I just have to post another video from Bob Schneider. I've been listening to him like crazy! He's delicious and all kinds of talented. Someday when I see him perform again...I WILL meet him...oh yes, I will meet him...
Well, I know I've been "silent" lately. I actually have a lot going on. Though there are plenty of nights where I feel like banging my head on the wall and I thank Lady Max for helping restore my sanity/common sense/calmness during this private-for-now matter. I think listening to the sweetness in her voice, alone, helps a great deal.
So, besides work and such, I've been reading again. I bought a few books MONTHS ago that have gone untouched 'til now. Unfortunately with one, I started reading it only to find it was not as interesting as I initially thought it would be.
I've tried writing again, but alas, remained blocked. Ideas easily come only to flit away just the same.
I have been watching movies that make me laugh. A lot. So far 1) Office Space 2) Swingers --of course 3) Going the Distance... OK so all of these movies have Ron Livingston in them, I just realized. He is gorgeous though...very. I still have a thing for Adrien Brody the most. I don't know what that is...the aqualine nose, the scrawny yet masculine frame, the soft voice, the goofy expressions that say 'Hey, I'm human'. I'm workin' on figuring that out.
And then I've been thinking about my relationship history. I just want to finally bring it all out and deal with it and move the f*ck on. If you can, bear with me as I start this journey of self-healing through re-discovery. As mentioned, I've always been quite appreciative of all the wonderful support and feedback from the readers that remain :)
I was 18. He was 19. I thought he was so incredibly wonderful and he thought I was adorable and funny. It was the first time I had felt like I "connected" with someone. We had so much in common and, well, when you're young, the first time you "love" someone, you think the world is just beginning. The first few months were amazing. We laughed, we talked, we saw movies together, walked through bookstores together, and watched The Simpsons together over the phone. When we met, he had just gotten over his ex whom he caught sleeping with his roommate. We went away for a weekend to celebrate Valentine's day late (he was working and I was in college). After we checked-in to our hotel and got settled in our room, he pulled out a heart-shaped Ring Pop, got down on one knee and proposed to me. After saying 'yes', he kissed me and told me that he would give me the real ring I deserved when he could afford to. I said I didn't care about that. We cuddled in bed and talked of our future. He asked if we could start a family right away. He was looking forward to having children with me. We both hoped they were fiery red-heads like him. That night he became the first person I gave myself to. It was a big deal for me.
About a month or so later, he stopped coming around and calling as much. When we talked, he seemed distant, tired, depressed and just like he was having a hard time. He started working two jobs and didn't have much time...apparently to the point where he just disappeared without warning. I called and called never to get a response and after about a week and a half, I realized there was no finding him again.
OK, not so dramatically, I did find him again a few years later while dating the guy I started dating after him, through the magic of Myspace. I sent him a message basically saying: "Hi, remember me?"
He responded with a longer message apologizing for what he did. Supposedly he fell on really hard times, the kind where even working two jobs still wasn't keeping him on his feet. I became friends with the girl he was dating then (later, she would become his wife). She didn't know he and I were exes, and one day she began opening up to me about problems they were having, she was worried because he extensively cheated on every girl he dated. When they started seeing each other, he apparently gave her a break-down of his past. She even described his and my relationship and the sordid details of his affairs...which he had slept with someone before AND after proposing to me. Yup, my first 'love' didn't really love me. Even though it hurt to find that out, I was happy I moved on.
You tend to stick to difficult relationship situations for far longer than is actually necessary. The celestial configuration is helping you to understand just how soul-destroying it can be to hang on when every aspect of your being is urging you to move on and get out. You need to develop a little more compassion for yourself and give yourself a chance to change when and if necessary.
I had a dream about Sweetness. In my dream, he called me up. I was confused about why he would call so I answered and he just started yelling at me. I don't even remember about what anymore. I was just so taken aback and dumbfounded. I listened for what felt like eternity never getting to respond.
Then I woke up.
I guess its just funny because in reality I was the one yelling (OK, not yelling but speaking with force) at him for what he did.
At least work wasn't too bad. There's always at least one person who is able to make everyone laugh. I'm glad i had that.
Well, I nodded off a bit ago and just now awoke. I was actually curled up on my couch- all comfy cozy, planning to blog about my day... But I guess it wasn't that important after all.
What is important to me is the dream I just awoke from. In my dream, I was crying the way I do when I'm not just sad/upset, but stressed. I was rubbing my forehead with one hand while dabbing my eyes with a tissue in the other. Out of nowhere I feel a hand upon my shoulder. I look up and standing beside me is Buddy. I twist in my seat to face him. He's wearing his baggy-ish jeans with a rip just above the knee and a white, crew neck tee. The tee is just like him...not too loose, not tight, but fitted enough to see the shape of his well-defined muscles. He's smiling at me, but its not the smile I expect to see. Buddy's usual smile was kinda big, and powerful and at times had a sort of mischievous undertone. While still powerful, this smile seemed softer and gentler. I wished I could hear his voice again. I stared at him, waiting for him to speak but all he did was lean down, kiss my forehead before turning to walk away. Then I woke up...sobbing. I guess I was sobbing in my sleep, the cushion was pretty soaked. I still miss him so much. All I've been doing since is thinking about him. I miss his warmth and protection. I miss his laugh and most importantly I miss his love. He only told me "I love you" once shortly before he passed but somehow I always felt and knew it. One of our last conversations was about the fact that he did have regrets in his life- one being that he wished he said it to me more.
But, no matter what I am so grateful and happy that he was a part of my life. He meant so much to me. Always will.
I know I'll never be able to say "Thank you" enough to everyone who has offered such amazing and appreciated support for what I was going through. I feel blessed to have found such wonderful people here
Its another day.
Ugh, its still supposed to be "Winter", right? I hate when its mild because then the allergens creep into the air prematurely and next thing I know I'm laying out the welcome mat for stuffy nose, itchy eyes, dry mouth, sore throat... I know right now I feel as if I might get a migraine. There's A LOT of sinus pressure that's lasted pretty much all day. Made for fun times at work. Fun fun times. Maybe I need a change of scenery...
I'm exhausted! But happy to be sleeping regularly again. Proof that there is an upside to everything, even if I don't feel it...yet.
OK, so New Year's Eve was mostly fun. I loved spending time with some of my friends. And it seems that for one night everyone considers you family. I got so many hugs and kisses from people I just met or hadn't really talked to. At the bar I wound up in, it wasn't crowded and people weren't stupid/crazy/blubbery/violent drunk. Its like even if you turned the lights off, everyone's faces would still light up the room from the wondrous glow at the optimism of a new year.
And then New Years day I was struck with a bombshell. But its done and I'm doing the best I can to move forward.
Did I ever mention I have a crush on Tori Amos? This video brings two of my crushes together Tori and Adrien Brody.