This morning I awoke fully rested for the first time in almost a week. The last few days with Sweetness was pretty intense as were our conversations. We'd start the evening with talks about us, but next thing we knew, we were laughing and making jokes and just having the greatest time ever. Although there's still a great amount of uncertainty, its still feels a great weight has been lifted.
Hell, I myself am still just a little all over the place. But the one thing that keeps popping into my head was something so incredibly simple that he said.
"I just want you"
It pretty much came from nowhere. I've always thought that I wanted someone to need me, but since he said that, I don't know, I've been thinking about it. Its kind of like out of all the options that are in front of him, the one he keeps coming back to is...me. And looking back, his struggles have been about just that. He said he wanted to "keep his options open" by dating other people and staying out of relationships. But he kept wondering how and trying to find ways to keep me in his life. He never wanted me to leave, go away, or be taken away. He later said something to the effect of that he wonders now if he wasn't just wanting to keep the option of dating out of stubborn-ness. Who knows. Nothing's really been decided yet. Although I like that he's making future plans with me again.
And I can't get over the way he says "I love you".
I'm used to us saying it between us as we've been friends for awhile (You know, one of those quick "love ya" types). The other night he kept softly repeating it... "I love you. I love you. God, I love you. So much, I love you."
He kept on for a bit, each time putting more and more emphasis on "love" and then on "you". Then "I reallylove you". It was insane. I've never heard him speak so soft and sweet and sincere before.
Just gotta keep my head on straight for now, though.
I love him too...
I don't know why, but I'm in a sensual state lately. Well, I guess I shouldn't say I don't know why. I've been taking a look at myself and who I am and what makes me. I've been delving into myself in sections. And alot of the time, I do feel like a sensual person, I just don't readily express it. And, well, music is my favorite form of expression. Maybe this week, (aside from usual chatter) I'll feature songs that (to me) are sensual, sexy, or lustful.
Such a task cannot be accomplished without including Robin Thicke. In my opinion, this man is the epitome of all things sensual, sexy and lustful. And, of course, I could not choose just one song...
Oh today has been soooooo very interesting! I love it...well, except the heat. It was incredibly, unbearably hot today. When faced with having to be outside, I could feel the beads of sweat beginning to gather at the nape of my neck and slowly trickle down passed my shoulders, follwing the trail of my spine to their final resting place that is the small of my back....and this all occurred within 5 minutes!! Checking the mail has never been so sensual!
Annnnnd today I received a text from Sweetness as he awoke to get ready for work. I think it was the longest message I've ever gotten...
Basically he said that he believes we are very connected and have something special. He mentioned several times that he loves me. He thinks we should be happy and live for right now with what we feel for eachother. And although his last relationship was devastating and as a result wanted to never put anyone else before him, he realized I am so amazing and wonderful that he can't have anyone else get in the way of us.
This was after a convo last night saying that he felt for all we've been through, we were closer and that there was more of an "us" than ever before. Also that we are "more serious".
I can't predict the future but I'm happy to go with the flow for right now. It kinda feels very "When Harry Met Sally". We've been friends for a while and never thought anything other than friendship would ever bloom. And its been a struggle. OBVIOUSLY! We'll see what happens from here.
I couldn't decide which version of the song I'd like to post, so I put them both. I really love the acoustic version though!
Normally I'm not a big YouTube person. I didn't start using it heavily until I started this blog. So now I explore it on a regular basis and was very pleased to find the most amazing version of one of my favorite songs.
Ok, so I've been staring at the screen trying to find out where to begin.
And THEN I fell asleep with my 'puter in my lap and had this little dream about these two people (a man and a woman) chasing someone through some sewer tunnels trying to take from him this serum from his coat pocket. They cornered him and when he took out one syringe full of the serum to inject himself, the woman lunged at him and instead the needle bent and wound up puncturing her arm as she tried to grab him. She pulled back, a look of horror on her now pale-white face. She knew she was tainted by this evil concoction and began to change into this huge, hideous worm-like creature. While she lay there in her newly transformed body, sobbing loudly, her male partner who is now filled with an unspeakable rage kills the man they were chasing and then drops to the side of the worm-woman to sob with her and grieve for the impending loss. He knew he had to kill her.
And I woke up.
I'm so beyond exhausted from getting only like two hours of sleep last night. Sweetness wound up texting me pretty late (or early, depending how you look at it). He wanted to inform me that he responded to my email. I pulled myself out of bed, filled with curiosity. I read and re-read the email so many times unable to believe what he was saying and admittedly some of it didn't really make sense.
