I smiled today.
It was nice.
Why did I smile?
Something inside me just sort of "clicked". I think that once and for all I can put Mr. X behind me. Which is amazing to feel free and healed.
I think this mostly came about because I was helping a friend through some drama with a guy. And she called me "Wise" with the advice I was giving her. She commented at how clearly I always see things and am able to diagnose and provide accurate advice to help her issues. So I really looked at her situation and the advice I gave and thought about how, in some aspects my words would apply to the situation with Mr.X (even though I am completely cut off from him communication-wise). So for once, I took my own advice. And it worked. So...If I could talk to him, I think this is pretty much what I would say:
Goodbye Mr. X. I loved you and cared for you more than you will ever know or care. Your friendship, at one time, meant so much to me and I loved all the great times we had. You provided a valuable and unforgettable experience in my life for which I have learned a great deal. I hoped that things would have ended in a more positive manner, however, I wish you luck and happiness with all that you do.
Always,
Forever Moved On
Eh, short but I guess that gets the point across. I just know that now I will never hurt again because of him. I entered into that relationship with him and, to be honest, thought it would be a strong, life-long companionship. Life has proved otherwise. And I know that the friends I do have in my life already are amazing and supportive and loving.
While I'm speaking on the subject of friends, I would like to thank my favorite blog stalker (and I think my only reader at this point) for all his support. I love you, buddy. Seriously though, dork, you need to tell me whether or not you wish to be anon. If so, I need a good nick name for you.
Otherwise, life is back on track and I am happy. I'm writing my short stories like freakin' crazy and its going so surprisingly well. One friend of mine thinks that once I finish, I should try and get them published. I laughed and said "Nobody likes short stories anymore". I think that mostly these are just for me. Like a well-written account of my dreams. Although, if I could make a decent living off being a published writer...I'd be happy...but nah..
Its just a great way to end August. If only it wasn't so damn hot. Then I'd be truly and completely happy. And then I could take over the world!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
"Your Own Icicle Island"
The title for this post will make sense in a bit.
I really hate being dragged into someone else's drama.
I mean seriously, a person I haven't seen for over 10 years is using the fact that we are "friends" to start drama between two of my other friends. Nice one.
So, all that is just bringing me down lately. Its horrible for this person to tell a lie about me in order to push these two people apart from eachother out of jealousy and bitterness. It just seems so childish. And it is. I just can't fathom someone doing something like that at this stage of life. Or, well, ever.
I just have to roll my eyes and remind my friends that if they automatically believe what they are being told instead of talking to the other person in question then its just not worth it to me to fight for the friendship. Is that harsh?
Eh, well its just all so confusing lately. I don't necessarily hold grudges, I'll let things go, but I won't forgive and I cut the person out of my life. And it sucks to have to be doing that now. I love my friends all so deeply, especially since I've had most of my friends now for years and years. But to be put into situations like the current one I'm in, it makes it hard to feel like any of it is worth it.
And then that just makes me feel like a hipocrite. Why? Because I've been missing and thinking about Mr. X (formerly Douchey) and it's weird. I felt like I had let go, finally, and was moving on, finally. And then it seems like *poof* there he is again in my head and my dreams. *sigh* I don't know. Maybe it'll help to just remember that he moved on. He's gone from my life for a reason, right? Gotta be strong.
Oh but speaking of dreams, I had some weird dreams last night. But I bought a journal to keep track of my dreams. I'm making short stories out of them. So far, I have three! Its absolutely awesome to be writing in that sense again. I can't believe how much I've missed it so. Hopefully it turns out well. So far my stories are liked. That's a big plus.
And I guess speaking of Mr. X, and reading a reader's blog, and thinking of my current situation with some friends, I've been listening to this song alot. Enjoy.
I really hate being dragged into someone else's drama.
I mean seriously, a person I haven't seen for over 10 years is using the fact that we are "friends" to start drama between two of my other friends. Nice one.
So, all that is just bringing me down lately. Its horrible for this person to tell a lie about me in order to push these two people apart from eachother out of jealousy and bitterness. It just seems so childish. And it is. I just can't fathom someone doing something like that at this stage of life. Or, well, ever.
