...with music.
Gotta love my entry title... it was only a matter of time before I made a Cure reference...
Sooo to wrap up a most perfect day (although totally hellish heat ridden) I like to wind down with a little known musician named Matt Duke. I love his voice, his writing style and his adorable face. He's got that cute baby face type thing going on and oh how it works for me. Alot.
The first song is called "Kingdom Underground". I think he said that song was inspired by the book "Paradise Lost". For me, its an infectious kind of song. The second is called "Sex and Reruns". Its got a pretty good beat and well, with a title like that...sounds like a Saturday night...or not. That song is part of my workout mix.
Ugh, its been a long day. I'm kinda drained. I had planned out what I would blog about tonight, but alas, it has escaped my mind. I completely forgot. So I'll post my favorite songs by Elton John. I think I read once that he doesn't like to spend more than a few minutes writing any song. If that's true, he's beyond amazing. I mean he doesn't really have any bad songs. I love him. I regret missing his show in Vegas. I really love the first video. I think this was at the beginning Robert Downey Jr.'s "comeback". He did an amazing job with this video. He seemed so incredibly vulnerable and open. I love it.
So today has been kinda...eh. I woke up this morning with a reminder alert on my phone that today is Mr. X's birthday. I guess that's the only thing of him I forgot to erase. Then I just started feeling kinda down. Its definitely not because I miss him or anything. Because, really, I DO NOT! I guess I just don't want to be used again like that. I say 'used' because basically that's what he did. I was some sort of "filler" between his relationships. When we met he was just getting out of a bad one. We clicked, became instant friends and we were talking alllllll the time. You know, the preliminary getting to know someone, the "Oh you are sooo new and interesting" phase. Then he seemingly changed over night. Thinking back on it, there was never a gradual change like their usually is when you settle into a friendship/relationship.So I'm thinking it was about that time that he probably met her. And THEN we had this nice vacation together...well nice except for the fact that he kept throwing around phrases like "I'm SO glad I'm single" and "I'm happy not to be in a relationship" and "I'm not looking to be with anybody". Yeah, that crap. All this said after flirting with and hitting on me. Really. Well, during our entire friendship he flirted with and hit on me (He even brought it up once). Just during the trip we took, it seemed like he really put it on max. That did send up some red flags. Finally there was a couple of odd and uncomfortable weeks where occassionally we would chat. He even text me randomly once just because he'd been "thinking about me alot". And then finally he gave me the goodbye speech. In text, no less. I called him and he rejected my call only to text me a bit later saying he needed time to be alone because he'd been going through alot. *rolls eyes* Is that really how you treat someone whom you supposedly considered to be an important part of your life??
And I grieved over the loss of my "best friend". I hurt. I cried. I ached.
Come to find out a couple months later that he had been dating someone. He said he and I had feelings for eachother but he didn't want to take it any further with me since he wasn't ready, but secretly (to me anyway) he was dating somebody. And that's when it hit me. He used me.
I was just so infuriated. I cried these incredibly hot tears that felt like they alone could melt the sun. I'll never know why he didn't want to just tell me. I knew that what he was trying to tell me on our vacation was that he just didn't want to be with ME. He was just too much of an immature coward to come out and say it.
I don't want to be used again. I don't want to be a "filler". I don't want to be a "rebound".
Since we both like the same band, this is my birthday gift to Mr. X. Happy Birthday, Douchebag.
So, after a small break, I am returned to bring more music to my blog. Tonight, Maroon 5. I looooves them. Adam Levine has quite an amazing and unique voice. Not bad for "mainstream". I couldn't really narrow it down to my usual two videos... Enjoy
This is something I've been working on for a while. Its sat in my "Drafts" folder while I kept adding and taking away from it. Something tells me its the right time to post this. I'm almost pretty sure My Sweetness doesn't read my blog anymore. If he does, I sure hope he'll tell me. None of this is new to him so...
Dear "Fry", I love you. You say that you love me. We each want what's best for the other. We've started something. We've ended it. We've decided to let things be. We've been back and forth on what we are and what could be. You say you are too damaged for a "relationship". You could never put trust in another person like you did with her because you don't want anybody (even me) to hurt you the way she has. You say that you aren't as strong as I am. I don't think that I'm strong. I come with baggage too. But I don't compare you to anybody. I don't assume you'll be like Mr. X. When you say "I love you", I believe it. I trust it. I know it. I do it because I don't want to be the only person I trust. I do it because you've seen me at my worst, and I, you. We've pulled eachother out of the depths of hell. Yes, there is alotofhurt and pain out there. But there is also love and warmth and happiness. In order to truly find it, you have to let go and open yourself to the possibility. ALL of the possibilities. I believe that to really loveyou must be willing to hurt. And that's just who I am. I don't expect you to change. Its ok if you don't. I know that you will never wake up one morning and confirm your thought that I could be "the one". I never expect you to say again that I'm someone you could see yourself marrying. Its not gonna happen. But am I unhappy? No. Do I still want to be here? Yes. I've been close to leaving before. I just wanted to turn and walk away from you. From everything. All I was looking at was the bad. I felt like you didn't need me. I felt that maybe I was expecting those things from you. Maybe I was expecting you to want to be with me. I felt that I was holding you back and you didn't want that for us. You shouldn't limit yourself. You should "explore your options". I felt like leaving because when you said you don't think you could ever be in a relationship again, that you were just saying you just didn't want a relationship with me. I was allowing my past to interfere with my future. Especially since this happened after you thought we should try to have a relationship. But when I thought about not having you in my life, that idea hurt more than anything you could do/say. How is that? Well, if I walked away, I would never know what might've happened. I would rather throw caution to the wind and maybe we could have the greatest life together or maybe you hurt me. Maybe I hurt you (although I never want to). The truth is we just don't know. And I want to find out. We also promised to ALWAYS be a part of eachother's lives. I don't want to hurt you like that, by breaking a promise. Maybe you will heal from your heartache. Maybe you freaked out about us that one night because maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe you'll meet someone who will make you want to love with wreckless abandon. Someone who will make you either forget or just not care about what happened in the past. As much as I wish I could be that person for you, maybe I'm not. I don't know. Sometimes I think that when someone is the absolute most perfect person for you, you know. Just know. No matter where you are, what's happened to you. You know. I could be wrong. It could be different for everybody. But its not going to stop me from loving you the way that I do, as much as I do. You will always have my support 100%. You will always, at least, be my (best) friend, even if I can never be your love.
Speaking in terms of musical presentation in my blog, of course...
I want to continue to share more of what I'm listening to, who moves/inspires me musically.
I've been listening to Matt Nathanson for a few years now. I really love his lyrics, especially when writing about love/longing/desire. I can't quite put my finger on what exactly it is....
Ahh so for me, these last couple of days has been...wonderful. Things are calm and I've been happy. I'm not stressing about anything. Last night was amazing. Went out to hang with some friends and it was beyond the greatest time ever. Lots of laughs, lots of love, lots of vodka. What more could a girl ask for?? Oh! Lots of food afterwards at our fave 24 hour diner. LOVED IT!!!
Tonight makes for round #2. I'm blogging as I'm waiting for my buddy to pick me up. That's right folks, I DO NOT drink and drive. Period. Please, a round of applause for designated drivers! Not that I'm going to get fall-on-my-ass drunk or anything, just like to be safe. In the words of Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman: "I'm a safety girl".
Here is one of my favorite "Girls Night Out" songs. Although, technically I'm not in a relationship, it still works :)
