Monday, December 6, 2010

I Look Outside and Its Hardly a Winter

So Thanksgiving came and went. It was good. Tiring, but good. I love turkey. Good thing, I was eating it for just about every meal for quite a few days afterward. *sigh* But now I miss it!
I skipped Black Friday this year.  I was simply too tired to get up early. And really, the deals out there this year were beyond shotty. Seriously. I'm gonna go wait in line for 15 hours to buy a TV that was marked down only $10? No, thank you.
Besides, I had to rest up to stuff myself over again with delicious moist Turkey.
But now that's all over and I'm gearing up for Christmas. I finally put up my small tree over the weekend. Some of my neighbors were out on Thanksgiving getting their houses all whored up for the holidays. Its obnoxious. Why? Because its done to try and out-do or show up the other neighbors, not because they enjoy the season. Lame. I went out and put up all that I was going to in my yard. Its what I love and what I wanted. I'm happy.
Its been cold off and on. I love it. I just want it to get cold and stay cold though, I'm tired of the cold turning into almost spring-like weather. Its annoying.
STILL not getting support from the one friend and its killing me. I'm trying so hard to just let it pass and not burn anymore bridges, but that's getting old. I'm getting too old for people (who are older than me, by the way) to be throwing little tantrums because they aren't getting THEIR way. Well, ya know what, buddy? All I've ever done was give you YOUR way. So, now...fuck you.
But I digress.
And then I was thinking about what was going on this time last year and where its gotten me this year and its a little bumming. Actually, its lead me to regret and hate certain events from this time last year. Alot. And they were memories I wanted to be fond of forever. Oh well. Can't please everyone and sometimes that includes yourself. But I suppose what happened last year would've happened regardless and had it not occurred when it did, I might not be where I am today which is something I'm happy for. I love being where I am now. Its all give and take. Its ok. So, in the end, I wouldn't change anything.
I have  a headache though, so if that last bit doesn't make sense...sorry.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

And So We Change With The Seasons

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I last posted. Wow, time flies when, well, you are living... Although I have no idea what it does when you are dead. Either way, I'm back. Just not back from the dead. Or am I? How trendy, a zombie reference.
So life has been going through some major changes which have me excited beyond belief. I have been in such a happy place these last few weeks, its like I can breathe fresh air again. As if the windows finally came unstuck and were opened to air out a stuffy room. I like it. And so do my lungs- they can appreciate a nice metaphor.
The only problem I'm having with my current situation is support. I have been gettin some amazing support from all of my friends except one. Sadly, its the one person that I hoped would be there for me. It just hurts that after all the countless times I've dropped everything to lend my support and care to this person, the one time I could use it in return...bam! gone. I kinda expected it though. So I guess I'm not surprised, just hurt. But what can I do? What I've done for this person will be missed when its gone. And its going fast. Its at the point where I have to look out for myself now. I can't babysit and hold someone's hand who obviously refuses to grow up and deal with life and its ups and downs realistically. And I know I'm saying that at the risk of sounding like a hypocrit. And maybe I am. The difference is I can deal with it.
Unfortunately that's not the only loop I've been thrown. I put Mr. X behind me a while ago. I haven't so much as thought of him in a long time and I was happier for it. I came to terms with everything but my subconscious won't let him go. Its getting ridiculous. I had a dream about him the other night that, in all honesty, left me to wake up rolling my eyes and sighing like I was being bothered.
In the dream I was sitting in a strange room checking my email on a computer. I noticed I had one from Mr. X. He was basically apologizing for the way things turned out and explaining everything he had gone through and blah blah blah. Next thing I know, he's there with me in my home for a visit. He kept hugging me and smiling and was happy. He did apologize again in person and said he was happy to rebuild what we had before. And it goes on but, eh, it was just a dream.
I just hope this is truly the end of it and I can carry on never having him enter my head. I wasn't kidding when I said I was over it already. I even debated bringing this up in blog. But its a part of my life and that's what I'm sharing, my life.
When's Thanksgiving already? I want some damn Turkey...
Hope everyone is well!

Monday, September 27, 2010

It Really Tied the Room Together

I'm currently watching The Big Lebowski. I Love it.
But really I wanted to write about some observations.
Sometimes, for me at least, I'll learn something that makes me feel so bad at first. Feel almost heartbroken, but the more I sit with it and think about it, it actually makes me feel ok. As if maybe the world isn't about to end after all, metaphorically of course.
This sort of thing just happened over the weekend. I found out something that made me feel crushed for a while. I felt like crying and curling up and staying in bed. But the more I thought about it, the more it set in to my brain, the better I began to feel. I was happy about life going on. Because it did. And it makes me feel that indeed even my life can go on. I've been smiling ever since.
Then again, maybe my little indulgence with a Scrumdiddlyumptious bar had a part in the smiling department.
Either way, I've been pretty happy these last few hours.
And I must confess my horrible obsession with Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. But that's a blog for another time! It might be rather lengthy.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Sanitizing my Sanity

Although the weather has some catching up to do, its apparent that Autumn is in full swing here in South Texas.
The leaves aren't exactly turning yet (at least not here), but the fall allergens have come on full-force.
My nose is stuffy, my eyes are itchy and a little red (as is my skin). Yeah, that makes for good times (sarcastically said).
So for a brief period of time, I've decided to limit my outdoor time. It started out OK, but now I'm just going crazy. I can't be cooped up inside for very long because then my "obsessive compulsive" tendencies come out to play. I start cleaning. Now, cleaning isn't a bad thing at all....that is unless you are sitting on the floor of the tub with a toothbrush and a mixture of peroxide and baking soda, scrubbing the grout between the tiles. And right now, my body shouldn't be doing such things. Ordinarily I wouldn't care if my back was sore for a week, just so long as every surface was shiny and clean. This time, because of recent developments, I simply cannot. I'm just sitting here trying to do things to distract myself from the urge to clean, clean, clean. Even though things aren't dirty here. Just a little dusty. But its South Texas. Its always dusty.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Uh oh...

Have you ever met someone and knew, just knew, that he/she was meant for you? You look into that person's eyes and you see everything you've ever wanted and longed for. Your heart, your gut and your head all agree and tell you this person is the one.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

When I Venture into the Darkside

I'm, generally, a pretty laid back person. Do you really see it from reading this blog? No. Not at all. Mostly because I wind up using it to vent. Alot. If you haven't noticed.
This is no different.
I am a laid back person. I usually go with the flow, I hardly ever have alot of drama in my life. More than likely I am being dragged into someone else's crap or elected by "friends" to solve their problems.
I don't mind that too much. It allows me to pull myself back after hours of talk with said afflicted persons and say to myself "Whew! I'm so glad I'm not (insert random name here, well, because you don't know my friends. Its ok, I know them well enough for us all :))
Although with this recent "friend break-up" with Mr. X which really left me torn and hurt, but mostly confused, I feel like a hypocrite for feeling bogged down with other people's problems. And I don't know why I'm even mentioning this, its way off subject here. I guess I just want to make sure people know that I know I'm a mess!
What I REALLY want to talk about is arrogance.
I HATE, with a passion, people who think they are better than others. Especially the type of people who would respond: "I don't think, I know!"
Yeah? Well, fuck you, buddy!
There is confidence and then there is straight douchbaggery. It's a very fine line.
Mostly this vent is coming from my recent encounters with pompous, arrogant wastes of space. And I love how most of the people have been men. Seriously. I hate that there are some men who look down on you because you are a woman. Not all men are like that, I know. Its just the ones which are that I wish I could hog tie and force sterilization upon to spare the rest of the decent population from having to put up with that blood line for much longer. That might be a little harsh. Just might.
Well, one encounter was over the fact that I didn't let some guy cut in line whilst trying to exit a restaurant parking lot. It was super packed and somehow this moron thought if he kept backing his car up, space would magically appear in front of my car so he could pull out. No such luck fuck-nut. And still he kept on going. I honked because he got within, no joke, half an inch from my car. Then he rolled down his back window to yell at me for not letting him in and became infuriated when I laughed and asked "Where the hell do you want me to go, I'm just as stuck as you are". So he decided to start yelling, while his kids were in the backseat no less, and calling names and turning red because I was laughing at him. He also didn't like that I had comebacks for his comments. Then when he was blocked in by other cars, I was able to squeeze out to make an exit. He was sent over the edge when the car in back of me immediately pulled up as I scooted out still leaving him blocked in. He thought it would solve ALLLLLL his problems if he got out of his car and demanded that I get out of mine. When I laughed and waved good-bye, He decided it would be ok to throw a rock at my car. No damage was done, it was more like a pebble, but it was enough for me to finally lose my cool, I flipped him the finger as I drove away yelling that I hope he has a fun time trying to get out of the crowded parking lot and commented on the fine example he was setting for his kids. Some other guys were getting out of their car in an attempt to pull him away if he got too close to me. They laughed at the things I was yelling.
Today, some other jack-ass in a store parking lot was cursing me because he thought I was going to steal the parking spot he had already "claimed". So fucking territorial. He looked like a rabid ape throwing his arms everywhere and making all sorts of gestures and he mouth going a mile a minute. You know what asshole? I CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH YOUR FUCKING WINDOWS! And no, I didn't want to park there, I just wanted you to move your ginormous mammoth truck so I can pass by. He didn't even have the balls to confront me when I saw him in said store. Instead as he walked passed me with his girlfriend, who kept her eyes on the ground, giving me dirty looks. Was I scared? No, I stared him down and even gave him a "What? You don't have anything to say to me?" look.
I am, by no means, a weak woman. I have enough strength to back up my mouth. For fuck's sake, I've been able to beat up boys since I was a toddler. I had to hold my own growing up in a neighborhood dominated by males.
But I guess the big thing here is I just don't care. I don't care if you have a shitty attitude towards the world in general to the point where you take it out on people who you deem weaker or smaller than you. I don't care if for whatever reason you hate women (get over it). I don't care if you are just a Grade A Asshole who thinks the world owes you every damn thing you want and that you are just soooooo much better that people need to bow down to you.
I am of the belief that no one person is better than the next. With that said, I am, however, the type that if you do feel that way, I will be the first to make you feel and know otherwise. I'm not intimidated by muscles, big trucks or talk. I am a bitch when you give me a reason to be.
Ahh, now I feel better.
Hope everyone else had a great day! :)

