Sunday, December 18, 2011


I'm still having a hard time.
Granted, I do have good days but the bad days so far outnumber the good.
I'm wondering if what makes it harder is that the whole timeline is similar to what happened with Douchey.
I mean even as we (Sweetness and I) had been friends for a long time, feelings and such came to light in Summer and then went down hill in Fall and ended in Winter. I hate the similarities, except I was really in love with Sweetness and saw more of a future with him than with Douchey. Probably because Douchey and I were only ever just friends. We didn't have a relationship...or "Try" as Sweetness had put it.
And I've been questioning what I'm even expecting in the future. I'm not sure I'd even consider "getting out there" again. I just don't like dating. That was a problem between Sweetness and I. He knows eventually he wants to other women again and I can't date around. I've never been the type to date more than one person at a time. Its just a personal preference because I think it increases the likelihood of someone getting hurt and I would hate to be in a situation where I'd have to "choose" between people. I don't know, that's how I see it. And he doesn't ever want to be in a relationship again...or so he says. I still have a feeling it was another "I just don't want to be with you" kinda things. I have no idea.
I've gone out a few times to be with "friends". I had a problem with a couple of friends which I'll blog about at a later date, though it was a thoroughly disappointing situation to be in..twice. And I had fun. But inevitably my thoughts turned to Sweetness.
I just want to be OK again. Its just tough having been so incredibly close to someone and to have it fall apart.
I hate being a mess


max xavier said...

"I just want to be OK again. Its just tough having been so incredibly close to someone and to have it fall apart.
I hate being a mess"

Tough is an understatement. I completely understand your feelings about not wanting to get out there. I really want to tell you not to do it. Once you manage to connect with someone else, and it doesnt work out, it just hurts that much worse. But the truth is, its going to hurt until it doesnt hurt anymore, and closing yourself off from other people isn't going to make it any easier.Believe me. It hurts either way. The only thing to do is to keep moving forward, and hope for the best. Even when all you want to do is crawl under your bedcovers and hide from the world.
And it isn't you. Its him. There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is how he feels about himself, and what he thinks he wants. That isnt a reflection of you. Its a reflection of how bad he's messed up. I know it doesnt make it feel better, but it is the truth.
I really wish I could tell you that it all stops hurting at some point.Unfortunately, I dont know that it does. Im still trying to find that point. But I promise if I get there before you, Ill show you the way.

The Bipolar Diva said...

Oh Velvet, I hate it too. It's so scary. My psych told me today that she thinks I'm afraid of real intimacy because I'm afraid of being hurt again. I think it's true. I am afraid. When things begin to fall apart it seems everything is triggered for us. When that happened with my husband the other day I freaked. I'm still afraid. I want things better for you. I want you to be happy. I wish I could make it all ok.

Trixie Racer said...

"I hate being a mess" -- This last blog seems much more stable than most. You have been getting better. You are seeing clearly. I am proud of you for moving forward. It gets easier with time. *hug*