Friday, December 30, 2011

Tick, tick, tick...countdown of life

Ha! I've been sitting here staring at the screen for about 10 minutes hoping for the words to come.
I guess with the end of the year upon us, I've been thinking about everything and taking it all in.
Its crazy that the majority of it has been about Sweetness.
I think about him so much.
And, yes, I still love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. See? I am crazy. I was so sure that life would be spent with him- at each other's side. I don't know. And its weird that I was so completely happy with him. And, God, what was it about us...I mean, why were things to difficult? Why did we try so hard to stay in each other's lives. What was it that kept wanting to pull us back together?
I just wish that he had felt that I was the one as much and as strongly as I felt/feel that about him.  ugh. I don't know.

I don't even know what the year ahead holds for me. Tomorrow night will be bittersweet, but I will be there none-the-less waiting for the arrival of a new year and let time continue on as it must.

I might actually make resolutions.
I would like to keep on eating as healthily as I have been.
I would LOVE to get more jogging in.
There's a small minor surgery I've been putting off that I think I should finally have.
I want to travel. Mama needs her a vacation.
I would like to keep doing a good job at work.

I think that's pretty much all I can realistically set for myself for now. I'm hoping to add to this list as the new year progresses. 

Mad World

Thursday, December 29, 2011

"I'm Built to Break"

Love this man. He is Bob Schneider, based in Austin, Texas. I saw him (again) recently...he winked at me. Melted my heart...and lady parts. This is Honeypot. I love the lyric "I'm not built to last, I'm built to break and that's OK."

He also has a blog found here

As the end draws near

I guess I'm still dealing with everything as best i can. I try to have more good days than bad, but the bad/horrible do creep in.
I don't know. 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Wishing you a Wham!-tastic Holidays

Not sure that I will be able to post tomorrow. Holidays are such a crazy time of year. But in the even that I cannot, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate. Happy Hanukkah to those who are Jewish. And no matter who you are, Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I Come Undone

Currently pretty obsessed  in love with this song

Sunday, December 18, 2011


I'm still having a hard time.
Granted, I do have good days but the bad days so far outnumber the good.
I'm wondering if what makes it harder is that the whole timeline is similar to what happened with Douchey.
I mean even as we (Sweetness and I) had been friends for a long time, feelings and such came to light in Summer and then went down hill in Fall and ended in Winter. I hate the similarities, except I was really in love with Sweetness and saw more of a future with him than with Douchey. Probably because Douchey and I were only ever just friends. We didn't have a relationship...or "Try" as Sweetness had put it.
And I've been questioning what I'm even expecting in the future. I'm not sure I'd even consider "getting out there" again. I just don't like dating. That was a problem between Sweetness and I. He knows eventually he wants to other women again and I can't date around. I've never been the type to date more than one person at a time. Its just a personal preference because I think it increases the likelihood of someone getting hurt and I would hate to be in a situation where I'd have to "choose" between people. I don't know, that's how I see it. And he doesn't ever want to be in a relationship again...or so he says. I still have a feeling it was another "I just don't want to be with you" kinda things. I have no idea.
I've gone out a few times to be with "friends". I had a problem with a couple of friends which I'll blog about at a later date, though it was a thoroughly disappointing situation to be in..twice. And I had fun. But inevitably my thoughts turned to Sweetness.
I just want to be OK again. Its just tough having been so incredibly close to someone and to have it fall apart.
I hate being a mess

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I don't know what to say.

Well, thank you to all who have been there for me during that whole ordeal with Sweetness.

I just have so much stress in just about every aspect of my life that its just finally taken its toll on me. I shut down for a few days and just let myself cry and cry and try to get it all out of my system so that hopefully soon I can get up, put on my strong face and keep moving forward. That day isn't today though.

I think I just want this year to be done with already. I'd gladly skip over Christmas this year, too.

