I had a dream about Sweetness. In my dream, he called me up. I was confused about why he would call so I answered and he just started yelling at me. I don't even remember about what anymore. I was just so taken aback and dumbfounded. I listened for what felt like eternity never getting to respond.
Then I woke up.
I guess its just funny because in reality I was the one yelling (OK, not yelling but speaking with force) at him for what he did.
At least work wasn't too bad. There's always at least one person who is able to make everyone laugh. I'm glad i had that.
I'm still having a hard time.
Granted, I do have good days but the bad days so far outnumber the good.
I'm wondering if what makes it harder is that the whole timeline is similar to what happened with Douchey.
I mean even as we (Sweetness and I) had been friends for a long time, feelings and such came to light in Summer and then went down hill in Fall and ended in Winter. I hate the similarities, except I was really in love with Sweetness and saw more of a future with him than with Douchey. Probably because Douchey and I were only ever just friends. We didn't have a relationship...or "Try" as Sweetness had put it.
And I've been questioning what I'm even expecting in the future. I'm not sure I'd even consider "getting out there" again. I just don't like dating. That was a problem between Sweetness and I. He knows eventually he wants to other women again and I can't date around. I've never been the type to date more than one person at a time. Its just a personal preference because I think it increases the likelihood of someone getting hurt and I would hate to be in a situation where I'd have to "choose" between people. I don't know, that's how I see it. And he doesn't ever want to be in a relationship again...or so he says. I still have a feeling it was another "I just don't want to be with you" kinda things. I have no idea.
I've gone out a few times to be with "friends". I had a problem with a couple of friends which I'll blog about at a later date, though it was a thoroughly disappointing situation to be in..twice. And I had fun. But inevitably my thoughts turned to Sweetness.
I just want to be OK again. Its just tough having been so incredibly close to someone and to have it fall apart.
I hate being a mess
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I don't know what to say.
Well, thank you to all who have been there for me during that whole ordeal with Sweetness.
I just have so much stress in just about every aspect of my life that its just finally taken its toll on me. I shut down for a few days and just let myself cry and cry and try to get it all out of my system so that hopefully soon I can get up, put on my strong face and keep moving forward. That day isn't today though.
I think I just want this year to be done with already. I'd gladly skip over Christmas this year, too.
I had this stupid dream about Douchey. He was just standing in front of me, laughing.
I don't know. I think I just dreamed of him since its been two years since our trip together and how quickly it all went downhill. Thinking back on it now, I realize all the signs and red flags that I should have paid attention to. I'm just happy he's no longer in my life.
Ok, well, Sweetness and I have remained "friends". I put added the quotation marks because, well, its like we're still in a relationship. We still spend alot of time together. He's even mentioned that he sees me as "more than a friend". He still calls me Love and "my love" and says I love you. And I don't think its to take advantage of me and how much I love him. I think its that he actually does feel the way he says about me. He still gets VERY emotional at times when we talk. I know the sound of him when he's been crying. He gets like that often when we talk. During one of his emotional breakdowns he even mentioned that he still thinks about us and me and what he's missing out on by not being able to be in a relationship.
I suggested to him that he's depressed. He said if finally hit him that he is. He's been trying to work through it and heal. Who knows.
I just know that I'm not letting him effect what I need to do for myself. But he's still an amazing support system for me and I for him. He's cried with me when I broke down about what I have going on in other areas of my life. He's text me randomly during the day that he's worried about me. He's tried to cheer me up and do/say things that he knows will make me laugh. He's been amazing lately and admittedly more like himself than he was when we were together. That does make me happy for him.
The one weird thing is how he gets when I talk about Buddy. Its like he feels that he can't live up to the ghost, the memory of Buddy. That's just not true. Its like he has to compete with him or that I don't love him as much as I love/d Buddy. Again, not true. Its just awkward. Its like Sweetness doesn't feel like he's good enough for me. I said to him once: Its not what kind of/how much baggage we have, its how we deal with it. So, if he feels he isn't good enough for me, he's not. Ya know? I guess like self-fulfilling prophecy. But then again, the only person he should feel good enough for is himself.