I just have to roll my eyes and remind my friends that if they automatically believe what they are being told instead of talking to the other person in question then its just not worth it to me to fight for the friendship. Is that harsh?
Eh, well its just all so confusing lately. I don't necessarily hold grudges, I'll let things go, but I won't forgive and I cut the person out of my life. And it sucks to have to be doing that now. I love my friends all so deeply, especially since I've had most of my friends now for years and years. But to be put into situations like the current one I'm in, it makes it hard to feel like any of it is worth it.
And then that just makes me feel like a hipocrite. Why? Because I've been missing and thinking about Mr. X (formerly Douchey) and it's weird. I felt like I had let go, finally, and was moving on, finally. And then it seems like *poof* there he is again in my head and my dreams. *sigh* I don't know. Maybe it'll help to just remember that he moved on. He's gone from my life for a reason, right? Gotta be strong.
Oh but speaking of dreams, I had some weird dreams last night. But I bought a journal to keep track of my dreams. I'm making short stories out of them. So far, I have three! Its absolutely awesome to be writing in that sense again. I can't believe how much I've missed it so. Hopefully it turns out well. So far my stories are liked. That's a big plus.
And I guess speaking of Mr. X, and reading a reader's blog, and thinking of my current situation with some friends, I've been listening to this song alot. Enjoy.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Just Another Saturday....In Hell
I'm a whiney bitch. I know. But its really hot. Really.
I still have that stupid headache.
Should I be concerned?
I still have that stupid headache.
Should I be concerned?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Friday Night Fights
*sigh* Ok. Still sick. And to add to that enjoyment, I've just found out I'm being dragged into severe drama by a person I haven't seen in over 10 years but kept in touch with. A person with whom I've always been kind and caring towards. Shown concern for. Just to find out she's being two-faced for some ridiculous reason.
I've gone back in time folks!
This is middle school allll over again.
Seriously?!
I'm nearing 30 years old. I've been too old for things like this for YEARS now. I've evolved from having to resort to "he said/she said" bullshit. I mean, if I EVER have trouble with someone I A) Vent here and B) let that person know directly. I don't go behind backs and gossip like a little girl.
Just venting. Obviously.
I've gone back in time folks!
This is middle school allll over again.
Seriously?!
I'm nearing 30 years old. I've been too old for things like this for YEARS now. I've evolved from having to resort to "he said/she said" bullshit. I mean, if I EVER have trouble with someone I A) Vent here and B) let that person know directly. I don't go behind backs and gossip like a little girl.
Just venting. Obviously.
Friday in Hell
Its hot. Still.
I actually got sick from the heat. I'm so damn stubborn. I feel like dying.
Well, I had a dream about Douchey. Ya know, I need to think of a new nickname for him. I kinda hate using "Douchey". That more accurately explains his last actions with me not him overall...Eh. I don't know.
Anyway, so the dream.
I had dreamt that he had contacted me again and we had been trying to mend our friendship. It seemed like all was as it should be. It seemed like there was never a break in the friendship. I was a little indifferent to it though. He wanted to take a trip to spend time to really reconnect. For some reason we decided on Reno, NV. I don't know where that came from. No offense to Reno, but I think there were numerous other destinations that would've been better. Its a place I've never plan to visit. Hmm, maybe that's why it happened that way in the dream because in reality this will NEVER happen. *sigh*
So I meet him at the hotel. I checked in first and was in my room getting things in order. I remember the room was done in this sort of shimmery yellow and white wallpaper. There was plenty of sunlight from two windows adjacent to eachother and the bed was a king with a plush gold comforter and matching pillows and numerous accent pillows. The carpet was standard for hotel rooms; it was some sort of garrish maroon color with gold swirls. As I was plugging in my cell to charge, I heard a knock on the door. I open the door to see Douchey standing there. He smiled his little smirk and hugged me. At this point, for some reason, Seasame Street was on my mind. I think I was wearing a shirt with all the characters of Seasame Street on it...anyway...so we're talking and planning out what we should do. Trying to figure out if we were both hungry or if getting something to eat would be a start or just getting out in Reno and exploring. I think we decided we would venture out to see what the city had to offer. He said he forgot something in his room and that he would be right back because his room was next to mine. I thought that was odd. So, I waited. I stared at the view from my windows. It was surpringly quite nice! I definitely started warming up to the idea of reconnecting. I don't normally give people second chances. And as much as I hurt I don't think that if he came back I would welcome him. So this dream and the idea of that is odd. But in the dream I was content to try this again. And I waited. Waited. Waited. Finally there was a knock at my door. I got up, slightly annoyed, to answer. Instead of seeing Douchey, I saw a police officer and the hotel manager. They asked if they could come in. With nothing to hide, I let them in and asked if there was something wrong. They informed me that Douchey had disappeared. I asked what they meant and they said they were doing a random sweep of the entire hotel and every guest and employee was accounted for except him. They said they have him on security cameras coming out of my room and that was it. He vanished. I said that maybe all they had to do was check his hotel room. They said they've knocked repeatedly with no answer from him. I laughed at this and said they surely can enter his room with a master key card. As I said this I remember looking for my key card and discovered that I had three instead of the two they normally give. I began to suspect that he gave me one for some reason. I bring this up to them and they kinda ignore it.