Basically he misunderstood what I was meaning in my email. He took so much of it out of context and turned it into something so nasty that he felt attacked and was hurt. I finally had to text him back and asked to talk to explain. I did just that and he began to see things from my perspective and then let me know how things were on his side.
We know we each just want whats best for eachother and for us both to be happy no matter what. While he loves me, he doesn't want to get in the way of anything good happening for me. We settled everything, mostly. There are just a couple more things to iron the wrinkles out of.
We've both concluded that neither of us are in a position to date anybody (eachother included). I want/need to work on myself and he, him. Its done,we're ok.
Good. I'm exhausted.
First, I would like to thank one of my readers for taking the time to give some much needed (and very much appreciated) advice.
Second, I just wanna note how odd it is to write about a situation that is so current/ongoing. I guess with Mr. X I was used to writing about all that had already happened instead of what just happened and what might happen. And too, I don't know how he'd feel about me blogging about our "business". Its all anon so I hope thats ok. This is the best place for me to vent or unload my mind instead of going back to him a million times over with the same thing.
Which brings me to my current state. I let Sweetness know that I would email him some of my feelings and concerns. I was so tired of sitting on things/issues and wanted them out in the open for us to discuss and conclude upon. He sent me a text that he did receive and read my email but needed time to respond so as to gather his thoughts. And he said he was thinking alot about me.
That's a little scary. Its almost exactly what Mr. X said so long ago when we were on the (at the time unknown to me) brink of departing.
So, I've been preparing myself for a new separation from yet another best friend with whom things have gotten too complicated. I don't even know if that's right to expect the worst. To expect that he would just leave me. But it just feels like the most logical conclusion. If that's how it goes, it will hurt. A lot. But at the same time, I still just want us both to be happy. Even if that means moving on from eachother. I don't know. My mind is in a strange place where its blank and all over the place at the same time. We'll see how it turns out.
Thank you to all who've lent support and words to me in this super crazy time! I'm always appreciative of my readers and commentors. :)
So, I'm supposed to have a date with a friend of a friend some time within the next week. He lives a couple hours away from me, but supposedly is pretty interested in seeing what happens with me. Its a nice feeling.
However, I unloaded onto Sweetness when I didn't intend to.. I was telling him about the impending date and blarrrrrgh it all came out. I don't know. All he had to say was "I love you". I told him for sure how I felt. So, at least one way or another, I have confirmation. I don't need to hope or wonder anymore.
It hurts, but that'll take time to go away and honestly I've been crying a little here and there.
Well, today has been...interesting.
Its Sweetness's birthday (which apparently he doesn't like to celebrate). We started having a great convo this morning. Then...his ex sent him a birthday text. Aaaaand all his pain came back. I hated knowing he was/is in pain. I hate seeing any of my friends like that, but this time is different. It made me sad that he's allowing her to always have some sort of control over him. Because by allowing what he went through, what she put him through, to make him decide to never have a relationship again or put himself in a position where he "could" be hurt again is allowing her to continue to dominate his life. And as "happy" as he is that they are no longer together, he's still holding onto that heartache. He won't let go because he feels that he needs it as a reminder that HE is the only person he has. He won't leave himself therefore he won't hurt himself. Its sad that he's making that decision.
And even though I've decided to look for someone who actually wants to be with me, I do have to admit that it makes me sad and even hurts a little that he'll never truly realize what could be with me. He just would never be able to trust that I wouldn't hurt him. Or, well, to even take that chance. I know I wouldn't hurt him. I've never hurt anyone...to my knowledge. I've always been the one dumped, cheated on, lead on... I know what it feels like. I don't want to do it to someone else. I'm all about love, always. Its hard to gain my trust and even harder to win my heart, but once it happens, its almost as sure as "death and taxes". I'm always willing to try and work hard. But I can't make anyone love me or want me.
All I can do is just be there for him. I don't expect anyone to understand, but I do love him and even feel sometimes that he's the one, but if he's making that kind of decision, I don't want to be left standing out in the cold.
I think I'm going to take some time now to work on myself. I need to figure out exactly what I want out of life so that I may get out there to get it.
I know I want to feel special. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I'm the only woman my partner needs. I don't want to be one of many options. I want to be the one for someone. And I know he/she is out there.
This morning was great. Got in a good jog/walk before the heat took over the day. My knees have been aching like crazy these last couple of days but I think I may just be pushing myself too hard. Anyway...
This evening was a family function...good times. I still (and will always) feel awkward around them.
After that wrapped up, I met up with a friend of mine and her hubby. They were in town for the weekend and she asked to get together before they left. At first I thought, 'Oh, hey cool! I get to catch up!'