I had this stupid dream about Douchey. He was just standing in front of me, laughing. 
I don't know. I think I just dreamed of him since its been two years since our trip together and how quickly it all went downhill. Thinking back on it now, I realize all the signs and red flags that I should have paid attention to. I'm just happy he's no longer in my life. 

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I really need someone to turn to right now. :(

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope everyone has a very happy and filling Thanksgving!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Is He Really 'Forever My Friend, Forever My Love'?

Ok, well, Sweetness and I have remained "friends". I put added the quotation marks because, well, its like we're still in a relationship. We still spend alot of time together. He's even mentioned that he sees me as "more than a friend". He still calls me Love and "my love" and says I love you. And I don't think its to take advantage of me and how much I love him. I think its that he actually does feel the way he says about me. He still gets VERY emotional at times when we talk. I know the sound of him when he's been crying. He gets like that often when we talk. During one of his emotional breakdowns he even mentioned that he still thinks about us and me and what he's missing out on by not being able to be in a relationship.

I suggested to him that he's depressed. He said if finally hit him that he is. He's been trying to work through it and heal. Who knows.

I just know that I'm not letting him effect what I need to do for myself. But he's still an amazing support system for me and I for him. He's cried with me when I broke down about what I have going on in other areas of my life. He's text me randomly during the day that he's worried about me. He's tried to cheer me up and do/say things that he knows will make me laugh. He's been amazing lately and admittedly more like himself than he was when we were together. That does make me happy for him.

The one weird thing is how he gets when I talk about Buddy. Its like he feels that he can't live up to the ghost, the memory of Buddy. That's just not true. Its like he has to compete with him or that I don't love him as much as I love/d Buddy. Again, not true. Its just awkward. Its like Sweetness doesn't feel like he's good enough for me. I said to him once: Its not what kind of/how much baggage we have, its how we deal with it. So, if he feels he isn't good enough for me, he's not. Ya know? I guess like self-fulfilling prophecy. But then again, the only person he should feel good enough for is himself.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

My Buddy, My Angel?

I don't know how to quite describe what happened today. I went about my usual business, because life does go on, right? I met a friend for lunch at our fave Mexican restaurant which I have been craving for some time. Things were going well, she and I were playing catch up, talking, laughing, me forgetting about all I've been going through. A new group of people come into the restaurant and are being led by the hostess to a table a few feet from us. Two girls and one guy. The two women, I notice as they walked by, very pretty women and nicely dressed. When the guy walked by, I almost passed out. And since I didn't actually pass out, I wanted to break down. He looked exactly like Buddy. And I don't mean "similar", but EXACTLY. I mean, logically, I know it isn't him because he passed away about a year and a half ago, but it was so heart breaking to see. He saw me glance at him and he was polite about it, he looked at me and smiled. That almost killed me. Same fucking smile.
I know I didn't get to talk about him much here. In a way, I guess I didn't want to ever put him behind me for fear of forgetting him. I still do miss him so much. He was like my protector, he was there for me no matter what and he loved me - although he didn't say "I love you" until just before he passed.
We were talking about taking our friendship to another level and then he got sick. Well, more like he found out he was sick and then from there it was just about him trying to decide whether or not he wanted treatment. At first, he didn't and when he decided to fight it was too late. He wanted to fight for himself and for us.
We talked a lot towards the end. It was like he was preparing for his departure. He made peace with things that he did and didn't get to do and we made peace with each other.
Seeing that man in the restaurant today brought all those memories back. The real kicker was that these people were seated in front of a flat screen showing college of the teams playing was Buddy's Alma Mater.
I held it together long enough to get through lunch. After leaving, I tried to run the rest of my errands, but I couldn't stand it. It didn't help that two of his favorite songs randomly played on my ipod. I came home, crawled into bed and stared out the window. I cried for him again. I wondered what life would be like if he lived. I know life can't be lived on 'What ifs', I just couldn't help it.
Maybe all these things were his way of telling me it would all be OK. What if that was his way of still protecting me. I don't know.
I miss him.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Things Get Worse....