Before they get better. I'm hoping that's the case. Left and right parts of my life just keep falling apart. Its starting to take its toll. I've been really trying to stay positive but its getting harder. And I definitely want to deal with things, but with so much going on, its difficult to decide which to deal with first. I know the last thing I need to deal with is Sweetness breaking up with me. That's been put on the back burner since other problems involve more than just me. But it is a major adjustment. When something happens, I pick up the phone, but then I remember I can't go running to him anymore. That kinda makes me feel alone and ache alllll over again.
I'm hoping that with Halloween tomorrow, I can just take a night to relax and enjoy the fun and excitement the night brings.
Well, we had a long break-up. At least it was the longest break-up I've ever had. My other relationships ended when the guys stopped talking to me...pretty much after a week of not hearing from them I realized it was over.
With Sweetness, we spent a lot of time talking and crying. Yes, we both cried. I'm thinking for different reasons. Mine being, well, because I'm heartbroken. Him, probably because he's still feeling "fucked up". He kept apologizing for everything. I eventually had to tell him to stop since it wasn't exactly helping the situation. I've cried since then, but honestly, not as much as I thought I would. I mean, I know I felt it coming but, I was really in love with him so I thought it would be harder. *shrug* I don't know. Maybe I'm just too tired to grieve.
He said that he just didn't see our relationship working out. He feels that its all him because of how messed up he is still. He thinks I'm amazing. He doesn't know exactly what happened. He said in the beginning he was really happy. Probably the most happy he'd ever been but then something just stopped making him happy. He started getting anxiety over us and didn't trust the relationship. BUT he still loves me. Eh. I just know he wasn't happy. It doesn't matter what the reason is I guess.
Anyway, I don't know where I'm going from here. I haven't made up my mind yet as to what's next. I think I won't date for quite a long time. I'm tired of being dumped. We'll see what happens from here.
He's been slipping away for sometime now. We talk less and less. When we do talk, he cuts our conversations short. I can't even tell you what goes through my mind, what I think it means that he's passing up opportunites to spend time with me. I don't like feeling insecure. I won't. I'm going to have to lay it on the table and hope his reactions are honest.
You know, its not just with me that he's different. His whole life seems different. He used to be all about healthy eating and ate a certain way and would always tell me about the foods he was making. He would get excited when he found something new and nutritious to add to his menu. Enthusiasm is all gone from even that. I miss his random bursts of energy. It used to put a smile on my face when he would talk about his new discoveries.
I don't know. I wish I knew what was going on with him. With us.
I've spent time focusing on myself. I've done lots of things for me, things that always make me happy, but at the end of the day, he's still there, dangling by a thread in front of me and I come back to square one. I honestly don't know which should win out "fight or flight".
Its been awhile.
Things had been going ok, but I don't know. I'm having that feeling again that Sweetness might leave me. I had been so very happy with each day spent with him. And the same for him. One night, he even told me he wants to marry me.
But, then he said something last night, during a moment that should've been sweet and happy, and that has made me feel insecure. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by what he said. At the time I brushed it off and continued on, but thinking back upon it now, I feel a tightening in my chest. I actually want to cry thinking about it. And maybe I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is. Who knows. Last night, he also asked me if I was happy (despite all the other personal stuff happening). I told him I was and asked why he asked that. He said that he's scared that he doesn't make me happy. He doesn't know how much he does make me happy.
Ugh. I don't know.
I'm taking it as a bad sign that when I brought up that I'm having some issues, he said we'd talk and I've yet to hear from him. Last time I felt this way, things almost did end.
Maybe I'm just tired.
Tonight is another beautiful night that began with a cool breeze and a lightning storm in the nighttime sky. It has now grown into a full downpour. I love it. I had just decided to relax with a glass of wine and my Classical music mix- starting with my favorite Chopin piece.