The officer then brings up the idea that Douchey's identity maybe a false one. I laugh again and ask if that is really plausible. I shake my head and say "He may be ALOT of things, but fraudulent isn't one of them".
At that point, I kinda tune them out and just start thinking of everything. I decide that if they aren't going to listen to me about the key cards I would try it out myself to see if I can enter his room. But they won't let me leave the room just yet. They ask me if he and I are in on something together. I tell them that if I was plotting something with him I probably would have vanished as well instead of being left here alone and devastated. Then the hotel manager brings out a laptop, pulls up a U.S. map and starts speculating as to where Douchey could be. She mostly focuses on the southern states and even Mexico. The cop brings up something about North Carolina. And I feel so lost because, well, these are all so far-fetched and unrealistic. So, once again, I tune them out. I start going through my luggage and start picking out what I'm gonna wear for the next few days. I figure I won't let this drama ruin my vacation. If Douchey did disappear, I'll be damned if I'm wasting a perfectly good trip. I have a hotel room and money. I'm playing tourist.
That's pretty much all there is to the dream.
The alarm went off and I woke up, head still pounding.
I have no idea what it all means...
Oh well.
And to all my readers: Have a good weekend!!! :)
I actually got sick from the heat. I'm so damn stubborn. I feel like dying.
Well, I had a dream about Douchey. Ya know, I need to think of a new nickname for him. I kinda hate using "Douchey". That more accurately explains his last actions with me not him overall...Eh. I don't know.
Anyway, so the dream.
I had dreamt that he had contacted me again and we had been trying to mend our friendship. It seemed like all was as it should be. It seemed like there was never a break in the friendship. I was a little indifferent to it though. He wanted to take a trip to spend time to really reconnect. For some reason we decided on Reno, NV. I don't know where that came from. No offense to Reno, but I think there were numerous other destinations that would've been better. Its a place I've never plan to visit. Hmm, maybe that's why it happened that way in the dream because in reality this will NEVER happen. *sigh*
So I meet him at the hotel. I checked in first and was in my room getting things in order. I remember the room was done in this sort of shimmery yellow and white wallpaper. There was plenty of sunlight from two windows adjacent to eachother and the bed was a king with a plush gold comforter and matching pillows and numerous accent pillows. The carpet was standard for hotel rooms; it was some sort of garrish maroon color with gold swirls. As I was plugging in my cell to charge, I heard a knock on the door. I open the door to see Douchey standing there. He smiled his little smirk and hugged me. At this point, for some reason, Seasame Street was on my mind. I think I was wearing a shirt with all the characters of Seasame Street on it...anyway...so we're talking and planning out what we should do. Trying to figure out if we were both hungry or if getting something to eat would be a start or just getting out in Reno and exploring. I think we decided we would venture out to see what the city had to offer. He said he forgot something in his room and that he would be right back because his room was next to mine. I thought that was odd. So, I waited. I stared at the view from my windows. It was surpringly quite nice! I definitely started warming up to the idea of reconnecting. I don't normally give people second chances. And as much as I hurt I don't think that if he came back I would welcome him. So this dream and the idea of that is odd. But in the dream I was content to try this again. And I waited. Waited. Waited. Finally there was a knock at my door. I got up, slightly annoyed, to answer. Instead of seeing Douchey, I saw a police officer and the hotel manager. They asked if they could come in. With nothing to hide, I let them in and asked if there was something wrong. They informed me that Douchey had disappeared. I asked what they meant and they said they were doing a random sweep of the entire hotel and every guest and employee was accounted for except him. They said they have him on security cameras coming out of my room and that was it. He vanished. I said that maybe all they had to do was check his hotel room. They said they've knocked repeatedly with no answer from him. I laughed at this and said they surely can enter his room with a master key card. As I said this I remember looking for my key card and discovered that I had three instead of the two they normally give. I began to suspect that he gave me one for some reason. I bring this up to them and they kinda ignore it.