Friday, September 10, 2010

Listen to the Beat of the Tom Tom

Its the weekend. Again. Feels like it just creeped up. Bastard.
Well, the weather finally cleared away. Its sunny and hot again. Just a little more humid. Yuck-ness supreme.
Wow, I think I had something in mind to blog about, but *poof* it has eluded me.
Until I remember...
My dreams have been getting so damn strange lately. And me thinking they are strange is, well, it just says ALOT. The only bright side is the awesome lesbian sex dream I had last night. Otherwise, my mind has been all over the place upon entrance to Dream Land. I know Gerard Butler has been in a recent dream too...just not the lesbian sex one. That would be odd. I mean...come on. Its Gerard Butler. He's attractive but not in a If-I-See-His-Sexy-Ass-I'm-So-Gonna-Mount-Him-And-Make-Him-Cry-For-More kinda way. And that's how I roll. If you're gonna do something, better not be half-assed. Unless that's just how you feel. And secondly, he's just not a woman. It would've just been a regular sex dream, when I find the lesbian ones, well, better!
Yeah, my mind is EVERYWHERE.
I went on some errands today and noticed that alot of stores have put out Halloween stuff. I LOVE Halloween. Its just not like it used to be when I was a kid. Wow, I sound old. But seriously, it seems so different. Eh, at least I get to stuff my face with chocolate between rings of the doorbell.
And then, I think: Wow, this year has absolutely flown by.
And then I'll be another year older.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Dear Mr. Sandman, Where the HELL were you last night?

This morning found me completely sleep deprived. I didn't get some sort of sleep until about five in the morning and then got up just an hour and a half later. The reason is that from the moment the sunset to about the time it rose again, the sky was littered with the most vivid lightning show. There were moments when my room was lit up with a bright white light. I would liken the experience to being in a room with a strobe light...and a low, bass-filled sound system as the soft, distant rumbling of thunder kicked in.
Don't get me wrong, I love storms- in all shapes and sizes...and brightness-es. But as I mentioned in my last post, I'm just constantly exhausted as of late. So I'm just sitting at my desk, trying my darndest to keep my eyes open. Gravity has a vice grip on my lashes wanting to draw closed the shades of my eyes. Its a battle I cannot lose. I am stubborn.
So far the only short-lived cure is popping cinnamon Altoids. Not too bad, I love cinnamon. I just can't feel my tongue.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Who'll Stop the Rain

Yes, I used a Creedence Clearwater Revival (or CCR, if you are hip and in the know) song title as the title of my blog. It fits. Sue me.

There is a nice reprieve from the rain. Torrential rain. I love it. Tropical Storm Hermine has passed through. It had been raining for two days almost non-stop, pretty much. Despite the humidity and raging pain in one of my knees as a result, I enjoyed it all. And now its in the lower 70s. Nice!

I had a pretty lackluster holiday weekend. Spending time with family is always draining. I'm not sure if its because they talk too loud or because I'm the black sheep. Yeah, they mostly sat with their backs to me. I went out of obligation. I have all but given up on trying to maintain relationships with them. It doesn't really bother me anymore. I've known from a very very early age that my parents have favored, considerably, my older sibling. The only trade off in attending family functions is the hope of seeing one of my cousin's kids. She adores me to no end. I still don't know what it is that makes her look up to me. I don't know if its because I take time to listen to her (although everyone should, she's not even in double digits age-wise but she has such a mouth on her and is beyond opinionated) or if its because I give her advice. Either way, she's great! If not for her, I wouldn't even bother showing up.
It was just the type of weekend where all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and laze around. Maybe do a little baking. But lately I've been beyond exhausted. I hate naps so anytime I have to just lay down for a bit (although its more like four hours). My body hates me and is rebelling.
Good times!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Happy Friday!

I'm so happy its finally Friday. Not because I have plans or anything. Just because. And it rained alot last night. When I turned in for the night, there were soft rumbles of thunder and a beautiful lightning show. Ah, I love summer thunder storms. Well, I just like storms in general. I sat outside on the porch for a while just enjoying this brief, rare ocurrance. The neighbor's cat decided to join me. She lazily layed by my side, tail sweeping around the porch. And she likes when I give her attention and scratch her back. It was relaxing for me too.
Now, all I need to add to this story is a knitting project and some homemade chicken noodle soup, and I'm totally a throw blanket away from being a spinster! Ah, such lofty life goals.
Well, have a good weekend and have a safe Labor Day!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Bitch is Back

I smiled today.
It was nice.
Why did I smile?
Something inside me just sort of "clicked". I think that once and for all I can put Mr. X behind me. Which is amazing to feel free and healed.
I think this mostly came about because I was helping a friend through some drama with a guy. And she called me "Wise" with the advice I was giving her. She commented at how clearly I always see things and am able to diagnose and provide accurate advice to help her issues. So I really looked at her situation and the advice I gave and thought about how, in some aspects my words would apply to the situation with Mr.X (even though I am completely cut off from him communication-wise). So for once, I took my own advice. And it worked. So...If I could talk to him, I think this is pretty much what I would say:

Goodbye Mr. X. I loved you and cared for you more than you will ever know or care. Your friendship, at one time, meant so much to me and I loved all the great times we had. You provided a valuable and unforgettable experience in my life for which I have learned a great deal. I hoped that things would have ended in a more positive manner, however, I wish you luck and happiness with all that you do.

Forever Moved On

Eh, short but I guess that gets the point across. I just know that now I will never hurt again because of him. I entered into that relationship with him and, to be honest, thought it would be a strong, life-long companionship. Life has proved otherwise. And I know that the friends I do have in my life already are amazing and supportive and loving.
While I'm speaking on the subject of friends, I would like to thank my favorite blog stalker (and I think my only reader at this point) for all his support. I love you, buddy. Seriously though, dork, you need to tell me whether or not you wish to be anon. If so, I need a good nick name for you.

Otherwise, life is back on track and I am happy. I'm writing my short stories like freakin' crazy and its going so surprisingly well. One friend of mine thinks that once I finish, I should try and get them published. I laughed and said "Nobody likes short stories anymore". I think that mostly these are just for me. Like a well-written account of my dreams. Although, if I could make a decent living off being a published writer...I'd be happy...but nah..
Its just a great way to end August. If only it wasn't so damn hot. Then I'd be truly and completely happy. And then I could take over the world!