Before they get better. I'm hoping that's the case. Left and right parts of my life just keep falling apart. Its starting to take its toll. I've been really trying to stay positive but its getting harder. And I definitely want to deal with things, but with so much going on, its difficult to decide which to deal with first. I know the last thing I need to deal with is Sweetness breaking up with me. That's been put on the back burner since other problems involve more than just me. But it is a major adjustment. When something happens, I pick up the phone, but then I remember I can't go running to him anymore. That kinda makes me feel alone and ache alllll over again.
I'm hoping that with Halloween tomorrow, I can just take a night to relax and enjoy the fun and excitement the night brings.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Back to Square One

Well, we had a long break-up. At least it was the longest break-up I've ever had. My other relationships ended when the guys stopped talking to me...pretty much after a week of not hearing from them I realized it was over.
With Sweetness, we spent a lot of time talking and crying. Yes, we both cried. I'm thinking for different reasons. Mine being, well, because I'm heartbroken. Him, probably because he's still feeling "fucked up". He kept apologizing for everything. I eventually had to tell him to stop since it wasn't exactly helping the situation. I've cried since then, but honestly, not as much as I thought I would. I mean, I know I felt it coming but, I was really in love with him so I thought it would be harder. *shrug* I don't know. Maybe I'm just too tired to grieve.
He said that he just didn't see our relationship working out. He feels that its all him because of how messed up he is still. He thinks I'm amazing. He doesn't know exactly what happened. He said in the beginning he was really happy. Probably the most happy he'd ever been but then something just stopped making him happy. He started getting anxiety over us and didn't trust the relationship. BUT he still loves me. Eh. I just know he wasn't happy. It doesn't matter what the reason is I guess.
Anyway, I don't know where I'm going from here. I haven't made up my mind yet as to what's next. I think I won't date for quite a long time. I'm tired of being dumped. We'll see what happens from here.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sunday, October 23, 2011

As Summer Faded, So Did He

He's been slipping away for sometime now. We talk less and less. When we do talk, he cuts our conversations short. I can't even tell you what goes through my mind, what I think it means that he's passing up opportunites to spend time with me. I don't like feeling insecure. I won't. I'm going to have to lay it on the table and hope his reactions are honest.
You know, its not just with me that he's different. His whole life seems different. He used to be all about healthy eating and ate a certain way and would always tell me about the foods he was making. He would get excited when he found something new and nutritious to add to his menu. Enthusiasm is all gone from even that. I miss his random bursts of energy. It used to put a smile on my face when he would talk about his new discoveries.
I don't know. I wish I knew what was going on with him. With us.

I've spent time focusing on myself. I've done lots of things for me, things that always make me happy, but at the end of the day, he's still there, dangling by a thread in front of me and I come back to square one. I honestly don't know which should win out "fight or flight".

Monday, October 17, 2011


I'm still alive, I promise. I'm just dealing with the "private" drama in my life. Sweetness and I seem to be headed back on track. I'm guessing its a good thing to have a boyfriend who is willing to work things out instead of bailing. I'm also guessing its a bad thing to have a boyfriend who still has "issues"...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I'm exhausted.
I can't say whether or not things are better or worse with Sweetness. I don't feel that closeness between us anymore. He feels a million miles away.

I'm also stressed to the max.
Too much going on, not sure where to focus.
I've been feeling so alone.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

When Crazy has Issues

Its been awhile.
Things had been going ok, but I don't know. I'm having that feeling again that Sweetness might leave me. I had been so very happy with each day spent with him. And the same for him. One night, he even told me he wants to marry me.
But, then he said something last night, during a moment that should've been sweet and happy, and that has made me feel insecure. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by what he said. At the time I brushed it off and continued on, but thinking back upon it now, I feel a tightening in my chest. I actually want to cry thinking about it. And maybe I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is. Who knows. Last night, he also asked me if I was happy (despite all the other personal stuff happening). I told him I was and asked why he asked that. He said that he's scared that he doesn't make me happy. He doesn't know how much he does make me happy.
Ugh. I don't know.
I'm taking it as a bad sign that when I brought up that I'm having some issues, he said we'd talk and I've yet to hear from him. Last time I felt this way, things almost did end.
Maybe I'm just tired.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Letter for Today

Dear Today,

Why were you so long? Thanks for the sunshine though, I loved it.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Lightning and Chopin

Tonight is another beautiful night that began with a cool breeze and a lightning storm in the nighttime sky. It has now grown into a full downpour. I love it. I had just decided to relax with a glass of wine and my Classical music mix- starting with my favorite Chopin piece.

