Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Letter for Today

Dear Today,

Why were you so long? Thanks for the sunshine though, I loved it.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Lightning and Chopin

Tonight is another beautiful night that began with a cool breeze and a lightning storm in the nighttime sky. It has now grown into a full downpour. I love it. I had just decided to relax with a glass of wine and my Classical music mix- starting with my favorite Chopin piece.

Today was a great day. I spent most of it talking to Sweetness. He was laid up in bed on his day off from work. He played basketball with a friend yesterday and overworked his legs. He said he wound up getting a pretty bad charlie horse and woke up rather sore. He said he was so happy to be laying there talking to me, wishing I was next to him. He apologized again for everything that happened. This morning I actually woke up to find an email from him, apparently sent after the consumption of almost a whole bottle of wine with his dinner. In it he said that he needed to tell me just how in love with me he is and that he realizes now that he needs me. He can't live without me now, even if he wanted to. It was incredibly endearing and I really could tell he was a little drunk. Even inebriated, at least he was considerate enough to email me instead of sending a text. My full-night's sleep thanks him.

Then we got on the topic of moving in together. We're still making plans for it- we need to both be financially ready, not just emotionally/mentally. Especially since apparently he plans on being with me for a "looooooong time" (his words). He laughed at the fact that I am the only woman he's ever wanted to live with . He lived with one of his exes before (they were together for 7 years), but they were somewhat forced into it. And with his last girlfriend, he turned down the offer of them living together. For a while now, he's been wanting to live with me. To him, it just felt/feels right to have me close. I like that.

Now, I'm just trying to get everything else in my life straightened out so that he and I can start a life together to see where it goes.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

"Everyone Knows How This Old Story Goes"

The kid is serious about me, but he still has issues.
So, all day and last night I was agonizing over not talking to him. I thought if I could just make it through to tonight, I'll call/text him then to see if he wants to finally talk. I figured if he hadn't broken down yet and text/called me, then he's not having as hard of a time as I am and maybe this space is good for him.

Yeah, turns out not so much.
Sweetness sent me a text letting it allllll out. And it wasn't pretty...He couldn't even call me because he was too "emotional". At first, I honestly thought that was an excuse. Admittedly, I went back to Mr. X and how he just rejected my call and sent me to voicemail where didn't have to deal with me. But when I finally got him to call me, I could tell he was emotional. So, he was upset about my reaction the other day. And he thought that I was doing to him what every other woman has - left him. He thought that's what I was doing by giving him space. I explained my side, how I saw things and he explained his. I think we both cried (nobody knows who he is so I don't think its emasculating to mention that...). We went through just about every emotion. Yeah, over what seemed like such a small incident. I had to remind him that I'm NOT his ex-girlfriend so he shouldn't assume that I'm going to be like her. That clicked with him and he apologized for it and for everything. He said he knows I'm not. I'm so much better than that. Our love is nothing like what they had. I think he said something to the effect that with her all he did was give, give, give. And our relationship isn't like that at all. He may have cried a little more...
And I realized that I'm still having trouble letting him be there for me. I mean thats why I got irritated at his joke to begin with. It was at a time when I was dealing with what I have going on and I knew he didn't know that but I felt like I couldn't turn to him because he was at work. He realized that too. And by the time I was ready to talk to him, after all the days events happened and I thought about it and processed it he was already so upset and closed off, I just couldn't talk to him then.
We both just have to be more patient with the other and if we want this relationship to work out, we have to help eachother work through our issues.
He made a statement about how up until this point everything was so easy and it shouldn't be hard. And I told him that of course there are going to be good days and bad days. We are going to have hiccups. Especially in the beginning, especially after all he had been through. It would just be silly to think everything about us would be easy. He felt stupid for even thinking walking away, leaving me, was an option.
We talked for about 3 hours. The conversation just got increasingly better and better. And even though he said he loved me several times during our conversation, he finally said it the way that I love, that makes me melt. So softly and sweetly like it was his first time saying it. AND he used a word he normally doesn't. Never. He said: "I will never get sick of anything about you".
We'll see.
Until then we're still learning about each other in the context of a relationship. We need to know boundaries, issues, hang-ups, and hurdles that need to be dealt with and deal with them like rational adults. Or at least try to.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Yeah...great start to my week...

