and loving.
While I'm speaking on the subject of friends, I would like to thank my favorite blog stalker (and I think my only reader at this point) for all his support. I love you, buddy. Seriously though, dork, you need to tell me whether or not you wish to be anon. If so, I need a good nick name for you.

Otherwise, life is back on track and I am happy. I'm writing my short stories like freakin' crazy and its going so surprisingly well. One friend of mine thinks that once I finish, I should try and get them published. I laughed and said "Nobody likes short stories anymore". I think that mostly these are just for me. Like a well-written account of my dreams. Although, if I could make a decent living off being a published writer...I'd be happy...but nah..
Its just a great way to end August. If only it wasn't so damn hot. Then I'd be truly and completely happy. And then I could take over the world!

"Your Own Icicle Island"

The title for this post will make sense in a bit.
I really hate being dragged into someone else's drama.
I mean seriously, a person I haven't seen for over 10 years is using the fact that we are "friends" to start drama between two of my other friends. Nice one.
So, all that is just bringing me down lately. Its horrible for this person to tell a lie about me in order to push these two people apart from eachother out of jealousy and bitterness. It just seems so childish. And it is. I just can't fathom someone doing something like that at this stage of life. Or, well, ever.
I just have to roll my eyes and remind my friends that if they automatically believe what they are being told instead of talking to the other person in question then its just not worth it to me to fight for the friendship. Is that harsh?
Eh, well its just all so confusing lately. I don't necessarily hold grudges, I'll let things go, but I won't forgive and I cut the person out of my life. And it sucks to have to be doing that now. I love my friends all so deeply, especially since I've had most of my friends now for years and years. But to be put into situations like the current one I'm in, it makes it hard to feel like any of it is worth it.
And then that just makes me feel like a hipocrite. Why? Because I've been missing and thinking about Mr. X (formerly Douchey) and it's weird. I felt like I had let go, finally, and was moving on, finally. And then it seems like *poof* there he is again in my head and my dreams. *sigh* I don't know. Maybe it'll help to just remember that he moved on. He's gone from my life for a reason, right? Gotta be strong.
Oh but speaking of dreams, I had some weird dreams last night. But I bought a journal to keep track of my dreams. I'm making short stories out of them. So far, I have three! Its absolutely awesome to be writing in that sense again. I can't believe how much I've missed it so. Hopefully it turns out well. So far my stories are liked. That's a big plus.
And I guess speaking of Mr. X, and reading a reader's blog, and thinking of my current situation with some friends, I've been listening to this song alot. Enjoy.