Monday, August 23, 2010

"Your Own Icicle Island"

The title for this post will make sense in a bit.
I really hate being dragged into someone else's drama.
I mean seriously, a person I haven't seen for over 10 years is using the fact that we are "friends" to start drama between two of my other friends. Nice one.
So, all that is just bringing me down lately. Its horrible for this person to tell a lie about me in order to push these two people apart from eachother out of jealousy and bitterness. It just seems so childish. And it is. I just can't fathom someone doing something like that at this stage of life. Or, well, ever.
I just have to roll my eyes and remind my friends that if they automatically believe what they are being told instead of talking to the other person in question then its just not worth it to me to fight for the friendship. Is that harsh?
Eh, well its just all so confusing lately. I don't necessarily hold grudges, I'll let things go, but I won't forgive and I cut the person out of my life. And it sucks to have to be doing that now. I love my friends all so deeply, especially since I've had most of my friends now for years and years. But to be put into situations like the current one I'm in, it makes it hard to feel like any of it is worth it.
And then that just makes me feel like a hipocrite. Why? Because I've been missing and thinking about Mr. X (formerly Douchey) and it's weird. I felt like I had let go, finally, and was moving on, finally. And then it seems like *poof* there he is again in my head and my dreams. *sigh* I don't know. Maybe it'll help to just remember that he moved on. He's gone from my life for a reason, right? Gotta be strong.
Oh but speaking of dreams, I had some weird dreams last night. But I bought a journal to keep track of my dreams. I'm making short stories out of them. So far, I have three! Its absolutely awesome to be writing in that sense again. I can't believe how much I've missed it so. Hopefully it turns out well. So far my stories are liked. That's a big plus.
And I guess speaking of Mr. X, and reading a reader's blog, and thinking of my current situation with some friends, I've been listening to this song alot. Enjoy.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Just Another Saturday....In Hell

I'm a whiney bitch. I know. But its really hot. Really.
I still have that stupid headache.
Should I be concerned?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Friday Night Fights

*sigh* Ok. Still sick. And to add to that enjoyment, I've just found out I'm being dragged into severe drama by a person I haven't seen in over 10 years but kept in touch with. A person with whom I've always been kind and caring towards. Shown concern for. Just to find out she's being two-faced for some ridiculous reason.
I've gone back in time folks!
This is middle school allll over again.
I'm nearing 30 years old. I've been too old for things like this for YEARS now. I've evolved from having to resort to "he said/she said" bullshit. I mean, if I EVER have trouble with someone I A) Vent here and B) let that person know directly. I don't go behind backs and gossip like a little girl.
Just venting. Obviously.

Friday in Hell

Its hot. Still.
I actually got sick from the heat. I'm so damn stubborn. I feel like dying.

Well, I had a dream about Douchey. Ya know, I need to think of a new nickname for him. I kinda hate using "Douchey". That more accurately explains his last actions with me not him overall...Eh. I don't know.
Anyway, so the dream.
I had dreamt that he had contacted me again and we had been trying to mend our friendship. It seemed like all was as it should be. It seemed like there was never a break in the friendship. I was a little indifferent to it though. He wanted to take a trip to spend time to really reconnect. For some reason we decided on Reno, NV. I don't know where that came from. No offense to Reno, but I think there were numerous other destinations that would've been better. Its a place I've never plan to visit. Hmm, maybe that's why it happened that way in the dream because in reality this will NEVER happen. *sigh*
So I meet him at the hotel. I checked in first and was in my room getting things in order. I remember the room was done in this sort of shimmery yellow and white wallpaper. There was plenty of sunlight from two windows adjacent to eachother and the bed was a king with a plush gold comforter and matching pillows and numerous accent pillows. The carpet was standard for hotel rooms; it was some sort of garrish maroon color with gold swirls. As I was plugging in my cell to charge, I heard a knock on the door. I open the door to see Douchey standing there. He smiled his little smirk and hugged me. At this point, for some reason, Seasame Street was on my mind. I think I was wearing a shirt with all the characters of Seasame Street on we're talking and planning out what we should do. Trying to figure out if we were both hungry or if getting something to eat would be a start or just getting out in Reno and exploring. I think we decided we would venture out to see what the city had to offer. He said he forgot something in his room and that he would be right back because his room was next to mine. I thought that was odd. So, I waited. I stared at the view from my windows. It was surpringly quite nice! I definitely started warming up to the idea of reconnecting. I don't normally give people second chances. And as much as I hurt I don't think that if he came back I would welcome him. So this dream and the idea of that is odd. But in the dream I was content to try this again. And I waited. Waited. Waited. Finally there was a knock at my door. I got up, slightly annoyed, to answer. Instead of seeing Douchey, I saw a police officer and the hotel manager. They asked if they could come in. With nothing to hide, I let them in and asked if there was something wrong. They informed me that Douchey had disappeared. I asked what they meant and they said they were doing a random sweep of the entire hotel and every guest and employee was accounted for except him. They said they have him on security cameras coming out of my room and that was it. He vanished. I said that maybe all they had to do was check his hotel room. They said they've knocked repeatedly with no answer from him. I laughed at this and said they surely can enter his room with a master key card. As I said this I remember looking for my key card and discovered that I had three instead of the two they normally give. I began to suspect that he gave me one for some reason. I bring this up to them and they kinda ignore it.
The officer then brings up the idea that Douchey's identity maybe a false one. I laugh again and ask if that is really plausible. I shake my head and say "He may be ALOT of things, but fraudulent isn't one of them".
At that point, I kinda tune them out and just start thinking of everything. I decide that if they aren't going to listen to me about the key cards I would try it out myself to see if I can enter his room. But they won't let me leave the room just yet. They ask me if he and I are in on something together. I tell them that if I was plotting something with him I probably would have vanished as well instead of being left here alone and devastated. Then the hotel manager brings out a laptop, pulls up a U.S. map and starts speculating as to where Douchey could be. She mostly focuses on the southern states and even Mexico. The cop brings up something about North Carolina. And I feel so lost because, well, these are all so far-fetched and unrealistic. So, once again, I tune them out. I start going through my luggage and start picking out what I'm gonna wear for the next few days. I figure I won't let this drama ruin my vacation. If Douchey did disappear, I'll be damned if I'm wasting a perfectly good trip. I have a hotel room and money. I'm playing tourist.

That's pretty much all there is to the dream.
The alarm went off and I woke up, head still pounding.
I have no idea what it all means...
Oh well.
And to all my readers: Have a good weekend!!! :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Sweet Ray and Hellish Heat

Ah so my Ray LaMontagne song collection is updated and complete, once again. I officially have over 100 of his songs. No, I don't have a problem. I just really love Ray LaMontagne's music. This new album is absolutely amazing. It really sounds like he's going back to the way he made music when he first started out. I like that. Alot.
Now that I've said my part about Ray...
Its really hot outside. Still. I know, its summer in south Texas. Jogging has been absolute hell. I don't know if its the heat or the humidity but lately my legs have been sore afterwards. I've been stretching alot more and definitely gonna step up my yoga routine. Ahh things we do...
Otherwise, alls quiet. That makes me happy.

Oh. Happy birthday, Douchey.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


Hmm...I have a headache. I hate the heat...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hello Strangers. Its been awhile

Its be awhile... *Slaps wrist* Bad blogger. Baaaaaaaad blogger! I guess I've just been trying to keep super busy so as to not fall too into the horrible monotony that can become my life.
Eh, so, ok, there isn't too much going on. At all.
I've actually been trying to convince a friend of mine to start a blog too. She's alot like me. But the reason I've been wanting her to start a blog is because of her recent experiences.
Her house is haunted. Seriously.
She called me a couple of weeks ago with her latest "scare". Sometimes it stresses her out. And one thing we've talked about is that we aren't sure if its actually the house itself or if its her. She's had so many experiences over the course of her life so far. She's seen and heard things since she was a kid. Who knows. But I thought for her it would be a great thing to blog about just to get it off her chest. *shudders*
Well, as far as my other friends go, things are busy for them. One of my good friends has been wanting me to go hang out at her bar. I've been sick lately and trying to just do the right thing by resting and eating right and trying to exercise (despite this wretched heat). Besides for the kind of sick I've been getting, its not exactly a good idea to throw alcohol into the mix. Not. Good. At. All.
Side note: Mmm, chocolate milk.
I really like chocolate milk. Alot.
I'm very excited and almost forgot...Ray LaMontagne has a new album coming out in a couple of weeks *checks calendar* Ok, more like in 6 days. And I was even more excited that has been streaming the new cd. I listened to it over and over yesterday and pretty much know all the lyrics to the new songs. Eeek!! Wow, I'm such a geek. I love me some Ray LaMontagne though. More than chocolate milk. Alot.
Bleh. But speaking of August 17....
That would be the same day as the birthday of Douchey (Ex-bff as previously mentioned). I hadn't thought about him at all in the last few (give or take) months. But as soon as I realized it was August the first thing that popped into my head was "Oh, shit, his birthday is coming up". And in me arose mixed feelings. Part of me hopes he is doing well and is planning something nice for his birthday and he other part of me, well, aches. I need more chocolate milk, I think.
But really, I think I've made good progress in moving on and getting passed all this crap.
Like that? Eh, Smoooooth transition. Just go with it.
And then I realized "Oh shit, its AUGUST!! Where the fuck has the year gone!?!" This has been, by far, a short year. Either way, I hope this summer passes quickly too. Its really hot.
Lately its been in the high 90s with heat indexes in the low to mid 100s. Gotta love summers in South Texas.