The officer then brings up the idea that Douchey's identity maybe a false one. I laugh again and ask if that is really plausible. I shake my head and say "He may be ALOT of things, but fraudulent isn't one of them".
At that point, I kinda tune them out and just start thinking of everything. I decide that if they aren't going to listen to me about the key cards I would try it out myself to see if I can enter his room. But they won't let me leave the room just yet. They ask me if he and I are in on something together. I tell them that if I was plotting something with him I probably would have vanished as well instead of being left here alone and devastated. Then the hotel manager brings out a laptop, pulls up a U.S. map and starts speculating as to where Douchey could be. She mostly focuses on the southern states and even Mexico. The cop brings up something about North Carolina. And I feel so lost because, well, these are all so far-fetched and unrealistic. So, once again, I tune them out. I start going through my luggage and start picking out what I'm gonna wear for the next few days. I figure I won't let this drama ruin my vacation. If Douchey did disappear, I'll be damned if I'm wasting a perfectly good trip. I have a hotel room and money. I'm playing tourist.
That's pretty much all there is to the dream.
The alarm went off and I woke up, head still pounding.
I have no idea what it all means...
Oh well.
And to all my readers: Have a good weekend!!! :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Sweet Ray and Hellish Heat
Ah so my Ray LaMontagne song collection is updated and complete, once again. I officially have over 100 of his songs. No, I don't have a problem. I just really love Ray LaMontagne's music. This new album is absolutely amazing. It really sounds like he's going back to the way he made music when he first started out. I like that. Alot.
Now that I've said my part about Ray...
Its really hot outside. Still. I know, its summer in south Texas. Jogging has been absolute hell. I don't know if its the heat or the humidity but lately my legs have been sore afterwards. I've been stretching alot more and definitely gonna step up my yoga routine. Ahh things we do...
Otherwise, alls quiet. That makes me happy.
Oh. Happy birthday, Douchey.
Now that I've said my part about Ray...
Its really hot outside. Still. I know, its summer in south Texas. Jogging has been absolute hell. I don't know if its the heat or the humidity but lately my legs have been sore afterwards. I've been stretching alot more and definitely gonna step up my yoga routine. Ahh things we do...
Otherwise, alls quiet. That makes me happy.
Oh. Happy birthday, Douchey.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Hello Strangers. Its been awhile
Its be awhile... *Slaps wrist* Bad blogger. Baaaaaaaad blogger! I guess I've just been trying to keep super busy so as to not fall too into the horrible monotony that can become my life.
Eh, so, ok, there isn't too much going on. At all.
I've actually been trying to convince a friend of mine to start a blog too. She's alot like me. But the reason I've been wanting her to start a blog is because of her recent experiences.
Her house is haunted. Seriously.
She called me a couple of weeks ago with her latest "scare". Sometimes it stresses her out. And one thing we've talked about is that we aren't sure if its actually the house itself or if its her. She's had so many experiences over the course of her life so far. She's seen and heard things since she was a kid. Who knows. But I thought for her it would be a great thing to blog about just to get it off her chest. *shudders*
Bleh
Well, as far as my other friends go, things are busy for them. One of my good friends has been wanting me to go hang out at her bar. I've been sick lately and trying to just do the right thing by resting and eating right and trying to exercise (despite this wretched heat). Besides for the kind of sick I've been getting, its not exactly a good idea to throw alcohol into the mix. Not. Good. At. All.
