Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone has a very happy and filling Thanksgving!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Is He Really 'Forever My Friend, Forever My Love'?

Ok, well, Sweetness and I have remained "friends". I put added the quotation marks because, well, its like we're still in a relationship. We still spend alot of time together. He's even mentioned that he sees me as "more than a friend". He still calls me Love and "my love" and says I love you. And I don't think its to take advantage of me and how much I love him. I think its that he actually does feel the way he says about me. He still gets VERY emotional at times when we talk. I know the sound of him when he's been crying. He gets like that often when we talk. During one of his emotional breakdowns he even mentioned that he still thinks about us and me and what he's missing out on by not being able to be in a relationship.

I suggested to him that he's depressed. He said if finally hit him that he is. He's been trying to work through it and heal. Who knows.

I just know that I'm not letting him effect what I need to do for myself. But he's still an amazing support system for me and I for him. He's cried with me when I broke down about what I have going on in other areas of my life. He's text me randomly during the day that he's worried about me. He's tried to cheer me up and do/say things that he knows will make me laugh. He's been amazing lately and admittedly more like himself than he was when we were together. That does make me happy for him.

The one weird thing is how he gets when I talk about Buddy. Its like he feels that he can't live up to the ghost, the memory of Buddy. That's just not true. Its like he has to compete with him or that I don't love him as much as I love/d Buddy. Again, not true. Its just awkward. Its like Sweetness doesn't feel like he's good enough for me. I said to him once: Its not what kind of/how much baggage we have, its how we deal with it. So, if he feels he isn't good enough for me, he's not. Ya know? I guess like self-fulfilling prophecy. But then again, the only person he should feel good enough for is himself.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

My Buddy, My Angel?

I don't know how to quite describe what happened today. I went about my usual business, because life does go on, right? I met a friend for lunch at our fave Mexican restaurant which I have been craving for some time. Things were going well, she and I were playing catch up, talking, laughing, me forgetting about all I've been going through. A new group of people come into the restaurant and are being led by the hostess to a table a few feet from us. Two girls and one guy. The two women, I notice as they walked by, very pretty women and nicely dressed. When the guy walked by, I almost passed out. And since I didn't actually pass out, I wanted to break down. He looked exactly like Buddy. And I don't mean "similar", but EXACTLY. I mean, logically, I know it isn't him because he passed away about a year and a half ago, but it was so heart breaking to see. He saw me glance at him and he was polite about it, he looked at me and smiled. That almost killed me. Same fucking smile.
I know I didn't get to talk about him much here. In a way, I guess I didn't want to ever put him behind me for fear of forgetting him. I still do miss him so much. He was like my protector, he was there for me no matter what and he loved me - although he didn't say "I love you" until just before he passed.
We were talking about taking our friendship to another level and then he got sick. Well, more like he found out he was sick and then from there it was just about him trying to decide whether or not he wanted treatment. At first, he didn't and when he decided to fight it was too late. He wanted to fight for himself and for us.
We talked a lot towards the end. It was like he was preparing for his departure. He made peace with things that he did and didn't get to do and we made peace with each other.
Seeing that man in the restaurant today brought all those memories back. The real kicker was that these people were seated in front of a flat screen showing college of the teams playing was Buddy's Alma Mater.
I held it together long enough to get through lunch. After leaving, I tried to run the rest of my errands, but I couldn't stand it. It didn't help that two of his favorite songs randomly played on my ipod. I came home, crawled into bed and stared out the window. I cried for him again. I wondered what life would be like if he lived. I know life can't be lived on 'What ifs', I just couldn't help it.
Maybe all these things were his way of telling me it would all be OK. What if that was his way of still protecting me. I don't know.
I miss him.

Friday, November 4, 2011