Ooooh and while I'm thinking of Ray LaMontagne. I came across a song he did with Rachael Yamagata called "Duet". Its just amazing. Absolutely haunting. I. Love. It. Alot.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Baked goods, Work, and a "Stairway"

Well, as is usual, not much going in my tiny little dot of the world.
That is, at least, until I fall asleep.
Yes, I had yet another strange dream.
Shocked? You shouldn't be. Ha!
Well, it started with me in a car, being driven to some unknown job by my ex (with whom I'm still friends with and rather close to). I'm sitting in the passenger seat holding a foil tray full of unknown goodies covered with foil. Written on top in big bold letters by a permanent marker: Property of Laurie. DO NOT EAT.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm wearing, except a denim jacket as I can at least see my arms a I'm gazing down at this tray. For some reason I feel a little bit like I'm not wanting to go to work. I look around out of the windows at the scenery as it passes me by. Everything outside is somewhat faded and old-looking, perhaps as if I'm looking at old photographs. Its all familiar as I drive through it all on an almost daily basis. My ex and I are somewhat silent. But that's the great thing about him, we can sit comfortably in silence. I reach over to turn up the radio and whatever we are listening to (because usually in the car I have my ipod plugged in) starts playing Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven". That is odd. For one, I do play my ipod while I sleep and have often had songs play into my dream. However, while I do have "Stairway" in my itunes playlist, I have yet to update my ipod so there's no way it can play into my dream. Secondly, I had been thinking about a different song as I was drifting off to sleep so I would've expect that song to be featured.
Back to the dream.
I look over at The Ex. He seems calm and relaxed as he's driving. I smile and resume gazing out of the window and listening to "Stairway". I love the song and I start feeling the way I usually do when I hear it. Its hard to describe the feeling. We arrive at my place of work and as I'm gathering my things while trying to  get out and not drop the tray I tell The Ex, "I think I'm going to listen to more Zeppelin today at work. Maybe even just some classic rock in general. I love this song." He chuckled and said "That should be good. Help ya relax some, hun. Have a good day, I'll pick you up later." We smile and I make my way inside this building with a seemingly unusual number of windows. I take an elevator to a higher floor. I'm first in whatever office I work in and I turn the lights on, while humming "Stairway", and make my way to my office (I've never had a job where I had my own office..bummer) and lay the tray of goodies on top of a mini-fridge. I start up my computer and attempt to find some of the music I said I'd listen to. I replay "Stairway" and continue going about setting up for my day. I started wiping down my desk (which is actually  norm for me to do this with desk jobs) with a Clorox wipe. Usually this is the routine: Wipe down the phone: receiver and buttons. Wipe keyboard: all of the keys. Wipe down the computer mouse, the buttons on the monitor, the gel wrist guard, and the surrounding areas on the desk. One of my co-workers shows up and asks if he should start the coffee, to which I happily answer "Yes!". We meet in the break room and talk as he makes coffee. I tell him I made brownies and they are in my office if he cares to have some with the coffee. We chit chat for a little bit and after I grab a cup, I head back to my office. The phone rings and I answer it and deal with whoever it is. I begin working on my comp, as people slowly start filtering in for the day. I begin checking email and dealing with calls. People also start coming in and out of my office, some for the brownies and others sit at my desk and we discuss various things.
And then I woke up.
It was so odd.
Well hopefully it just means I'll find a job soon. Oooooodd-ness!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Death and Taxing Dreams

It feels like summer. Its been hot out and miserable. Ah gotta love south Texas weather. I've been trying to distract myself from all that's happened lately. Just move on and heal.
I've resumed going on drives in the Hill Country. Hot, but beautiful and green. One of my favorite little towns got hit pretty big with flooding last month but I was glad to see the rebuild. And just last week or so, one of my other favorite little towns fell victim to flooding. I called my family there and thankfully, they are fine and with no damage to their property. One of my favorite parks is probably gonna be closed for a while. But soon all will be as it should be. Life will go on :)
Just as a side, I wanna say congrats to my fave blog stalker who (I'm assuming he wants to remain anon) just got a new job! I'm so very proud of you and I love ya!! I really hopes it really works out!
Oh! I did have a couple of strange dreams.
The first one I dreamt I got a text from my deceased friend. And I replied but he never responded. So I decided to go to a friends house as a distraction. When I arrived, the house was run down and the paint had long faded. Instead of a paved drive way, there was a dirt lot. It looked odd but despite that I got out of the car and approached the house as if it were familiar. I did slow down a bit when I saw some things on the porch that either didn't belong or would be unsual for my friend to have. I knocked on his door and he answered, smiling, a welcomed and comforting sight. He saw the look on my face and pulled me into a hug and asked what was wrong. We sat on his porch for a bit while I told him about the text from the dead friend. His face changed and he fell silent. Finally he said that we better go inside. We walked inside his house and there stood my dead friend, very much alive. He looked shocked to see me and his face immediately became remorseful. I could immediately feel myself start to cry. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing me so upset by his obvious deception I tried to run to the restroom. It just so happened that the room he was staying in was across the hall from the restroom. As I approached the door I could see the door to his room was slightly open allowing me a glance at his bed. Laying soundly asleep in his bed was a girl. A girl I hate. So it was salt in an open wound. I collapsed in the hallway sobbing as I slid down the wall. My other friend rushed to my side to pick me up and I remember him yelling at my dead friend. I don't really know what he was yelling at him but I remember the look on the dead friend's face. He seemed to almost wanna cry. He couldn't even look at the girl, sleeping oblivious in his bed. He kept looking at me and looking down. He said my name a few times, barely audible. The last time he said it with such sorrow, I looked up at him and he looked torn and said "I'm sorry". That was it for me. I think I started yelling at him asking how he could do that. How he could choose such a way to leave by saying he was dying, had died, and saying he loved me. How such lies could come from him. I asked if he liked seeing me hurt and crushed, the result of his lies. Because I mourned, grieved for him. And to know he was lying, that it was all a game to him was the worst kind of deception, the most horrible thing someone could do to anyone, "deserving" or not. I decided that I just needed to leave. My friend tried to get me to calm down before I left so I wasn't driving angry or not be able to focus. Then the dead friend tried to get me to stay so we could talk about everything. That made me want to haul ass faster. Both friends, with different intentions, followed me out the door. They were both talking at me and I tried to tune them both out and just stop thinking. I walked toward the back of the house and he back yard which was a huge lot. I was trying to get them to shut up and just let me leave. I kept walking and walking in the back yard trying to find a way to my car. I approached what was a night club. I could see blue, dim lights coming from inside and hear the bass in the music playing. I stopped and asked what the hell this club was doing there. My friend told me it was a new business venture with the dead friend and he wanted to tell me about it in time. I just went right into the club and lost them in the crowd. Everything was lit in this electric blue and as I looked around I saw many familiar faces. And all I could feel was brokenhearted and deceived. Like all these people knew but me.
And then I woke up.
It was such a horrible dream and I don't even know why I dreamt it. I've been thinking about it alot lately. Or, well, trying not to.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Life, again...

Well, here I am again, posting after quite some time has passed. Hopefully I'll be posting more often. I do have more free time on my hands now. Well the amazing guy I had met..
I fell in love and he died.
I am completely heartbroken. I have felt so lost lately and I cry alot. I know I will heal in time. This is by far the hardest thing I've been through. I will miss him terribly and thank my friend (one in particular) for being supportive.
R.I.P Buddy. I loved you. I really hope you knew that. And I really hope you meant it when you said you did too.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Insert something witty here

Well, I suppose it has been a while since my last entry. A dear, sweet friend (*cough* blog stalker lol) kindly reminded me about this. I guess I lost track of time or got wrapped up in life or something. Honestly I don't know where my head is lately. My dad is fine, out of the hospital and recovering. My back has healed although I had gotten into an accident shortly after throwing it out and re-injured my back and sprained my knee and ankle and bruised my shoulder. ugh. Well it happens right?
But I am better now.
Well that issue I wanted to talk about in my last post...well ugh.
I had met a guy and he seemed nice at first. He was sweet and kind and respectful. We started out as great friends at first, but when he started to have feelings for me it got bad. He became jealous and possessive and bordered heavily on mental abuse. I jumped ship quickly. And he was causing trouble between me and some friends. It was hard to go through and I almost shut down completely but I had to just get through it. He threatened and scared me a couple of times and then acted like he didn't or down played it. It was horrible and I'm glad he's gone from my life.
Then I met an amazing guy. He's gorgeous, funny, smart and just great! We spent alot of time getting to know eachother and talked alot. Just great! The only problem is now he just views me as a good friend. I didn't really realize I liked him more than that until recently. He says he has trust issues with women and I can understand and respect that seeing as what has happened in his past. I think in a sense we all tend to have varying degrees of trust issues with people. *shrug* maybe I'm wrong. Oh well, he has been a good friend so I'm glad to have him in my life.
Otherwise, everything is well. I have no complaints and am hapy to be getting back into my work out routine after the short hiatus. It killed me not to be able to do any physical activity while injured. Yuck.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Random update while I can't sit upright...