Today was a great day. I spent most of it talking to Sweetness. He was laid up in bed on his day off from work. He played basketball with a friend yesterday and overworked his legs. He said he wound up getting a pretty bad charlie horse and woke up rather sore. He said he was so happy to be laying there talking to me, wishing I was next to him. He apologized again for everything that happened. This morning I actually woke up to find an email from him, apparently sent after the consumption of almost a whole bottle of wine with his dinner. In it he said that he needed to tell me just how in love with me he is and that he realizes now that he needs me. He can't live without me now, even if he wanted to. It was incredibly endearing and I really could tell he was a little drunk. Even inebriated, at least he was considerate enough to email me instead of sending a text. My full-night's sleep thanks him.
Then we got on the topic of moving in together. We're still making plans for it- we need to both be financially ready, not just emotionally/mentally. Especially since apparently he plans on being with me for a "looooooong time" (his words). He laughed at the fact that I am the only woman he's ever wanted to live with . He lived with one of his exes before (they were together for 7 years), but they were somewhat forced into it. And with his last girlfriend, he turned down the offer of them living together. For a while now, he's been wanting to live with me. To him, it just felt/feels right to have me close. I like that.
Now, I'm just trying to get everything else in my life straightened out so that he and I can start a life together to see where it goes.
The kid is serious about me, but he still has issues.
So, all day and last night I was agonizing over not talking to him. I thought if I could just make it through to tonight, I'll call/text him then to see if he wants to finally talk. I figured if he hadn't broken down yet and text/called me, then he's not having as hard of a time as I am and maybe this space is good for him.
Yeah, turns out not so much.
Sweetness sent me a text letting it allllll out. And it wasn't pretty...He couldn't even call me because he was too "emotional". At first, I honestly thought that was an excuse. Admittedly, I went back to Mr. X and how he just rejected my call and sent me to voicemail where didn't have to deal with me. But when I finally got him to call me, I could tell he was emotional. So, he was upset about my reaction the other day. And he thought that I was doing to him what every other woman has - left him. He thought that's what I was doing by giving him space. I explained my side, how I saw things and he explained his. I think we both cried (nobody knows who he is so I don't think its emasculating to mention that...). We went through just about every emotion. Yeah, over what seemed like such a small incident. I had to remind him that I'm NOT his ex-girlfriend so he shouldn't assume that I'm going to be like her. That clicked with him and he apologized for it and for everything. He said he knows I'm not. I'm so much better than that. Our love is nothing like what they had. I think he said something to the effect that with her all he did was give, give, give. And our relationship isn't like that at all. He may have cried a little more...
And I realized that I'm still having trouble letting him be there for me. I mean thats why I got irritated at his joke to begin with. It was at a time when I was dealing with what I have going on and I knew he didn't know that but I felt like I couldn't turn to him because he was at work. He realized that too. And by the time I was ready to talk to him, after all the days events happened and I thought about it and processed it he was already so upset and closed off, I just couldn't talk to him then.
We both just have to be more patient with the other and if we want this relationship to work out, we have to help eachother work through our issues.
He made a statement about how up until this point everything was so easy and it shouldn't be hard. And I told him that of course there are going to be good days and bad days. We are going to have hiccups. Especially in the beginning, especially after all he had been through. It would just be silly to think everything about us would be easy. He felt stupid for even thinking walking away, leaving me, was an option.
We talked for about 3 hours. The conversation just got increasingly better and better. And even though he said he loved me several times during our conversation, he finally said it the way that I love, that makes me melt. So softly and sweetly like it was his first time saying it. AND he used a word he normally doesn't. Never. He said: "I will never get sick of anything about you".
We'll see.
Until then we're still learning about each other in the context of a relationship. We need to know boundaries, issues, hang-ups, and hurdles that need to be dealt with and deal with them like rational adults. Or at least try to.
Well, I don't have anyone to talk to about it, so here I am.