Side note: Mmm, chocolate milk.
I really like chocolate milk. Alot.
OOOOOHHHH!
I'm very excited and almost forgot...Ray LaMontagne has a new album coming out in a couple of weeks *checks calendar* Ok, more like in 6 days. And I was even more excited that NPR.org has been streaming the new cd. I listened to it over and over yesterday and pretty much know all the lyrics to the new songs. Eeek!! Wow, I'm such a geek. I love me some Ray LaMontagne though. More than chocolate milk. Alot.
Bleh. But speaking of August 17....
That would be the same day as the birthday of Douchey (Ex-bff as previously mentioned). I hadn't thought about him at all in the last few (give or take) months. But as soon as I realized it was August the first thing that popped into my head was "Oh, shit, his birthday is coming up". And in me arose mixed feelings. Part of me hopes he is doing well and is planning something nice for his birthday and he other part of me, well, aches. I need more chocolate milk, I think.
But really, I think I've made good progress in moving on and getting passed all this crap.
SUBJECT CHANGE
Like that? Eh, Smoooooth transition. Just go with it.
And then I realized "Oh shit, its AUGUST!! Where the fuck has the year gone!?!" This has been, by far, a short year. Either way, I hope this summer passes quickly too. Its really hot.
Lately its been in the high 90s with heat indexes in the low to mid 100s. Gotta love summers in South Texas.
Ooooh and while I'm thinking of Ray LaMontagne. I came across a song he did with Rachael Yamagata called "Duet". Its just amazing. Absolutely haunting. I. Love. It. Alot.
Eh, so, ok, there isn't too much going on. At all.
I've actually been trying to convince a friend of mine to start a blog too. She's alot like me. But the reason I've been wanting her to start a blog is because of her recent experiences.
Her house is haunted. Seriously.
She called me a couple of weeks ago with her latest "scare". Sometimes it stresses her out. And one thing we've talked about is that we aren't sure if its actually the house itself or if its her. She's had so many experiences over the course of her life so far. She's seen and heard things since she was a kid. Who knows. But I thought for her it would be a great thing to blog about just to get it off her chest. *shudders*
Bleh
Well, as far as my other friends go, things are busy for them. One of my good friends has been wanting me to go hang out at her bar. I've been sick lately and trying to just do the right thing by resting and eating right and trying to exercise (despite this wretched heat). Besides for the kind of sick I've been getting, its not exactly a good idea to throw alcohol into the mix. Not. Good. At. All.
Side note: Mmm, chocolate milk.
I really like chocolate milk. Alot.
OOOOOHHHH!
I'm very excited and almost forgot...Ray LaMontagne has a new album coming out in a couple of weeks *checks calendar* Ok, more like in 6 days. And I was even more excited that NPR.org has been streaming the new cd. I listened to it over and over yesterday and pretty much know all the lyrics to the new songs. Eeek!! Wow, I'm such a geek. I love me some Ray LaMontagne though. More than chocolate milk. Alot.
Bleh. But speaking of August 17....
That would be the same day as the birthday of Douchey (Ex-bff as previously mentioned). I hadn't thought about him at all in the last few (give or take) months. But as soon as I realized it was August the first thing that popped into my head was "Oh, shit, his birthday is coming up". And in me arose mixed feelings. Part of me hopes he is doing well and is planning something nice for his birthday and he other part of me, well, aches. I need more chocolate milk, I think.
But really, I think I've made good progress in moving on and getting passed all this crap.
SUBJECT CHANGE
Like that? Eh, Smoooooth transition. Just go with it.
And then I realized "Oh shit, its AUGUST!! Where the fuck has the year gone!?!" This has been, by far, a short year. Either way, I hope this summer passes quickly too. Its really hot.
Lately its been in the high 90s with heat indexes in the low to mid 100s. Gotta love summers in South Texas.
Ooooh and while I'm thinking of Ray LaMontagne. I came across a song he did with Rachael Yamagata called "Duet". Its just amazing. Absolutely haunting. I. Love. It. Alot.
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