Well, I suppose its been a while since my last post. Life happens. Well to begin, Easter was great. Good food and family, always a plus. But now my dad is in the hospital and I threw my back out so I've been trying to heal and help my mother.
Its hot and humid and kinda raining here, which I love but its hell on my knee and ankle. Sprained my ankle bad playing soccer in high school and its been super sensitive since.
There is something in my life going on too that I really want/need to talk about but I need to devote the time and entry to it. I can't believe I let myself get into a certain situation but alas, it happened and I learned and am moving on.
Otherwise I think I'm content. Happy. Getting back to where I wanna be. I'm spending alot of time by myself so I have done alot of soul searching and I'm happier for it. I miss my friends alot but my best friend of 15 years keeps texting me refusing to really let me slip away in to the revelry of my solitude. Works for me.
Well, I need food and a shower. Pain medication makes me sweat and sleep alot more than I like. *Shudders* not good, not good at all!
I hope everyone is well!
I miss you Derrick!!! :) Got a lil bit o news for ya but I guess I'd need your number or be able to give you mine or email or well there's messenger too...lmao sorry, I'll sort it out and get back with ya :D

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I Never Thought You'd Slip Away

I've been up and I've been down. Today, down. I don't know. I had a great Saturday. I drove with a friend to a small town about an hour and a half from where I live (yes, again with the small town drives!) It was amazing. We went to this little restaurant and had the most amazing goat burger!! I'll have to write a separate post about this later.
After eating we decided to walk around some antique shops. I love that. Its always so interesting for me to see how things that once belonged to someone, perhaps things that meant the world to a person at one time end up in a jumbled mass of stuff for sale. Then people rummage through this stuff trying only to find an item that is worth alot of money. I shake my head at them. I take my time. I look at every single thing. An old cast iron, woodburning stove, a postcard with a picture of roses with a heartfelt thought carefully written in delicate flowery penmanship by one cousin to another sending well wishes and love, a tattered and well used children's book, a set of mixing bowls from the 40s- a complete set, used but somehow in almost immaculate condition. Its so amazing to me. They are not just things. They were/are a part of life. At one time any given object was present during either a specific or even a random event in somebody's life. Memories...for sale.
Can you tell I'm down?
Well this morning found me with hopes for a better day. I had my usual bacon, eggs, and fresh scratch biscuits with coffee. That was somewhat comforting. Comfort food.
I don't know. I had a really good day during the week. I started my Spring Cleaning. I love it. I go through all my things and get rid of those that are unnecessary. I thoroughly clean EVERYTHING. I go and go and go until my back hurts and my knees ache. I use every muscle in my body to bring freshness into my house. I was so happy. I had an "Angela" moment. Ya know from "My So-Called Life". There was that episode where Angela (played by Clair Danes) had woken up in the morning so over Jordan Catalano (played by a yummy Jared Leto). She started dancing around her bedroom to the Violent Femmes song, "Blister in the Sun". That was me. I woke up feeling so free. I felt like for once I could finally breathe I didn't have that sort of, kinda over it feeling laced with a heaviness like I had been feeling. I put my ipod on shuffle and cleaned and danced around to all the fast songs and sang all the slow ones. My favorite song was "Heads Will Roll" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
At one point I happened to glance out the window and saw a scraggly little tree in the distance. It wasn't green and blooming like the others. It was small, grey and devoid of leaves. It was as if Winter's embrace would not let go. At first I thought I might be like that tree. Then a crow landed on the top branch. It just settled and sat there. On this particular day the wind blew fiercely. I could hear it shaking the screens on my windows. A soft "woosh" sound surrounded the house. Each strong gust threatened to throw the bird from the tree. The tree danced wildly back and forth, each and every limb flailing with such violent movements. And the crow foolishly and stubbornly clung to that top branch, never waivering. That was me. Though the tree was making obvious attempts to rid itself of the burden brought by the weight of the crow, the crow was unyielding. It wanted to remain in that spot, happy for whatever reason. The tree didn't want it. The tree was unhappy with the presence of the crow. Either the crow was blissfully ignorant or just didn't care. The tree wanted to be free, the crow wanted to settle and rest. Finally the crow flew away and surprisingly the wind subsided and the tree stood still. *I decided to turn that experience into a short story. I'm almost done with it. Just a side note.
It just made me feel down. I thought of a song that Douchey (the ex bff) sent me from Shinedown, "The Crow and the Butterfly"

And then it made me think of how it was all like a domino effect. First he pulled away and then slowly all my other friends are pulling away. I don't talk to anyone lately. With the exception of one person. Ok well I can't escape the people I live with. That's one good thing. But I guess I just feel alone. Especially at a time when I don't want to. And I hate that maybe I'm not 100% over losing Douchey. I want to be. I need to be. He's moved on I'm sure. Why can't I? Did he mean more to me than I did to him? Is that what makes it easier?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Slightly Incoherent Rambling

Well, as per the request of My Sweetness (my blog stalker), I'm writing another post. Apparently he gets cranky if I don't post regularly...psshhh.
Life has been pretty tame lately. I think. Well as far as anything that I'd blog about.
The weather has been odd for the most part. We've had a couple of days where its been sunny and warm and spring-like then it gets cold and rains for a bit. I'm sick. Not sick of the weather but the weather is making me sick. I have had a cough since winter that won't subside. The doc says to just take cough medicine (really?? is that ALL I have to do? wow...). I hate cough medicine. I don't like medicine much in general. Eh. Then my allergies are killing me. They make my mouth dry and my eyes itchy. It'll all go away someday! Ha!
But I did go for a drive yesterday afternoon. I love just going for drives on the weekends. I don't know about other states but in Texas we have few major cities and a ton of little towns in between, each with its own little charm and salsa that is above anything I've ever had. Seriously. You can visit any little town in Texas and its almost guaranteed that you will find some sort of homemade salsa in a General Store. And its always AMAZING. So far my favorite has been this peach salsa I found in a town, oh say, two hours from here. And bakeries with the most amazing sweets you'll ever have.
Hmm, maybe I should do this when I have my stuff together (like my head) and organize my pictures from my various little trips. I shall...indeed I shall.
And yesterday morning found me making muffins. I heart muffins. I made banana nut with cinnamon crumb topping.
Now I'm hungry.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

