Tuesday, April 28, 2015

A long time coming

Well, I suppose it has been some time since I've last written something here. I appreciate the gentle reminders from a sweet lady *cough, Trixie Racer. cough*

As it has become so painfully obvious. "Sweetness" and I are no more. At first, it was "heart-breaking". The most devastating part was that 3 days later he was already with someone else. Of course that leads me to believe that he was already with her even before he broke it off with me. He denies it.

He would constantly complain about her to me. He even would say how much he regretted his decision to leave me *rolls eyes*. She apparently stole money from him as well as some of his belongings to sell. She drank herself into slumbers. Called him, crying hysterically, that she had been in a terrible argument with her family and for him to come get her. Upon arriving for her, she was acting like nothing had ever happened and was completely different than what she implied on the phone. He managed to break up with her, to which she seemed OK with it only for him to tell me later that she was threatening suicide or at least to hurt herself. Then she announced that she was moving in with him and just did it - whether or not he approved of it.

The biggest shock of all. She became pregnant. They've been together for over a year now and I think she's almost due if she hasn't already given birth. That's another thing he vehemently was against - having kids. So, I'm not sure if he really did want this or if she pressured him or went so far as to poke holes in condoms. He always said that she was crazy, I have no idea. Of course while I cannot make assumptions, I have a feeling that she was drinking heavily even after becoming pregnant. That is entirely concerning if this is true.

Also concerning is that when he told me he was going to be a father he followed this up by texting "With all that I've been through, I would not wish this on anyone. So, if you cursed me, know that it's working". Well, sir, if you find the idea of becoming a parent a result of being cursed, nobody has brought that on but yourself and your "love".

I have been SO relieved to be out of this relationship with him. I look back on it now and I can see how he "misses" me. I wasn't so pressuring. He could always go out with his friends, even at the expense of keeping his promises to me. Sure, have a drink with the guys...I've only been waiting up a couple of hours passed midnight because you said you would call me after your shift ended. I TOTALLY understand you putting me behind their needs and your wants. He walked all over me more than he probably walked over grass in the park on his way to the bars.

I realize everything now that was wrong, toxic and just horrible about our relationship. He got the sweet end of the muffin while I was stuck on the ground taking whatever crumbs he threw on the floor. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

I've had more than enough

Well, my whatever it was relationship ended. He was so cold and hurtful. So matter of fact about it all. I'm crying and upset, naturally. Time will heal. I'm positive. He can have his relationship with her that's even more unhealthy than he thought we were. At least I was supportive. I encouraged. I loved. I didn't steal his fucking rent money or his clothes or his sanity. But he stole my happiness and, well, my sanity. I've never felt more fucking crazy than I do now and when we were together.  Fucking never answering my texts or calls, leaving me hanging and worrying and feeling like I did something wrong. That bitterness in his voice right now killed what was left of my soul. You will miss me. You will regret that I'm gone.. You'll be stuck in a relationship with a woman you thought was better than me whom you quickly found out wasn't. She's comfortable to stay where she's not really wanted just because you'll go broke to give her what she demands because she has you cornered with fear. She has you wrapped around her finger even if you have a "I'm focusing on me" attitude because she doesn't care and neither do you. I know to you she's a warm body to sleep next to and fuck, but you don't care about her. That makes you a horrible person. .

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Welcome back?

I'm pissed and just tired of crying. I was fine until just recently. A friend suggested to me that I start writing again. I was actually planning out what to write about.  I wanted it to be funny. Sorry! I'm a deb. 

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I'm still alive... I think.

Life has still been up and down. And crazy busy. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Super Sunday

Its been awhile since I've updated.
Not much is going on.
Work is crazy, otherwise my life is boring :)
LOVED the Superbowl though! 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Because I Can't Get Enough of This Guy

I just have to post another video from Bob Schneider. I've been listening to him like crazy! He's delicious and all kinds of talented. Someday when I see him perform again...I WILL meet him...oh yes, I will meet him...

Sunday, January 15, 2012

My brain is full...

Well, I know I've been "silent" lately. I actually have a lot going on. Though there are plenty of nights where I feel like banging my head on the wall and I thank Lady Max for helping restore my sanity/common sense/calmness during this private-for-now matter. I think listening to the sweetness in her voice, alone, helps a great deal.

So, besides work and such, I've been reading again. I bought a few books MONTHS ago that have gone untouched 'til now. Unfortunately with one, I started reading it only to find it was not as interesting as I initially thought it would be.
I've tried writing again, but alas, remained blocked. Ideas easily come only to flit away just the same.
I have been watching movies that make me laugh. A lot. So far 1) Office Space 2) Swingers --of course 3) Going the Distance... OK so all of these movies have Ron Livingston in them, I just realized. He is gorgeous though...very. I still have a thing for Adrien Brody the most. I don't know what that is...the aqualine nose, the scrawny yet masculine frame, the soft voice, the goofy expressions that say 'Hey, I'm human'. I'm workin' on figuring that out.

And then I've been thinking about my relationship history. I just want to finally bring it all out and deal with it and move the f*ck on. If you can, bear with me as I start this journey of self-healing through re-discovery. As mentioned, I've always been quite appreciative of all the wonderful support and feedback from the readers that remain :)

Ex #1
I was 18. He was 19. I thought he was so incredibly wonderful and he thought I was adorable and funny. It was the first time I had felt like I "connected" with someone. We had so much in common and, well, when you're young, the first time you "love" someone, you think the world is just beginning. The first few months were amazing. We laughed, we talked, we saw movies together, walked through bookstores together, and watched The Simpsons together over the phone. When we met, he had just gotten over his ex whom he caught sleeping with his roommate. We went away for a weekend to celebrate Valentine's day late (he was working and I was in college). After we checked-in to our hotel and got settled in our room, he pulled out a heart-shaped Ring Pop, got down on one knee and proposed to me. After saying 'yes', he kissed me and told me that he would give me the real ring I deserved when he could afford to. I said I didn't care about that. We cuddled in bed and talked of our future. He asked if we could start a family right away. He was looking forward to having children with me. We both hoped they were fiery red-heads like him. That night he became the first person I gave myself to. It was a big deal for me.
About a month or so later, he stopped coming around and calling as much. When we talked, he seemed distant, tired, depressed and just like he was having a hard time. He started working two jobs and didn't have much time...apparently to the point where he just disappeared without warning. I called and called never to get a response and after about a week and a half, I realized there was no finding him again.
OK, not so dramatically, I did find him again a few years later while dating the guy I started dating after him, through the magic of Myspace. I sent him a message basically saying: "Hi, remember me?"
He responded with a longer message apologizing for what he did. Supposedly he fell on really hard times, the kind where even working two jobs still wasn't keeping him on his feet. I became friends with the girl he was dating then (later, she would become his wife). She didn't know he and I were exes, and one day she began opening up to me about problems they were having, she was worried because he extensively cheated on every girl he dated. When they started seeing each other, he apparently gave her a break-down of his past. She even described his and my relationship and the sordid details of his affairs...which he had slept with someone before AND after proposing to me. Yup, my first 'love' didn't really love me. Even though it hurt to find that out, I was happy I moved on.