Well, no. It turned out it was some sort of covert operation for them to get me to meet some guy she's been wanting to set me up with for awhile. She was always saying I needed to met Mr. Q (as I so choose to call him here). Mr. Q and I would hit it off wonderfully as we have sooooo much in common (rolls eyes). It just never happened til tonight.
I walked into the ice cream shoppe, rather dressed up from my family dinner. Nothing too fancy, sun dress, strappy sandals, "soft" make-up...the "its summer and hot outside so I'll get prettied up only to the point where I'll still look decent if I melt" look. I'm gonna admit I was pretty shocked to see a third person sitting with them. Mrs. A just looked at me with a big grin, like, "yeah I just did that". I size up Mr. Q. He's cute-ish. He looks like he totally walked out of a Gap commercial or something. I don't know. I don't judge (or try not to). We're introduced. He stood, smiled, held out his hand, said "Hi" and pulled out my chair for me. We order, I catch up a bit with Mr. and Mrs.A and then start chatting up Mr. Q. Something about him felt all wrong. I knew he wasn't someone I'd like to go out on a date with. He hardly seemed interested in anything about me. Completely dominated the conversation, even speaking over my attempts at input/contributing. I started to tune him out. That really RARELY happens. I love listening. I like being able so see (well, hear) how people's minds work. But, alas, my ears decided they needed a breather. I was happy to finally be able to make an escape.
Later, I sent a text to Mrs. A saying it was wonderful to catch up and even threw in that it was nice meeting her friend...
She replied by asking what I thought about Mr. Q. I had to be honest. I told her that he just wasn't my type.
Her response: Oh ok! Well, then I wasn't sure I should tell you this, but if you aren't interested... He said that you just aren't attractive enough for him to consider asking out on a date.
I may not have been into him, but that still stung a little. Well, I guess can't blame him, I mean, after all he didn't even want to feel up my brain. Its no wonder all he had to go on was outward appearances...
NEXT!!! This bitch don't have time for all that...
At least my ice cream was great
Ahh so its been kind of a crazy week.
For me, personally, things are ok. No major drama to speak of for once.
For my friends, however, its a different story. For one friend in particular its the same story...again and again and again. I've been trying to be there for her as much as I can but, I guess I can only give the same advice so many times.
But I hate seeing my friends hurt. Its like I'd rather be the one hurting than see them have any pain. :/
Eh, I guess we all need our own learning experiences otherwise we'd never grow.
We'll see what happens...
Gotta love my entry title... it was only a matter of time before I made a Cure reference...
Sooo to wrap up a most perfect day (although totally hellish heat ridden) I like to wind down with a little known musician named Matt Duke. I love his voice, his writing style and his adorable face. He's got that cute baby face type thing going on and oh how it works for me. Alot.
The first song is called "Kingdom Underground". I think he said that song was inspired by the book "Paradise Lost". For me, its an infectious kind of song. The second is called "Sex and Reruns". Its got a pretty good beat and well, with a title like that...sounds like a Saturday night...or not. That song is part of my workout mix.
Ugh, its been a long day. I'm kinda drained. I had planned out what I would blog about tonight, but alas, it has escaped my mind. I completely forgot. So I'll post my favorite songs by Elton John. I think I read once that he doesn't like to spend more than a few minutes writing any song. If that's true, he's beyond amazing. I mean he doesn't really have any bad songs. I love him. I regret missing his show in Vegas. I really love the first video. I think this was at the beginning Robert Downey Jr.'s "comeback". He did an amazing job with this video. He seemed so incredibly vulnerable and open. I love it.
So today has been kinda...eh. I woke up this morning with a reminder alert on my phone that today is Mr. X's birthday. I guess that's the only thing of him I forgot to erase. Then I just started feeling kinda down. Its definitely not because I miss him or anything. Because, really, I DO NOT! I guess I just don't want to be used again like that. I say 'used' because basically that's what he did. I was some sort of "filler" between his relationships. When we met he was just getting out of a bad one. We clicked, became instant friends and we were talking alllllll the time. You know, the preliminary getting to know someone, the "Oh you are sooo new and interesting" phase. Then he seemingly changed over night. Thinking back on it, there was never a gradual change like their usually is when you settle into a friendship/relationship.So I'm thinking it was about that time that he probably met her. And THEN we had this nice vacation together...well nice except for the fact that he kept throwing around phrases like "I'm SO glad I'm single" and "I'm happy not to be in a relationship" and "I'm not looking to be with anybody". Yeah, that crap. All this said after flirting with and hitting on me. Really. Well, during our entire friendship he flirted with and hit on me (He even brought it up once). Just during the trip we took, it seemed like he really put it on max. That did send up some red flags. Finally there was a couple of odd and uncomfortable weeks where occassionally we would chat. He even text me randomly once just because he'd been "thinking about me alot". And then finally he gave me the goodbye speech. In text, no less. I called him and he rejected my call only to text me a bit later saying he needed time to be alone because he'd been going through alot. *rolls eyes* Is that really how you treat someone whom you supposedly considered to be an important part of your life??
