Friday, December 30, 2011

Tick, tick, tick...countdown of life

Ha! I've been sitting here staring at the screen for about 10 minutes hoping for the words to come.
I guess with the end of the year upon us, I've been thinking about everything and taking it all in.
Its crazy that the majority of it has been about Sweetness.
I think about him so much.
And, yes, I still love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. See? I am crazy. I was so sure that life would be spent with him- at each other's side. I don't know. And its weird that I was so completely happy with him. And, God, what was it about us...I mean, why were things to difficult? Why did we try so hard to stay in each other's lives. What was it that kept wanting to pull us back together?
I just wish that he had felt that I was the one as much and as strongly as I felt/feel that about him.  ugh. I don't know.

I don't even know what the year ahead holds for me. Tomorrow night will be bittersweet, but I will be there none-the-less waiting for the arrival of a new year and let time continue on as it must.

I might actually make resolutions.
I would like to keep on eating as healthily as I have been.
I would LOVE to get more jogging in.
There's a small minor surgery I've been putting off that I think I should finally have.
I want to travel. Mama needs her a vacation.
I would like to keep doing a good job at work.

I think that's pretty much all I can realistically set for myself for now. I'm hoping to add to this list as the new year progresses. 

Mad World

Thursday, December 29, 2011

"I'm Built to Break"

Love this man. He is Bob Schneider, based in Austin, Texas. I saw him (again) recently...he winked at me. Melted my heart...and lady parts. This is Honeypot. I love the lyric "I'm not built to last, I'm built to break and that's OK."

He also has a blog found here

As the end draws near

I guess I'm still dealing with everything as best i can. I try to have more good days than bad, but the bad/horrible do creep in.
I don't know. 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Wishing you a Wham!-tastic Holidays

Not sure that I will be able to post tomorrow. Holidays are such a crazy time of year. But in the even that I cannot, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. Happy Hanukkah to those who are Jewish. And no matter who you are, Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I Come Undone

Currently pretty obsessed  in love with this song

Sunday, December 18, 2011


I'm still having a hard time.
Granted, I do have good days but the bad days so far outnumber the good.
I'm wondering if what makes it harder is that the whole timeline is similar to what happened with Douchey.
I mean even as we (Sweetness and I) had been friends for a long time, feelings and such came to light in Summer and then went down hill in Fall and ended in Winter. I hate the similarities, except I was really in love with Sweetness and saw more of a future with him than with Douchey. Probably because Douchey and I were only ever just friends. We didn't have a relationship...or "Try" as Sweetness had put it.
And I've been questioning what I'm even expecting in the future. I'm not sure I'd even consider "getting out there" again. I just don't like dating. That was a problem between Sweetness and I. He knows eventually he wants to other women again and I can't date around. I've never been the type to date more than one person at a time. Its just a personal preference because I think it increases the likelihood of someone getting hurt and I would hate to be in a situation where I'd have to "choose" between people. I don't know, that's how I see it. And he doesn't ever want to be in a relationship again...or so he says. I still have a feeling it was another "I just don't want to be with you" kinda things. I have no idea.
I've gone out a few times to be with "friends". I had a problem with a couple of friends which I'll blog about at a later date, though it was a thoroughly disappointing situation to be in..twice. And I had fun. But inevitably my thoughts turned to Sweetness.
I just want to be OK again. Its just tough having been so incredibly close to someone and to have it fall apart.
I hate being a mess

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I don't know what to say.

Well, thank you to all who have been there for me during that whole ordeal with Sweetness.

I just have so much stress in just about every aspect of my life that its just finally taken its toll on me. I shut down for a few days and just let myself cry and cry and try to get it all out of my system so that hopefully soon I can get up, put on my strong face and keep moving forward. That day isn't today though.

I think I just want this year to be done with already. I'd gladly skip over Christmas this year, too.

I had this stupid dream about Douchey. He was just standing in front of me, laughing. 
I don't know. I think I just dreamed of him since its been two years since our trip together and how quickly it all went downhill. Thinking back on it now, I realize all the signs and red flags that I should have paid attention to. I'm just happy he's no longer in my life. 

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I really need someone to turn to right now. :(