Today was a great day. I spent most of it talking to Sweetness. He was laid up in bed on his day off from work. He played basketball with a friend yesterday and overworked his legs. He said he wound up getting a pretty bad charlie horse and woke up rather sore. He said he was so happy to be laying there talking to me, wishing I was next to him. He apologized again for everything that happened. This morning I actually woke up to find an email from him, apparently sent after the consumption of almost a whole bottle of wine with his dinner. In it he said that he needed to tell me just how in love with me he is and that he realizes now that he needs me. He can't live without me now, even if he wanted to. It was incredibly endearing and I really could tell he was a little drunk. Even inebriated, at least he was considerate enough to email me instead of sending a text. My full-night's sleep thanks him.

Then we got on the topic of moving in together. We're still making plans for it- we need to both be financially ready, not just emotionally/mentally. Especially since apparently he plans on being with me for a "looooooong time" (his words). He laughed at the fact that I am the only woman he's ever wanted to live with . He lived with one of his exes before (they were together for 7 years), but they were somewhat forced into it. And with his last girlfriend, he turned down the offer of them living together. For a while now, he's been wanting to live with me. To him, it just felt/feels right to have me close. I like that.

Now, I'm just trying to get everything else in my life straightened out so that he and I can start a life together to see where it goes.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

"Everyone Knows How This Old Story Goes"

The kid is serious about me, but he still has issues.
So, all day and last night I was agonizing over not talking to him. I thought if I could just make it through to tonight, I'll call/text him then to see if he wants to finally talk. I figured if he hadn't broken down yet and text/called me, then he's not having as hard of a time as I am and maybe this space is good for him.

Yeah, turns out not so much.
Sweetness sent me a text letting it allllll out. And it wasn't pretty...He couldn't even call me because he was too "emotional". At first, I honestly thought that was an excuse. Admittedly, I went back to Mr. X and how he just rejected my call and sent me to voicemail where didn't have to deal with me. But when I finally got him to call me, I could tell he was emotional. So, he was upset about my reaction the other day. And he thought that I was doing to him what every other woman has - left him. He thought that's what I was doing by giving him space. I explained my side, how I saw things and he explained his. I think we both cried (nobody knows who he is so I don't think its emasculating to mention that...). We went through just about every emotion. Yeah, over what seemed like such a small incident. I had to remind him that I'm NOT his ex-girlfriend so he shouldn't assume that I'm going to be like her. That clicked with him and he apologized for it and for everything. He said he knows I'm not. I'm so much better than that. Our love is nothing like what they had. I think he said something to the effect that with her all he did was give, give, give. And our relationship isn't like that at all. He may have cried a little more...
And I realized that I'm still having trouble letting him be there for me. I mean thats why I got irritated at his joke to begin with. It was at a time when I was dealing with what I have going on and I knew he didn't know that but I felt like I couldn't turn to him because he was at work. He realized that too. And by the time I was ready to talk to him, after all the days events happened and I thought about it and processed it he was already so upset and closed off, I just couldn't talk to him then.
We both just have to be more patient with the other and if we want this relationship to work out, we have to help eachother work through our issues.
He made a statement about how up until this point everything was so easy and it shouldn't be hard. And I told him that of course there are going to be good days and bad days. We are going to have hiccups. Especially in the beginning, especially after all he had been through. It would just be silly to think everything about us would be easy. He felt stupid for even thinking walking away, leaving me, was an option.
We talked for about 3 hours. The conversation just got increasingly better and better. And even though he said he loved me several times during our conversation, he finally said it the way that I love, that makes me melt. So softly and sweetly like it was his first time saying it. AND he used a word he normally doesn't. Never. He said: "I will never get sick of anything about you".
We'll see.
Until then we're still learning about each other in the context of a relationship. We need to know boundaries, issues, hang-ups, and hurdles that need to be dealt with and deal with them like rational adults. Or at least try to.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Yeah...great start to my week...