Yesterday, Sweetness made a joke that I thought was in bad taste. Normally I don't care, I'll blow it off and laugh about it anyway. But it happened at an inopportune time. I don't know if I blew things out of porportion or if my reaction was wrong. I basically let him know I didn't like what he did and then just told him to have a nice day. So that evening he asked if I was OK and if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I said there wasn't and he said ok. I thought that was that. He kept giving me one word answers so I told him if HE needed to talk I was there. He said he didn't want to. This morning was the same thing. He was being so short with me. Finally I told him to be out with it. He said it was him and that I shouldn't worry about it. I said I wouldn't push him to tell me, but I am here if he changes his mind. He said: "I already decided I wasn't going to talk to you about it. I'm going to have an amazing day. I suggest you do the same."
That hurt me alot. So I told him I'm going to leave him alone for a few days and if he needs me, he knows where to find me. I have a feeling he's going to break up with me. I don't know why. I just feel it.
I swear not even two minutes after publishing my post last night, Sweetness text me. Either he really sensed I needed him or he is (still) reading my blog and just not telling me. Ass.
He asked if I was still awake and then asked if I wanted to talk on the phone for a bit since he had time before dinner with his family. He spent his days off from work this week with them.
I told him that I didn't want to interrupt his time he should be spending with his family since he doesn't see them too often..especially his father. All he responded was, "OK. I love you."
Reading "I love you." made me wanna hear his voice so bad. I missed him terribly. So I told him I changed my mind about talking. A few minutes passed and...Nada. I figured he was upset so I dozed off. Apparently he just left his phone charging in one room whilst hanging out in another. When he finally read my texts, the last of which said, "OK. Well, I love you too. Enjoy your dinner" He thought something bad had happened. I don't know if it was because of me or not, but he wound up staying awake all night. I, myself, had slept for a bit then did laundry in the middle of the night. THAT stressed.
So mid-morning he text me to ask if everything was OK and to apologize for leaving me hanging basically. I assured him things were OK. He said that he figured that I just didn't want to talk. I had to correct. I told him that it wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him, it was that I didn't want to interrupt time he should spend with his family. I may not be big on my family but I'm never one to get in the way of other's. He responded:
"Aww babe! Why? I know you're considerate...but, ugh =( I wouldn't have asked..."
He had asked before that if he could call but I didn't see it and thus didn't respond to it so then he took that to mean I just didn't want to talk...again.
"We'll just talk later I guess"
"K. Enjoy your day" (Not really understanding what he meant at first)
"I hope you're OK. Sure. You too."
"If you want to talk I'm available whenever you are." (after realizing...)
I barely hit send and his call came in. I answered and he sounded tired. I felt bad. Until I heard him softly and sweetly say, "Baby, I love you sooooooo much". We talked for a bit and he made me laugh, feel safe and warm and was everything I needed last night.
And then it hit me and I told him. Its not that he's not there for me, or even that I'm not aware he is, its just that I'm not used to having that. I need to learn to let him be there. I'm used to wanting the other person to be there while just being independent and dealing on my own.
This relationship is so very different, not just for him. Me too. Me too.
So my day started out good. The not-so-good I'm choosing to leave out. I'd like to focus on what made me feel great and is getting me through this time.
I love when I get texts from Sweetness. There were a couple of concerns that needed ironing out and we accomplished this. Then, in true Sweetness fashion...
Sweetness: Thank you for putting me at ease
Me: Always. Come to me when you need to, NO hesitations
Sweetness: There's one tiny little thing
Me: Ok.
Sweetness: Promise you won't get mad?
Me: I'll try not to. I hate making promises like that.
Sweetness: Baby. Please. Promise??
Me: Grr...fine.
Sweetness: Be my girl...officially? :)
Me (pissed, but surprised and happy): Of course!! Jerk.
And then the rest of the convo was just being happy that I am his girlfriend and he is my boyfriend. Hmm...typing that out for the first time is...I don't have words for it. Exciting. Happy. Strange.