And I grieved over the loss of my "best friend". I hurt. I cried. I ached.
Come to find out a couple months later that he had been dating someone. He said he and I had feelings for eachother but he didn't want to take it any further with me since he wasn't ready, but secretly (to me anyway) he was dating somebody. And that's when it hit me. He used me.
I was just so infuriated. I cried these incredibly hot tears that felt like they alone could melt the sun. I'll never know why he didn't want to just tell me. I knew that what he was trying to tell me on our vacation was that he just didn't want to be with ME. He was just too much of an immature coward to come out and say it.
I don't want to be used again. I don't want to be a "filler". I don't want to be a "rebound".
Since we both like the same band, this is my birthday gift to Mr. X. Happy Birthday, Douchebag.
So, after a small break, I am returned to bring more music to my blog. Tonight, Maroon 5. I looooves them. Adam Levine has quite an amazing and unique voice. Not bad for "mainstream". I couldn't really narrow it down to my usual two videos... Enjoy
This is something I've been working on for a while. Its sat in my "Drafts" folder while I kept adding and taking away from it. Something tells me its the right time to post this. I'm almost pretty sure My Sweetness doesn't read my blog anymore. If he does, I sure hope he'll tell me. None of this is new to him so...
Dear "Fry", I love you. You say that you love me. We each want what's best for the other. We've started something. We've ended it. We've decided to let things be. We've been back and forth on what we are and what could be. You say you are too damaged for a "relationship". You could never put trust in another person like you did with her because you don't want anybody (even me) to hurt you the way she has. You say that you aren't as strong as I am. I don't think that I'm strong. I come with baggage too. But I don't compare you to anybody. I don't assume you'll be like Mr. X. When you say "I love you", I believe it. I trust it. I know it. I do it because I don't want to be the only person I trust. I do it because you've seen me at my worst, and I, you. We've pulled eachother out of the depths of hell. Yes, there is alotofhurt and pain out there. But there is also love and warmth and happiness. In order to truly find it, you have to let go and open yourself to the possibility. ALL of the possibilities. I believe that to really loveyou must be willing to hurt. And that's just who I am. I don't expect you to change. Its ok if you don't. I know that you will never wake up one morning and confirm your thought that I could be "the one". I never expect you to say again that I'm someone you could see yourself marrying. Its not gonna happen. But am I unhappy? No. Do I still want to be here? Yes. I've been close to leaving before. I just wanted to turn and walk away from you. From everything. All I was looking at was the bad. I felt like you didn't need me. I felt that maybe I was expecting those things from you. Maybe I was expecting you to want to be with me. I felt that I was holding you back and you didn't want that for us. You shouldn't limit yourself. You should "explore your options". I felt like leaving because when you said you don't think you could ever be in a relationship again, that you were just saying you just didn't want a relationship with me. I was allowing my past to interfere with my future. Especially since this happened after you thought we should try to have a relationship. But when I thought about not having you in my life, that idea hurt more than anything you could do/say. How is that? Well, if I walked away, I would never know what might've happened. I would rather throw caution to the wind and maybe we could have the greatest life together or maybe you hurt me. Maybe I hurt you (although I never want to). The truth is we just don't know. And I want to find out. We also promised to ALWAYS be a part of eachother's lives. I don't want to hurt you like that, by breaking a promise. Maybe you will heal from your heartache. Maybe you freaked out about us that one night because maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe you'll meet someone who will make you want to love with wreckless abandon. Someone who will make you either forget or just not care about what happened in the past. As much as I wish I could be that person for you, maybe I'm not. I don't know. Sometimes I think that when someone is the absolute most perfect person for you, you know. Just know. No matter where you are, what's happened to you. You know. I could be wrong. It could be different for everybody. But its not going to stop me from loving you the way that I do, as much as I do. You will always have my support 100%. You will always, at least, be my (best) friend, even if I can never be your love.
Speaking in terms of musical presentation in my blog, of course...
I want to continue to share more of what I'm listening to, who moves/inspires me musically.
I've been listening to Matt Nathanson for a few years now. I really love his lyrics, especially when writing about love/longing/desire. I can't quite put my finger on what exactly it is....