Well, I don't have anyone to talk to about it, so here I am.
Yesterday, Sweetness made a joke that I thought was in bad taste. Normally I don't care, I'll blow it off and laugh about it anyway. But it happened at an inopportune time. I don't know if I blew things out of porportion or if my reaction was wrong. I basically let him know I didn't like what he did and then just told him to have a nice day. So that evening he asked if I was OK and if there was anything I wanted to talk about. I said there wasn't and he said ok. I thought that was that. He kept giving me one word answers so I told him if HE needed to talk I was there. He said he didn't want to. This morning was the same thing. He was being so short with me. Finally I told him to be out with it. He said it was him and that I shouldn't worry about it. I said I wouldn't push him to tell me, but I am here if he changes his mind. He said: "I already decided I wasn't going to talk to you about it. I'm going to have an amazing day. I suggest you do the same."
That hurt me alot. So I told him I'm going to leave him alone for a few days and if he needs me, he knows where to find me. I have a feeling he's going to break up with me. I don't know why. I just feel it.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Finding Where I Fit in the Pouring Rain

Earlier in the evening, I had the opportunity to sit and watch the most wonderous lightning storm. The smell of rain was heavy in the air and a wickedly strong, yet sweet wind blew with an incredible force. It was exactly what I needed tonight. After the day I had, I needed this calm before the storm. And even as the storm came, there was still much catharsis in the pouring of the cold rain on my skin.

Then, as I was going through some old CD mixes I made a long time ago, I found this song and can't believe I ever forgot it. I LOVED this song something crazy. I still do.

OH! And I had a dream about Mr. X (formerly Douchey..still). I don't remember too much detail. I know that I was doing some daily mundane task and there he was standing next to me. He had his half-smile, wearing his grey hoodie with black skulls on it. As I was working, he was talking to me. He kept on about how our friendship had meant so much to him and blah blah blah... I don't remember all of what he said, just that I started feeling overwhelmingly bothered by his presence. Not because I was busy, but because it was him. Had anybody else been standing there, I would've been fine talking and getting shit done. I couldn't even stand to look at him without wanting to roll my eyes and yell at him to leave. I was happy to wake up.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Telepath or Still My Original Blog Stalker?

I swear not even two minutes after publishing my post last night, Sweetness text me. Either he really sensed I needed him or he is (still) reading my blog and just not telling me. Ass.
He asked if I was still awake and then asked if I wanted to talk on the phone for a bit since he had time before dinner with his family. He spent his days off from work this week with them.
I told him that I didn't want to interrupt his time he should be spending with his family since he doesn't see them too often..especially his father. All he responded was, "OK. I love you."
Reading "I love you." made me wanna hear his voice so bad. I missed him terribly. So I told him I changed my mind about talking. A few minutes passed and...Nada. I figured he was upset so I dozed off. Apparently he just left his phone charging in one room whilst hanging out in another. When he finally read my texts, the last of which said, "OK. Well, I love you too. Enjoy your dinner" He thought something bad had happened. I don't know if it was because of me or not, but he wound up staying awake all night. I, myself, had slept for a bit then did laundry in the middle of the night. THAT stressed.
So mid-morning he text me to ask if everything was OK and to apologize for leaving me hanging basically. I assured him things were OK. He said that he figured that I just didn't want to talk. I had to correct. I told him that it wasn't that I didn't want to talk to him, it was that I didn't want to interrupt time he should spend with his family. I may not be big on my family but I'm never one to get in the way of other's. He responded:
"Aww babe! Why? I know you're considerate...but, ugh =( I wouldn't have asked..."