When Neither Sleeping nor Waking are Beneficial

Its such a beautiful day again today. Its been pouring almost non-stop since last night. I actually fell asleep listening to the rain. I had a couple of glasses of wine, turned off the lights, turned on some soft music, opened the blinds, relaxed....then next thing I know...Zzzzzz
I had a dream last night. Well, I have dreams every night but last night was a recurring dream. Ok, well I shouldn't say that. I've had it once before.
The problem with it is that its partly about the ex best friend of mine that I've mentioned before. The one that left me heartbroken with his douchebaggery. That dream pretty much came out of nowhere too. I hadn't thought about him for a few weeks. You can ask my sweetness (one guy who will always be a constant in my life!! He needs a nick name...). He stalks this blog! Ha ha! Kidding! I love you, buddy!
And I had gotten rid of everything that reminds me of Douchey McGee (ex bff)- pictures, all his cute texts and emails. deleted him from my messenger (as I already figured he blocked me from his- he lives on that damn thing). Anyway so I went through the usual "friend purge". And I had dreamt of him before, a few weeks ago. I had a problem where most nights I would dream about him coming to me and basically breaking down in front of me. He would just sit there and cry and cry and cry on my shoulder while I held him. Then it progressed to him crying and saying "I'm so sorry" over and over and over. Well, those finally subsided, much to my relief.
Last night I had this dream where I was initially walking through this unfamiliar, yet dimly lit shopping mall. It was full of stores I had never seen/heard of before. I'm walking around with a sort of empty/lonely feeling just looking at everything. It seems as if I'm just going through the motions of shopping. I pop into a couple of stores. I start feeling even more lonely as well as bored and cold. as I'm walking around I see a set of double-doors that leads to an outside courtyard. I approach them and as I push them open I'm blinded by a bright light that is unbearable. I shield my eyes from the light as I blindly stumble outside. I slowly begin to open my eyes, braced for the intensity of the light only to find that the light has adjusted itself and is a normal sunny day. I look around a a few groups of people, either sitting at some tables or standing around. They are all talking and laughing and having a good time. It fills me with sadness and makes me feel like I don't belong. I just begin to wander around and see off in the distance someone sitting by the edge of a lake that is backed by a huge snow-covered mountain. I start walking towards this person as they are the only one aside from me that is alone. As I get close I recognize this person immediately. Its Douchey. Even though there is no sound in this dream (which is odd for me) I know that I call his name as I feel my mouth move. He quickly turns around, smiles big and gets up. He runs over toward me. Grabs me in a huge embrace. I close my eyes and bury my head in his neck and take in his scent. When we pull apart, he takes my hand and leads me back to the lake where we sit with our feet in the water and talk and look at the mountain. The conversation seems pleasant as we laugh occassionally and give shy glances. Then I stand up, slide my shoes on and he stands up as well. We look at eachother for a moment and then he pulls me in for a huge hug and kisses me. I walk away and look back a few times to see him watching me leave.
The second part of the dream is different from the first time. The details the second time around are fuzzy. But basically that is it. And its frustrating. Oh well.
And then I have actual man problems. I think.
I met this guy a couple of weeks ago. He's sweet, very kind, funny.
Not too long after I met him he told me that he sees us married by next summer. I only wish I could've seen my own face at that. We had a talk.
Things after that were good. Hanging out, talking alot...that sort of thing. I don't know why it bothers me the way he gets excited around me or talking to me. Its not in a creepy way or anything. I don't know.
Then yesterday we started the day with our usual texting while he's at work. Half way through the day it just stops. I was expecting him to call me but when he didn't I just wanted to make sure he was ok. I called him and instead of just ringing and getting his voicemail I get a message (the pre-recorded kinds from the operator) that his phone isn't accepting calls. So I shrug it off. He calls me later that night, I don't answer since I don't know the number. He leaves a voicemail. It says that he's calling from his cousin's phone because his isn't working. Leaves me his cousin's number in case I need to reach him for anything and apologizes for it. Hmm.. I don't know what to think of that. *sigh*
At least my wine was good.

Monday, March 15, 2010

A Strange Girl Goes to a Strange Birthday Party

Waking up this morning was nice. Its dark, gray and beautiful out, albeit a little humid. I liked my weekend.
I attended a house party. Those are always interesting and fun. A friend of mine invited me as she and her roommates (members of a local band) were hosting a birthday party for one of their band members. And even though I had not previously met the birthday boy, I was still stoked to go because I get along great with that group of people. Add to that mix a rare thing for me: drinking. Good times were had by all, mostly.
The night started out great, lots of laughing and talking and, well, mixing drinks. I met quite a few people that I hadn't before, so it was nice getting to know new folk. And I think what makes people comfortable with me is that in social situations I come across as confident and approachable. I can maintain a conversation with anyone. Quite frankly I think that attitude has alot to do with my getting ready. I always dress to When I pick something out to wear it is never with the thought of  "Will people think I look hot in this?" its always about me being pleased with how I look. That's the most important thing. I want to make sure I feel comfortable. That's all. When I do, I'm relaxed and in turn, I guess that makes others feel relaxed. So everyone wins! Bonus! Of course its confusing too.
That kind of thing has its ups and downs.
At one point I was chatting with this girl. She was blonde with sleepy, but amazing green eyes and a diamond in her nose. We were out on the back patio where guests go to smoke. She's telling me about how she's been trying to quit smoking. I applaud her efforts because, well, I think its awesome when people try to do things for the benefit of health (ok, so it seems hypocritical seeing as how we're drunk...). She then begins to change the conversation into how great she thinks I am which then turns into her hitting on me. I'll NEVER complain about a hot girl hitting on me. And even though I was hoping maybe I'd get to kiss her a bit, I was whisked away by a friend to be introduced to some other people. Which is still ok. That girl went the rest of the night telling people how awesome I am every time she saw me around. And really, seeing her eyeing me from across the room at times stirred up some...desires. All in all not a bad feeling.
Wow. I kinda sound conceited, don't I?
Well, as a side, I've always been the girl with low self-esteem, even now I suffer a little bit of that. But having changed physically from what I once was, I'm growing comfortable with how I look which gives me confidence and a better self esteem which I guess becomes noticeable to others which then leads to attention. I'm not in any way an attention-whore but I do like when I find people attractive and they find the same in return. But of course the only thing that matters is that first and foremost I like me. I'm just enjoying seeing how I feel about myself effects how other people feel about me. Its my time of exploration. Mama, I'm becoming a woman.
So really even though this is mostly about going to a party, its also about putting down and analyzing my interactions with others and their reactions to me. And that gets interesting...
Early in the evening I notice (because its not hard to notice a 6ft 7in tall guy who is extremely skinny. Seriously, one of his legs was almost 1/3 the size of one of mine and well, anyone else's too! My gawking is interrupted by my friend asking me if I'd go with her to get something to eat. We all know drinking isn't good for you, but even worse is drinking on an empty stomach. Eating something, especially a fatty food like hamburgers, will slow down the absorption rate of alcohol in the blood. (wow, I can't believe I remember that from a course I took in college for my culinary degree) My friend asks her roommates if they'd like anything as well seeing as how they mostly spent their time preparing for the night and skipped dinner. Tall Guy wants to go with us. Since he's tall he gets to ride shotgun while I retire to the back of the car, shoving aside various junk littering the backseat. But I'm happy that one of the roommates left their A Perfect Circle CD playing so we had awesome tunes for the short trip. However Tall Guy decides he wants to talk to us about a Dildo business he's starting up. Its kinda creepy.
I was happy to return to the house and join less creepy people. The unfortunate thing is that Tall Guy decides to periodically follow me throughout the night. This included cornering me in the kitchen and telling me about his nipple fetish. It was something like: "I have this thing about nipples. Unlike other guys, I like to spend quite a bit of time on a girl's nipples. I take my time with them, sucking, biting, licking them. And I don't have a thing just about girl's nipples, also my own. I'm into nipple clamps and hooking them up to batteries for shocking." At this point a couple of others present were laughing because I was covering up my own chest with my hands. But those guys did come to my rescue so I can't be mad at them for laughing. Bastards. I make my escape but it doesn't end there, he decides to sit with me for a while later. I was kinda glad when he left. Poor guy. Still creepy.
The rest of the night was great. I met a funny EMT whom I made laugh to the point where he was crying which I later found out was a good thing since he's usually the funny one and its hard to make him laugh. Then one of the guys in the band,  recognized him right away because a friend in high school had a horrible crush on the guy even though he didn't know she existed. Ironically he knew I did. I was chatting with his wife and he stood there staring at me then said "you know what? you look so familar!" Not wanting to be weird, I just said "Yeah, you do too" pretending to think about where I could possibly know him from. Then he mentioned high school and I pretended to think a bit more then have a moment of realization. Ha ha! But its nice to know I wasn't such an invisible nerd back then. *facepalm
There was a couple (whose names I'm keeping out of this, but just know that the guy has a common girl's name and the girl has a common guy's name) that are expecting their first child together. They are so funny and quite frankly I think the guy is super hot. I spent quite a bit of time talking with them and feeling hopeful for the future (theirs and mine) as he excitedly talked about being a father soon. He was so worried about being a parent and talked to me about his worries and fears. Especially that he wouldn't be a good father. I told him that it seems he will be considering that he's even thinking of such things and that he's planning for the arrival. He's very commited to his girlfriend and the impending wee one. *looks at watch and wonders how long it will be until I find a guy who'll be that in love with me*  ha!
I think that perhaps my favorite thing was meeting this guy who was amazing to talk to. I was introduced to him early in the night and didn't really pay too much attention to him. It wasn't until I started talking with him on an otherwise empty patio that I thought "hey this guy is kinda cute". And we had a great conversation. Then I made eyes at him, he made eyes at me and I thought he would actually kiss me. Then came Super Hot Soon to be Dad from earlier. He wanted to smoke. But we both hung around and talked with him. It was nice that Cute Guy stood next to me the entire time. I mean shoulder to shoulder. Nice. Until my best friend came drunkenly spilling out onto the patio with her drama whisking me away and honestly, embarassing me. But they know her and how she is when she gets drunk (which is rare for her too).
After trying to calm her down and sort out that drama I just decided to leave. I was never so glad to climb into my own bed. *sigh* What a night!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The World Needs Your Wisdom...