I mean, that last word...I never expected us to get to this point and it seems like such a major step for us. He said that he felt great about us, but was also scared. I said that I think that was just a part of beginning any relationship and he said that he has never been scared before. I don't know what to think of that. But then he went on to say that he was happy to have the best relationship of his life and...
Sweetness: For the first time I'm in love with someone who's good for me.
That really just made my day. For me, I just feel that for the first time, I'm in love with someone who is in love with me back. I honestly feel that he truly is in love with me. He's done nothing but prove it to me over and over again.
I'm amused at how we've gone about being in a relationship all "wrong"... first we decide we should live together, then we realize we're in love and NOW we're boyfriend/girlfriend?? I guess whatever works!!
Now, if everything else goes well, I'll be a completely happy crazy girl.
Its been one hell of a week. I did take some time away to rest and do other things that have been so badly neglected (i.e. Sleep, Live, paint my toes a pretty and summery color). And I caught up on all the news of the many, many, many wildfires that have all but taken over Texas. Um, when the hell is the rain going to get here already?? Thoughts and prayers go out to all that have been affected by this and the other weather-related tragedies around the country.
I thought maybe I'd do something awesome for my 100th blog post, but alas, was unable to figure something out. It'll be just like any other post...full of the craziness that is me.
So things are still really great with Sweetness. He made my Labor Day...alot less laborious. I spent the day with family doing family things. We spent most of the time texting back and forth. I don't exactly recall what lead to it but part of our exchange went a little something like this:
Sweetness: Baby! We're in love! :)
Me: (thinking he was joking) Haha Nahhh!!!
Sweetness: I'm in love with you.
I forget my response, but he then asked if he could interrupt for a bit so we could talk on the phone. So he called me (family be dammed) and...
Sweetness: I'm in love with you (in his incredibly sexy voice). I wanted to say it and wanted you to hear it straight from my mouth.
Me: (through possibly the biggest grin I've ever been able to create) I'm in love with you too.
We chatted for a bit before I could no longer keep my family waiting. And since then things have been wonderful. We've been talking about living together. Not tomorrow or anything, but definitely in the near future. He wants to wake up with me next to him and I want to fall asleep in his arms. Guess it would work out then... Eh, we'll see. I've been trying to think of a good song to correlate with this post. There are sooo many choices but I might have to go with a song that I was reminded of when Sweetness said "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me." And Ray LaMontagne it is as he has a song is exactly that...
This version of the song makes me tingly all over. So amazing. So so so amazing.
This morning I awoke fully rested for the first time in almost a week. The last few days with Sweetness was pretty intense as were our conversations. We'd start the evening with talks about us, but next thing we knew, we were laughing and making jokes and just having the greatest time ever. Although there's still a great amount of uncertainty, its still feels a great weight has been lifted.
Hell, I myself am still just a little all over the place. But the one thing that keeps popping into my head was something so incredibly simple that he said.
"I just want you"
It pretty much came from nowhere. I've always thought that I wanted someone to need me, but since he said that, I don't know, I've been thinking about it. Its kind of like out of all the options that are in front of him, the one he keeps coming back to is...me. And looking back, his struggles have been about just that. He said he wanted to "keep his options open" by dating other people and staying out of relationships. But he kept wondering how and trying to find ways to keep me in his life. He never wanted me to leave, go away, or be taken away. He later said something to the effect of that he wonders now if he wasn't just wanting to keep the option of dating out of stubborn-ness. Who knows. Nothing's really been decided yet. Although I like that he's making future plans with me again.
And I can't get over the way he says "I love you".
I'm used to us saying it between us as we've been friends for awhile (You know, one of those quick "love ya" types). The other night he kept softly repeating it... "I love you. I love you. God, I love you. So much, I love you."
He kept on for a bit, each time putting more and more emphasis on "love" and then on "you". Then "I reallylove you". It was insane. I've never heard him speak so soft and sweet and sincere before.
Just gotta keep my head on straight for now, though.
*sigh*
I love him too...