He had asked before that if he could call but I didn't see it and thus didn't respond to it so then he took that to mean I just didn't want to talk...again.

"We'll just talk later I guess"
"K. Enjoy your day" (Not really understanding what he meant at first)
"I hope you're OK. Sure. You too."
"If you want to talk I'm available whenever you are." (after realizing...)

I barely hit send and his call came in. I answered and he sounded tired. I felt bad. Until I heard him softly and sweetly say, "Baby, I love you sooooooo much". We talked for a bit and he made me laugh, feel safe and warm and was everything I needed last night.
And then it hit me and I told him. Its not that he's not there for me, or even that I'm not aware he is, its just that I'm not used to having that. I need to learn to let him be there. I'm used to wanting the other person to be there while just being independent and dealing on my own.
This relationship is so very different, not just for him. Me too. Me too.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

If Only I Could Wrap Me In My Arms

I realize I complain. A whole lot.
Well, lately I have some heavy stuff going on. It seems Sweetness is there but still keeping a distance. When all I want is for him to say "I love you" just a little more and be a wonderous and much needed distraction, he just wants me to focus on my issue. That's truly stressful for me. I kinda figured he would do that so I hesitated even filling him in on what was going on. If he's serious about me, I wish he could be available emotionally when he can't physically hold me and tell me everything will be OK.
I don't know. Maybe that's just a female expectation of males.

I guess I'm just left to do what I normally would do: Internalize, analyze, hypothesize, rationalize, theorize...and pig out-ize. Hey, it had to flow...

Or maybe its way too early in this relationship to expect my boyfriend to be that open to/for me. I know he had his own thing going on, but still...

Eh, I'm just exhausted.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Its official!!!

So my day started out good. The not-so-good I'm choosing to leave out. I'd like to focus on what made me feel great and is getting me through this time.

I love when I get texts from Sweetness. There were a couple of concerns that needed ironing out and we accomplished this. Then, in true Sweetness fashion...

Sweetness: Thank you for putting me at ease
Me: Always. Come to me when you need to, NO hesitations
Sweetness: There's one tiny little thing
Me: Ok.
Sweetness: Promise you won't get mad?
Me: I'll try not to. I hate making promises like that.
Sweetness: Baby. Please. Promise??
Me: Grr...fine.
Sweetness: Be my girl...officially? :)
Me (pissed, but surprised and happy): Of course!! Jerk.

And then the rest of the convo was just being happy that I am his girlfriend and he is my boyfriend. Hmm...typing that out for the first time is...I don't have words for it. Exciting. Happy. Strange.
I mean, that last word...I never expected us to get to this point and it seems like such a major step for us. He said that he felt great about us, but was also scared. I said that I think that was just a part of beginning any relationship and he said that he has never been scared before. I don't know what to think of that. But then he went on to say that he was happy to have the best relationship of his life and...

Sweetness: For the first time I'm in love with someone who's good for me.

That really just made my day. For me, I just feel that for the first time, I'm in love with someone who is in love with me back. I honestly feel that he truly is in love with me. He's done nothing but prove it to me over and over again.
I'm amused at how we've gone about being in a relationship all "wrong"... first we decide we should live together, then we realize we're in love and NOW we're boyfriend/girlfriend?? I guess whatever works!!
Now, if everything else goes well, I'll be a completely happy crazy girl.

Friday, September 9, 2011

100 Posts of Crazy Overrun by Wildfire and Wild Love

Its been one hell of a week. I did take some time away to rest and do other things that have been so badly neglected (i.e. Sleep, Live, paint my toes a pretty and summery color). And I caught up on all the news of the many, many, many wildfires that have all but taken over Texas. Um, when the hell is the rain going to get here already?? Thoughts and prayers go out to all that have been affected by this and the other weather-related tragedies around the country.
I thought maybe I'd do something awesome for my 100th blog post, but alas, was unable to figure something out. It'll be just like any other post...full of the craziness that is me.
So things are still really great with Sweetness. He made my Labor Day...alot less laborious. I spent the day with family doing family things. We spent most of the time texting back and forth. I don't exactly recall what lead to it but part of our exchange went a little something like this:

Sweetness: Baby! We're in love! :)
Me: (thinking he was joking) Haha Nahhh!!!
Sweetness: I'm in love with you.