Well, I don't have anyone to talk to about it, so here I am.
Yesterday, Sweetness made a joke that I thought was in bad taste. Normally I don't care, I'll blow it off and laugh about it anyway. But it happened at an inopportune time. I don't know if I blew things out of porportion or if my reaction was wrong. I basically let him know I didn't like what he did and then just told him to have a nice day. So that evening he asked if I was OK and if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I said there wasn't and he said ok. I thought that was that. He kept giving me one word answers so I told him if HE needed to talk I was there. He said he didn't want to. This morning was the same thing. He was being so short with me. Finally I told him to be out with it. He said it was him and that I shouldn't worry about it. I said I wouldn't push him to tell me, but I am here if he changes his mind. He said: "I already decided I wasn't going to talk to you about it. I'm going to have an amazing day. I suggest you do the same."
That hurt me alot. So I told him I'm going to leave him alone for a few days and if he needs me, he knows where to find me. I have a feeling he's going to break up with me. I don't know why. I just feel it.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Finding Where I Fit in the Pouring Rain

Earlier in the evening, I had the opportunity to sit and watch the most wonderous lightning storm. The smell of rain was heavy in the air and a wickedly strong, yet sweet wind blew with an incredible force. It was exactly what I needed tonight. After the day I had, I needed this calm before the storm. And even as the storm came, there was still much catharsis in the pouring of the cold rain on my skin.

Then, as I was going through some old CD mixes I made a long time ago, I found this song and can't believe I ever forgot it. I LOVED this song something crazy. I still do.

OH! And I had a dream about Mr. X (formerly Douchey..still). I don't remember too much detail. I know that I was doing some daily mundane task and there he was standing next to me. He had his half-smile, wearing his grey hoodie with black skulls on it. As I was working, he was talking to me. He kept on about how our friendship had meant so much to him and blah blah blah... I don't remember all of what he said, just that I started feeling overwhelmingly bothered by his presence. Not because I was busy, but because it was him. Had anybody else been standing there, I would've been fine talking and getting shit done. I couldn't even stand to look at him without wanting to roll my eyes and yell at him to leave. I was happy to wake up.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Telepath or Still My Original Blog Stalker?

I swear not even two minutes after publishing my post last night, Sweetness text me. Either he really sensed I needed him or he is (still) reading my blog and just not telling me. Ass.
He asked if I was still awake and then asked if I wanted to talk on the phone for a bit since he had time before dinner with his family. He spent his days off from work this week with them.
I told him that I didn't want to interrupt his time he should be spending with his family since he doesn't see them too often..especially his father. All he responded was, "OK. I love you."
Reading "I love you." made me wanna hear his voice so bad. I missed him terribly. So I told him I changed my mind about talking. A few minutes passed and...Nada. I figured he was upset so I dozed off. Apparently he just left his phone charging in one room whilst hanging out in another. When he finally read my texts, the last of which said, "OK. Well, I love you too. Enjoy your dinner" He thought something bad had happened. I don't know if it was because of me or not, but he wound up staying awake all night. I, myself, had slept for a bit then did laundry in the middle of the night. THAT stressed.
So mid-morning he text me to ask if everything was OK and to apologize for leaving me hanging basically. I assured him things were OK. He said that he figured that I just didn't want to talk. I had to correct. I told him that it wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him, it was that I didn't want to interrupt time he should spend with his family. I may not be big on my family but I'm never one to get in the way of other's. He responded:
"Aww babe! Why? I know you're considerate...but, ugh =( I wouldn't have asked..."

He had asked before that if he could call but I didn't see it and thus didn't respond to it so then he took that to mean I just didn't want to talk...again.

"We'll just talk later I guess"
"K. Enjoy your day" (Not really understanding what he meant at first)
"I hope you're OK. Sure. You too."
"If you want to talk I'm available whenever you are." (after realizing...)

I barely hit send and his call came in. I answered and he sounded tired. I felt bad. Until I heard him softly and sweetly say, "Baby, I love you sooooooo much". We talked for a bit and he made me laugh, feel safe and warm and was everything I needed last night.
And then it hit me and I told him. Its not that he's not there for me, or even that I'm not aware he is, its just that I'm not used to having that. I need to learn to let him be there. I'm used to wanting the other person to be there while just being independent and dealing on my own.
This relationship is so very different, not just for him. Me too. Me too.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

If Only I Could Wrap Me In My Arms

I realize I complain. A whole lot.
Well, lately I have some heavy stuff going on. It seems Sweetness is there but still keeping a distance. When all I want is for him to say "I love you" just a little more and be a wonderous and much needed distraction, he just wants me to focus on my issue. That's truly stressful for me. I kinda figured he would do that so I hesitated even filling him in on what was going on. If he's serious about me, I wish he could be available emotionally when he can't physically hold me and tell me everything will be OK.
I don't know. Maybe that's just a female expectation of males.