Ahh so for me, these last couple of days has been...wonderful. Things are calm and I've been happy. I'm not stressing about anything. Last night was amazing. Went out to hang with some friends and it was beyond the greatest time ever. Lots of laughs, lots of love, lots of vodka. What more could a girl ask for?? Oh! Lots of food afterwards at our fave 24 hour diner. LOVED IT!!!
Tonight makes for round #2. I'm blogging as I'm waiting for my buddy to pick me up. That's right folks, I DO NOT drink and drive. Period. Please, a round of applause for designated drivers! Not that I'm going to get fall-on-my-ass drunk or anything, just like to be safe. In the words of Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman: "I'm a safety girl".
Here is one of my favorite "Girls Night Out" songs. Although, technically I'm not in a relationship, it still works :)
After my last post, I've been having trouble thinking of something to blog about. I have felt so much better just letting go of everything from my past relationships. I know with my current situation we do have our ups and downs and at times we are both scared of what this is and where its going. Maybe it shouldn't be like that, but aside from it all, for me anyway, there is still something about it that feels so right.
I have been thinking so much about everything, lately. My past, my present and what it means for my future. I know I'll never be able to sleep unless I get it all out now.
Sometimes I wish I could be stronger.
Sometimes I wish I could forget.
Sometimes I wish I never knew.
Sometimes I wish I never saw your smile.
Sometimes I wish I never trusted you.
Sometimes I wish I never was there for you.
Sometimes I wish I never looked.
Sometimes I wish I never gave you so much of me.
Sometimes I wish I could have been everything you wanted.
Despite everything, I can never give up on love.
I can never close myself off to the world or to life.
I can always wish that there is someone who'll love me as much and as fiercely as I love them.
I have hope that there is someone who wants me, all of me, and will take me as I am: scars, tears, sorrow.
Take the bad with the good.
Let me cry. Let me laugh. Let me scream.
Let me be who I am and never want to change me.
I don't need to believe that I am beautiful; just honestly love me because my heart, my soul, my mind is beautiful.
Find me irreplaceable.
Be lost without me.
Have patience with me.
Long for me.
Love me, care for me, be there for me not because I deserve it but because you want to be.
There is someone out there who'll love, respect and be thankful for all that I am and all that I give.
I know. I believe. I have faith
Tonight's post will be about A Fine Frenzy. She's both cute and beautiful with this amazing ability to write songs about how I've felt. I don't think any other musician has been able to just make me cry out of nowhere while listening to a song. I've been moved before, just not moved to tears. I'm even at a loss for words. I only hope that one day I can form words in such a way with my writing! She has inspired me greatly. The first song I will post is the one that makes me cry (I'm just now realizing its because it fits EXACTLY what's currently going on in my life). The second is my favorite song and the one that first introduced me to her music.
Day 3: I'm sticking with the female theme here. Today is Janet Jackson. My love for her goes back to childhood. Her music has definitely evolved over the years, but she's always put out quality songs. She's one of the few artists who can achieve a nice mix of love, passion, lust, strength and a little "See what happens when you mess with me". I love it.
So as to continue with my week of music, I want to share two of my absolute favorite Amy Winehouse songs. Its still surreal to me that she's no longer here to grace us with her amazing and never-to-be-matched-again talent. No matter the cause of her death, its still deeply saddening that she and I were the same age. I felt old before but now, I look at her and think 'Wow, she was so young'. It made me realize that I, too, am young. I have my whole life ahead of me yet and it can be taken as quickly as it was given. Live a life that's proactive, not reactive, right? There are many lessons to be learned here. I hope her situation can be a wake-up call to others. Help is ALWAYS available.
I now hop off my soap box and end the PSA to share my two favorite songs. These are not just lyrical genius, but so well sung and with such passion and intensity that even if you can't relate, you still feel it.
*as a general disclaimer, I do not own the rights to these songs or any previous or future posts.
Ok, sooo I'm taking a break (gasp) from talking about the mess that is my life. I know, I know, crazy! I'm just trying to preserve my sanity and I really wanna make it work (or see if it works).
Instead this week, I think I'll talk about music. I does play a HUGE part of my life. Maybe I'll make it a more regular thing to include music in the blog. I'm thinking a theme week here. Probably female musicians that I simply cannot get enough of!
Adele is an AMAZING artist whose talent is endless. She's got lots of soul and knows how to bring it with every song she sings. Its crazy that she suffers from stage fright! You'd never really guess. Love, love, love her! These are my two favorite songs. Rolling in the Deep from her album "21" and her cover of "Make You Feel My Love"