...That's what my horoscope said.
Fortunate seeing as how I'm a wise fool.
*sigh* Ok, where to begin. Well, on the roller coaster of life, after hitting a wonderful high, I'm now on a descent. Not to be confused with decent. Remember, kids, descents are not decent! (Oh, where is my mind today...).
Ordinarily, with the way things are going this sort of downhill turn of events should be huge. However, it just seems like this is a little dip in the coaster. I won't be lifting off my seat or feeling as if the wind is knocked out of me. Hopefully, that will be a good thing.
There are a few things going on at the moment, some of which I'll delve into and others I'd rather leave out of the mix, for now, as I'm still trying to really pinpoint them or make plans on how to best effectively deal with them. And that means that I like to internalize them and sit with the feeling to come up with the best solution. That doesn't have to make sense to you, gentle reader, just know mama's got this!
Ok, so the issue thats plaguing me the most: separation.
I've been feeling, lately, people pulling away from me. Some vibes feel as if they are slowly moving towards being permanent and others, temporary. I hate the ones that feel permanent. Especially, and specifically, with one of the persons I get the vibe from. But if it is true, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. *shrug* People come in and out of our lives for a reason. No matter the experience (good or bad) we can only hope to learn from their presence. And I've learned alot.
My mind is a-racin'.
I'm still trying to figure out what I'm meant to do with my life. Really. I know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I like to write, I'd love to be published someday. Too, I love music. One thing I really love is to sing. I sing in the shower and in the car and with my friends. All the time. The problem: I can't sing. Haha! Its funny, and maybe a little sad, but its true. *facepalm
I may have excellent organizational skills, can compose/type up a letter/report/document like nobody's business, speak formally to the point you may think I've had years of schooling and/or etitquette classes. One thing is for damn sure, an office life is not for me. Ever again. Period.
I will remain positive that I may accomplish all that I want in life and not let anybody or anything bring me down!
And even though me talking about music isn't really the greatest thing, I gotta do it, man. I've mentioned before that I love Ray LaMontagne. You probably don't know who the hell this is, but if you listen to "Trouble" or "You are the Best Thing" or even "All the Wild Horses" you might think "Oh, I've heard that somewhere before!" Maybe. This guy has been out there for a number of years now. He has three studio releases: Trouble, Til the Sun Turns Black and most recently, Gossip in the Grain. I happen to not only think he's one of the most beautiful men in the world, he's an AMAZING musician, singer/songwriter whatever you prefer to call him, if anything.
He also has a couple of independant releases: One Lonesome Saddle, The Green Demo, Introducing Raycharles LaMontagne and Acre of Land. These are incredibly hard to find. I have all his songs though. I'm a happy girl. I love all three of his major releases, that goes without saying, but I do have to say that some of my absolute favorite songs are from these lesser known albums. This blog will no doubt be peppered with Ray LaMontagne. Here is the first taste, I think. One song that gets me is "I Can Get High". The lyrics for this song are just wonderful. They blow me away everytime.

I think a good accomplishment in my life has been seeing him in concert in Austin in 2008 and getting to meet him. Chatting with him for a while was more than words can explain. He's so down-to-earth and easy to talk to. I loved it. Genius.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Music on a Sunny Tuesday

Ok, so there has been a song that I can't stop listening to lately. I mean its a song that has absolutely moved me. Its called "Momma Sed" by Puscifer. For those not in the know, Puscifer is yet another band fronted by one Mr. Maynard James Keenan. His other, more known, bands are Tool and A Perfect Circle (both of which I absolutely adore).
The first time I heard this song was on the "V is for Vagina" album. It was a mix that was fairly decent and really, the album artwork is...awesome!

Fun for the whole family, eh?

Sweet, eh? So, anyway, it didn't really move me. It wasn't until I heard the live version on the "C is for (Please insert sophomoric genitalia reference here)" - yes, that's really the name of the album- that I fell in love with this song. It was soft and slow and melodic. I could really hear the lyrics and it made sense. It was just a wonderfully written song that sounds so downtrodden or maybe melancholy but once you really pay attention to the lyrics its quite positive and is about moving on.

No, your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed a roll of toilet paper with a thought bubble that says: "LOL!"
Sheer genius!

I think what really sealed the deal was when I saw Puscifer live in Phoenix, AZ in December. Hearing that song live was absolutely amazing. Words couldn't describe the atmosphere in the room at that moment. The eerie quietness of the audience and just the music filling the venue. Amazing. I think I almost cried. That song and "The Humbling River" live were just touching. Mostly the other songs are..silly to say the least but still entertaining. However, he really does strike a chord when he writes so honestly and from the heart. And I hear he makes good wine! Hmm, shamelessly promoting the this the written equivalent of going down on him??? I jest!  Anyway so I managed to find both versions of "Momma Sed" on YouTube and will post them

This first video is the version that is fairly, "meh" to me. Don't get me wrong, its still kinda awesome.

This second one is the live version. Just so freakin' wonderful!
I'm done blowing him now. Ha!
But as I've mentioned before I love music and when I find something that evokes an emotional response, its 20 shades of exciting.

Friday, March 5, 2010

"Didn't you watch Boys in the Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot!"

Happy Friday! Wait, it is Friday, right? Hmm, I've officially been out sick from work (per doctor's orders) for so long now I've lost track of time...already! And then I say 'Happy Friday' and then someone reads this on, say, a Saturday or Sunday or what have you and they are thinking "Sheese, what an idiot, its (insert current day of the week at that time)!" And then I say 'Yeah, well, you know what?? You, sir/madam, are the idiot! It was what I believe to be Friday when I posted so bite your tongue Mr./Ms.!!!'
So now that I've gotten my random, psychotic intro out of the way...
What is on my agenda for this loverly Friday? It is a beautiful day here today, btw. Its cool-ish, cloudy and grey...albeit a bit humid so my hair is...yeah...
Well today finds me with my hand deep in a bowl of Almonds (raw and unsalted--I hate salt with a passion), curled up on the couch, net book in my lap and a stack of DVDs at my side. The DVDs are in the order in which I want to watch them. Most of them are girl movies, which, normally I don't care for, but I'm in that kinda mood. All I need is a bottle of wine. A sweet wine. Anyway, back to movies...
They are as follows:
1. Vicky Christina Barcelona
2. The Holiday
3. Zach and Miri Make a Porno
4. Casablanca
5. Groundhog Day
6. Paranormal Activity
7. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
And currently playing: Swingers!!!!
Aren't they so money?
I can't even begin to explain how awesome I think this movie is...ok, I'll try.
Usually this is my "I've just broken up with someone" movie. I watch it and cry and wonder if men really do have feelings like women and as portrayed in the movie. Or is Jon Favreau the only one?
But I digress...
I love the opening scene where Mr. Favreau and a very super-uber sexy Ron Livingston are in the diner. I have found that what "Rob" (as played by Mr. Livingston") says, "Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget", is absolutely true. Then I cry a little harder and pray to forget so whoever can come back and I can be whole and happy again. Isn't it amazing what delusions heartbreak can create?
Here's what really happens*:
Week 1:
Watch Swingers almost nonstop
Eat chocolate (like I don't shovel it in by the truck load already)
Wish, hope, pray that Ex Lover will come crawling back and realize that I'm the perfect girl
Journal about said person about all the good things and good times

Week 2:
Repeat Week 1
Journal about how Ex Lover and I each deserve to be happy even if its not with eachother
Have horrible dreams about Ex Lover
Increase chocolate consumption
Sit alone in dark kitchen eating cereal out of the box sans milk of any kind

Week 3:
Repeat Week 1
Repeat Week 2
Journal about how I hate Ex Lover so damn much and all Ex Lover ever did was bring misery and pain into my life. Ex Lover is a damn liar and deserves nothing but heartache and emptiness forever.
Venture out in public- dressed to impress- and count how many people who resemble Ex Lover check me out/hit on me
Cry just a little more
Make a mix of songs that remind me of Ex Lover

Week 4:
Wake up happy and "over it"
Go about my usual life
Hang out with friends again who have all but forgotten my name and what I look like
Forget about Ex Lover

Week 5 (or beyond):
Receive random text/email/phone call from Ex Lover

Ok, well I guess I've gotten off the subject here...
So Swingers is awesome! It is on my list of favorite movies EVER!
I just really like how I can relate to Jon Favreau's character. Although, I think most of us can. And I'm rambling... Remind me not to watch movies and blog at the same time! (Ha!)
Its funny, helps me put things into prospective while still allowing me to take my mind off things. There, I said it.
And sometimes I don't need to be heartbroken to watch it. Like today, I'm just in the mood for it!
Well, this ramble has gone on long enough! Instead of talking about my other choices I'll cut this short for now! Anyway I'm nom nom nom-ing on some yummy salad!