I forget my response, but he then asked if he could interrupt for a bit so we could talk on the phone. So he called me (family be dammed) and...

Sweetness: I'm in love with you (in his incredibly sexy voice). I wanted to say it and wanted you to hear it straight from my mouth.
Me: (through possibly the biggest grin I've ever been able to create) I'm in love with you too.

We chatted for a bit before I could no longer keep my family waiting. And since then things have been wonderful. We've been talking about living together. Not tomorrow or anything, but definitely in the near future. He wants to wake up with me next to him and I want to fall asleep in his arms.  Guess it would work out then... Eh, we'll see. I've been trying to think of a good song to correlate with this post. There are sooo many choices but I might have to go with a song that I was reminded of when Sweetness said "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me." And Ray LaMontagne it is as he has a song is exactly that...

This version of the song makes me tingly all over. So amazing. So so so amazing.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Forever My...Dancing Partner

Ok. I was planning on taking the day off from blogging just because I've been so tired lately and was hoping to rest today.
Of course nothing goes as planned!
Last night after posting here, while waiting for my friend to pick me up, I recieved a text from Sweetness. He was out with a couple of his buddies. He wanted to call me, so I said he could. We talked for maybe five minutes. He basically said he wanted to connect with me and we caught up on eachother's day. Cute. I loved it.
I went out, I had fun, I came home beyond exhausted. I dropped into bed and was out for a bit. When I awoke I had 2 texts from Sweetness. He was asking how I was doing and then asked if I was there (because I didn't respond). Usually he won't press, he'll just say "Ok, baby, sweet dreams". So the second text was a bit worrisome. Since it had only been an hour since he sent them, I responded. He replied that he couldn't sleep. I thought it was another caffeine binge he went on that kept him awake. But I told him if he wanted to talk, I was available. He didn't respond until around 7am. Instead of his usual "Good morning!" text, he just said, "I'm sorry for interrupting your night." Thats when I knew something was up. The rest basically went like this:

Me: are you ok?
Sweetness: Yes n no
Me: whats up?
Sweetness: I feel like I'm missing you.
 Me: What do you mean?
Sweetness: I feel like a part of me (you) is missing.

That really made me feel...confused, excited, many things at once.
He said that he was out with his friends having such a great time but when he saw this couple dancing he felt like he wanted someone to dance with.

Sweetness: Only I knew only one person I wanted to be my dancing partner. You. I'm falling in love with you.

I sat there stunned for what felt like forever. But I told him that he already knew how I felt. It hasn't changed. I just asked if this was what he wanted. He assured me it was. We chatted for a bit longer until he realized the time and knew he needed to be getting ready for work. 

Sweetness: Will you be my dancing partner?
Me: Yes...even if you step on my toes sometimes, it'd be worth it just to be in your arms.
Sweetness: I think we shall dance perfectly togeher. We already do.

So, yeah... That really happened. I feel weird for sharing such a personal exchange but I didn't know how else to explain what happened or why I'm so excited by it. Over the moon excited. At this point I had stopped expecting anything other than our friendship to continue. I'm happy to see what happens. I'm still at a loss for words...

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Short and Sweet

Despite being so incredibly exhausted, I'm still soooo ready to go out again tonight! Leaving quite soon so, this is a quickie.

A quick quickie as that's pretty much all I have to say at the moment!