I guess I'm just left to do what I normally would do: Internalize, analyze, hypothesize, rationalize, theorize...and pig out-ize. Hey, it had to flow...

Or maybe its way too early in this relationship to expect my boyfriend to be that open to/for me. I know he had his own thing going on, but still...

Eh, I'm just exhausted.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Its official!!!

So my day started out good. The not-so-good I'm choosing to leave out. I'd like to focus on what made me feel great and is getting me through this time.

I love when I get texts from Sweetness. There were a couple of concerns that needed ironing out and we accomplished this. Then, in true Sweetness fashion...

Sweetness: Thank you for putting me at ease
Me: Always. Come to me when you need to, NO hesitations
Sweetness: There's one tiny little thing
Me: Ok.
Sweetness: Promise you won't get mad?
Me: I'll try not to. I hate making promises like that.
Sweetness: Baby. Please. Promise??
Me: Grr...fine.
Sweetness: Be my girl...officially? :)
Me (pissed, but surprised and happy): Of course!! Jerk.

And then the rest of the convo was just being happy that I am his girlfriend and he is my boyfriend. Hmm...typing that out for the first time is...I don't have words for it. Exciting. Happy. Strange.
I mean, that last word...I never expected us to get to this point and it seems like such a major step for us. He said that he felt great about us, but was also scared. I said that I think that was just a part of beginning any relationship and he said that he has never been scared before. I don't know what to think of that. But then he went on to say that he was happy to have the best relationship of his life and...

Sweetness: For the first time I'm in love with someone who's good for me.

That really just made my day. For me, I just feel that for the first time, I'm in love with someone who is in love with me back. I honestly feel that he truly is in love with me. He's done nothing but prove it to me over and over again.
I'm amused at how we've gone about being in a relationship all "wrong"... first we decide we should live together, then we realize we're in love and NOW we're boyfriend/girlfriend?? I guess whatever works!!
Now, if everything else goes well, I'll be a completely happy crazy girl.

Friday, September 9, 2011

100 Posts of Crazy Overrun by Wildfire and Wild Love

Its been one hell of a week. I did take some time away to rest and do other things that have been so badly neglected (i.e. Sleep, Live, paint my toes a pretty and summery color). And I caught up on all the news of the many, many, many wildfires that have all but taken over Texas. Um, when the hell is the rain going to get here already?? Thoughts and prayers go out to all that have been affected by this and the other weather-related tragedies around the country.
I thought maybe I'd do something awesome for my 100th blog post, but alas, was unable to figure something out. It'll be just like any other post...full of the craziness that is me.
So things are still really great with Sweetness. He made my Labor Day...alot less laborious. I spent the day with family doing family things. We spent most of the time texting back and forth. I don't exactly recall what lead to it but part of our exchange went a little something like this:

Sweetness: Baby! We're in love! :)
Me: (thinking he was joking) Haha Nahhh!!!
Sweetness: I'm in love with you.

I forget my response, but he then asked if he could interrupt for a bit so we could talk on the phone. So he called me (family be dammed) and...

Sweetness: I'm in love with you (in his incredibly sexy voice). I wanted to say it and wanted you to hear it straight from my mouth.
Me: (through possibly the biggest grin I've ever been able to create) I'm in love with you too.

We chatted for a bit before I could no longer keep my family waiting. And since then things have been wonderful. We've been talking about living together. Not tomorrow or anything, but definitely in the near future. He wants to wake up with me next to him and I want to fall asleep in his arms.  Guess it would work out then... Eh, we'll see. I've been trying to think of a good song to correlate with this post. There are sooo many choices but I might have to go with a song that I was reminded of when Sweetness said "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me." And Ray LaMontagne it is as he has a song is exactly that...