*Extreme exaggeration, here

Side note: The title of this entry is a line from Swingers. That particular scene was playing whilst I was thinking of a title...

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Daily Double!

Ok, so this is hardly Jeopardy! But that's the most I could come up with! So, And this isn't exactly what I wanted to start with when I decided to begin talking about music. For one I'm a HUGE Ray LaMontagne fan. Seriously. His music has been a big part of my life for a few years now. I remember the first time I heard "Trouble"...I was floored.
Alas, that is not what I wanted to talk about with this post. No, that psycho in depth post will have to wait for another time.
Now, again, I'm a strange girl with (surprise!) a strange taste in I've been told. I grew being around family and friends who all had pretty much different tastes in music that have influenced me for life. My taste varies from Chopin to Simon and Garfunkel to Iron Butterfly to Barry Manilow to The Cure to Ray LaMontagne to Alison Krauss to Distrubed. I mean I pretty much listen to all types of music. With perhaps the exception of most rap, hip-hop and religious music.
And for the most part, lately I've been keeping things light playing Matt Nathanson, Missy Higgins, Matt Duke..stuff like that.
And I guess I should say that what draws me to a particular artist or song isn't just about sound. For me, it really has to be alot more. I need good lyrics (although I've been known to like stuff with stupid/cheesy lyrics) and a sense of being able to relate in some way to the song. Or it just strikes me in someway. Eh, I don't know how to describe it really and who the hell are you to judge me?? I jest!
So that brings me to the WHOLE reason I wanted to post again today. I came across this song by this band, Dommin. I haven't heard any other of their songs, therefore I cannot say that I do/don't like this band. However, I really do like this song: "My Heart, Your Hands". Of course the lyrics I thoroughly enjoy are "How can I trust you with my heart in your hands, losing your grip". Nice! And perhaps, again, I just really like the damn song! At the end of the day, that's all that matters!!

I'm Heartbroken and a Fool...with Good Dreams

I never thought I'd say this, but when the hell is Spring getting here? I'm hoping with a new season comes a feeling of new beginning or a chance for a fresh start. Time for "Spring cleaning", I guess.

So, yeah, that means I'm still hurting...alot. Always just trying to make sense of things. Keep replaying his and my words over and over again. I just wonder sometimes if its something I did or said or didn't say or do. Unless he's just an asshole in disguise. Or maybe, not. Talking with one of my friends the other day, I came up with the very real possibility that this guy is young (well, slightly younger than me, both in our 20s) and he may be smart and mature, but he still has to grow up. One thing I've come to learn with life is that when things get bad (because, hey, well all go through some tough shit!) you can take time for yourself to sort things out, but you never push your friends away. Well, not if they actually mean something to you. And if really, all he needed was time to sort his problems out, that's all he needed to say instead of the way he went about things. Another friend of mine thinks that he will contact me again in the future and that hopefully I'll be passed all this crap because I deserve so much better, in love and in friendship. I think so too.

I have a headache.

These last two weeks being sick has been horrible. Really.

However, I had a strange dream last night. *ok, here is where I back up and explain myself* Those who know me, know I am, for lack of a better description, a strange girl. And when I dream, you are damn skippy right they are strange. I also have prophetic dreams. A lot of the time, my dreams will actually come true-- or at least a part of them. I can dream about a person and will actually meet them in the future. Just don't call me psychic. I don't believe myself to be nor do I really believe in them. And I'm not saying that this dream will actually come true (haha). So, yeah...that's my story...back to the dream *side note: I suck at re-telling my dreams... (insert evil laugh)

The dream took place in a metropolitan-ish area. The sun was setting behind tall buildings and signs of night-life were begining to populate the streets. I was walking down a crowded avenue with a group of people some of whom I didn't know and others were "familiar strangers". I didn't recognize their faces but I did get vibes that I knew them. We were all dressed nicely and on our way to a restaurant for a birthday get-together. One of the gentlemen accompanying us began a conversation with me. He was tall, with brown hair and soft brown eyes. He had light, creamy skin and a great smile. He was british, his voice deep but gentle. I felt nervous as he moved to walk beside me but the instant he began to speak I felt a sudden rush of calm and was totally at ease. The conversation flowed easily and effortlessly, we spent the walk laughing and having a good time. We all arrived at this tiny Italian restaurant and he held the tall, heavy wooden door open for us to enter. I was the last to pass through and as I did, he grabbed me with his free hand and pulled me into him and gave me a deep kiss. I felt so overcome with passion as his warm lips found mine and pressed against them hard. He looked deep into my eyes and I had to quickly look away from the intensity. We all stood together waiting to be seated and he and I kept exchanging shy glances at eachother. Finally, at the table, he ordered a bottle of wine for everyone and looked at me and announced to everyone that there was "much to celebrate". The rest of the evening was full of laughter, great conversation and good times. The birthday girl was glowing and excited. I just remember feeling something I haven't felt in such a long time: belonging, happiness, love, togetherness, warmth and friendship. Despite being sick, I woke up in a good mood and a smile on my face.

Maybe that's the whole purpose of that dream to be filled with hope. Especially at this time when I felt so hopeless and lost. When confusion has taken over me and replaced beauty with darkness and emptiness. I take that dream and the smile it put on my face and will try to move forward in a positive manner and take care of me now. I can't mourn and grieve forever...

And with that should be the end of this entry, right? Well, no! Mwahahaha I still have a little bit more to say. I've been thinking alot lately and with everything: my job, my friends, my family, my life in general, I really think I'm going to make a giant leap for "me" kind and get the fuck outta dodge! Mama needs a change of scenery. I've been thinking of moving west. Northwest, southwest, west. I guess this is my "manifest destiny"...or maybe not. I just want to assert my need for independence and/or growth. And meeting new people and experiencing new things just might be good for me! We'll see!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Let me let go

Today has been one of those days where I constantly feel on the verge of tears. One of those days that reminds me that I am still a mess. There has been a tightening in my chest and a feeling of emptiness in my heart.
I don't know why I'm having a hard time letting go and moving on. Sometimes I just don't know why people act the way they do. I thought that perhaps I was getting better at choosing who I let into my heart and give my trust too. It still amazes me that even friends can leave me brokenhearted.
I hope time will heal all. I know I'm doing my best day by day to move my life back on the right path and get myself back to where I need/should be. We all come across detours now and again so I know that this too shall pass. This one is just taking longer than all the others. Its not a fun journey, but a necessary one.
It always makes me wonder how everyone deals with heartache and heartbreak and pain.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Where to begin...

Well, I think for a long time I've needed a way to get things out. I am, for the most part, an observer. I take time to really see things, or try to anyway. Sometimes I can pick up on things that others don't or can't. I don't know what that means but that's just how I see myself. And while I am an "observer", I am, unfortunately, not much of a "sharer". Now, what does that mean? I will share my food, my time...anything I have...with the exception of me (for lack of a better word). As a person I tend to be rather closed off. This recently has made me feel like I'm disconnected with the surrounding world. I know that I am. So now I've decided to be more open and talk about things that are swimming around in my head. Through "sharing" more I hope to I guess I don't know how best to describe this. But then again, that's kinda the point of all this, eh? I hope others will want to take the time to get to know me as I do them. I just want to make this journey called life interesting.

However, I have a feeling that this blog will mostly be about music. Music plays such an major role in my life. I have many memories, people, and feelings associated with music. A song can play on the radio that can make me think of someone I hadn't thought about in years or recall a long forgotten memory or even just evoke a certain emotion.

And also, I love food. I did, at one time, study to become a chef. I, once upon a time, was the most passionate about creating something that could nourish others. I took pride in creating something that others could enjoy. It is my belief that a sense of satisfaction should come from the flavor and quality of the food, not just how much of it you can shovel down your throat. Every bite should be savored and last even if you only have two forkfuls. A full belly should come from a full heart.
But maybe that is the point of it all...savoring everything you bring into your life. And if, in any way, it does not bring happiness or enjoyment then it shouldn't be there.