This version of the song makes me tingly all over. So amazing. So so so amazing.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Forever My...Dancing Partner

Ok. I was planning on taking the day off from blogging just because I've been so tired lately and was hoping to rest today.
Of course nothing goes as planned!
Last night after posting here, while waiting for my friend to pick me up, I recieved a text from Sweetness. He was out with a couple of his buddies. He wanted to call me, so I said he could. We talked for maybe five minutes. He basically said he wanted to connect with me and we caught up on eachother's day. Cute. I loved it.
I went out, I had fun, I came home beyond exhausted. I dropped into bed and was out for a bit. When I awoke I had 2 texts from Sweetness. He was asking how I was doing and then asked if I was there (because I didn't respond). Usually he won't press, he'll just say "Ok, baby, sweet dreams". So the second text was a bit worrisome. Since it had only been an hour since he sent them, I responded. He replied that he couldn't sleep. I thought it was another caffeine binge he went on that kept him awake. But I told him if he wanted to talk, I was available. He didn't respond until around 7am. Instead of his usual "Good morning!" text, he just said, "I'm sorry for interrupting your night." Thats when I knew something was up. The rest basically went like this:

Me: are you ok?
Sweetness: Yes n no
Me: whats up?
Sweetness: I feel like I'm missing you.
 Me: What do you mean?
Sweetness: I feel like a part of me (you) is missing.

That really made me feel...confused, excited, many things at once.
He said that he was out with his friends having such a great time but when he saw this couple dancing he felt like he wanted someone to dance with.

Sweetness: Only I knew only one person I wanted to be my dancing partner. You. I'm falling in love with you.

I sat there stunned for what felt like forever. But I told him that he already knew how I felt. It hasn't changed. I just asked if this was what he wanted. He assured me it was. We chatted for a bit longer until he realized the time and knew he needed to be getting ready for work. 

Sweetness: Will you be my dancing partner?
Me: Yes...even if you step on my toes sometimes, it'd be worth it just to be in your arms.
Sweetness: I think we shall dance perfectly togeher. We already do.

So, yeah... That really happened. I feel weird for sharing such a personal exchange but I didn't know how else to explain what happened or why I'm so excited by it. Over the moon excited. At this point I had stopped expecting anything other than our friendship to continue. I'm happy to see what happens. I'm still at a loss for words...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Short and Sweet

Despite being so incredibly exhausted, I'm still soooo ready to go out again tonight! Leaving quite soon so, this is a quickie.

A quick quickie as that's pretty much all I have to say at the moment!

Oh, I am nearing my 100th blog post. I wonder if I should do something "special"...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Get Up and Dance

As promised here is the second post of the night. When I'm feeling particularly stressed or need to unwind, I like to play music with a beat that'll get me moving. Next thing I know, I'm so into dancing around like a blissful fool, that I've forgotten (even if only temporarily) what I was so worried about.
I've noticed lately that alot of those whose blog(s) I follow have mentioned being so tense or something of that nature. I've been there alot as of late, too.
So, come on! Shake it! Don't worry if anyone is watching and if they are, who cares what they think!?


Have a good night, people! I know I will as I'm off to have mountainous fun with another girls' night out! Drinks and Dancing!

Look Out Weekend...

Ok ok ok. This is going to be one of two posts tonight. The reasoning behind this is there are two songs I want to share. I wanted to end my week with another mood-inducing song. Then since it seems everyone has been stressed, wound up, tense, or just has alot going on, I would love to pass along something to lighten the mood...ideally.
For me, yeah, this week has been super crazy. A roller coaster -up and down. Sweetness and I are still doing ok. Lots of late nights talking, laughing and living. I've never felt closer to someone and he's kinda implied the same. I've never been happier running on such a small amount of sleep.
Ahhh ok, so back to the task at hand...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I Hope to Dream of an "Earthly Goddess"

I'm sooooooo relaxed right now. Its been a while since I've not felt so...tense or stressed. Its nice! Didn't want to drift off to the land of dreams until I posted a song. I'm stubborn like that.

Driving Miss Sexy

Today turned out absolutely perfect! Sweetness and I had a "hiccup" last night but finally sorted through it and had an amazing evening! We'll see what tomorrow holds!

Ok, so tonight's video is a song I LOVE from one of my favorite bands, Deftones, featuring another of my absolute favorite artists, Mr. Maynard James Keenan (of Tool, A Perfect Circle, Puscifer) called "Passenger". The jury is still out as to whether or not this song really is about sex in a car, but I find it sexy for the sound of Chino's and Maynard's voices.