Oh, I am nearing my 100th blog post. I wonder if I should do something "special"...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Get Up and Dance

As promised here is the second post of the night. When I'm feeling particularly stressed or need to unwind, I like to play music with a beat that'll get me moving. Next thing I know, I'm so into dancing around like a blissful fool, that I've forgotten (even if only temporarily) what I was so worried about.
I've noticed lately that alot of those whose blog(s) I follow have mentioned being so tense or something of that nature. I've been there alot as of late, too.
So, come on! Shake it! Don't worry if anyone is watching and if they are, who cares what they think!?


Have a good night, people! I know I will as I'm off to have mountainous fun with another girls' night out! Drinks and Dancing!

Look Out Weekend...

Ok ok ok. This is going to be one of two posts tonight. The reasoning behind this is there are two songs I want to share. I wanted to end my week with another mood-inducing song. Then since it seems everyone has been stressed, wound up, tense, or just has alot going on, I would love to pass along something to lighten the mood...ideally.
For me, yeah, this week has been super crazy. A roller coaster -up and down. Sweetness and I are still doing ok. Lots of late nights talking, laughing and living. I've never felt closer to someone and he's kinda implied the same. I've never been happier running on such a small amount of sleep.
Ahhh ok, so back to the task at hand...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I Hope to Dream of an "Earthly Goddess"

I'm sooooooo relaxed right now. Its been a while since I've not felt so...tense or stressed. Its nice! Didn't want to drift off to the land of dreams until I posted a song. I'm stubborn like that.

Driving Miss Sexy

Today turned out absolutely perfect! Sweetness and I had a "hiccup" last night but finally sorted through it and had an amazing evening! We'll see what tomorrow holds!

Ok, so tonight's video is a song I LOVE from one of my favorite bands, Deftones, featuring another of my absolute favorite artists, Mr. Maynard James Keenan (of Tool, A Perfect Circle, Puscifer) called "Passenger". The jury is still out as to whether or not this song really is about sex in a car, but I find it sexy for the sound of Chino's and Maynard's voices.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Song for Those Who Like to Watch...

Lets see if I can find the words to describe "I get off" by Halestorm...
This song is incredibly sexy. You know, when you can find being "stalked" sexy! ;)
And the lead singer, Ms. Lizzy, is quite sexy and gorgeous herself!

A Crazy Girl is Given Crazy Love

This morning I awoke fully rested for the first time in almost a week. The last few days with Sweetness was pretty intense as were our conversations. We'd start the evening with talks about us, but next thing we knew, we were laughing and making jokes and just having the greatest time ever. Although there's still a great amount of uncertainty, its still feels a great weight has been lifted.
Hell, I myself am still just a little all over the place. But the one thing that keeps popping into my head was something so incredibly simple that he said.
"I just want you"
It pretty much came from nowhere. I've always thought that I wanted someone to need me, but since he said that, I don't know, I've been thinking about it. Its kind of like out of all the options that are in front of him, the one he keeps coming back to And looking back, his struggles have been about just that. He said he wanted to "keep his options open" by dating other people and staying out of relationships. But he kept wondering how and trying to find ways to keep me in his life. He never wanted me to leave, go away, or be taken away. He later said something to the effect of that he wonders now if he wasn't just wanting to keep the option of dating out of stubborn-ness. Who knows. Nothing's really been decided yet. Although I like that he's making future plans with me again.
And I can't get over the way he says "I love you".
I'm used to us saying it between us as we've been friends for awhile (You know, one of those quick "love ya" types). The other night he kept softly repeating it... "I love you. I love you. God, I love you. So much, I love you."
He kept on for a bit, each time putting more and more emphasis on "love" and then on "you". Then "I really love you". It was insane. I've never heard him speak so soft and sweet and sincere before.
Just gotta keep my head on straight for now, though.
I love him too...

Monday, August 29, 2011

Getting Lost in the "Thicke" of it All

I don't know why, but I'm in a sensual state lately. Well, I guess I shouldn't say I don't know why. I've been taking a look at myself and who I am and what makes me. I've been delving into myself in sections. And alot of the time, I do feel like a sensual person, I just don't readily express it. And, well, music is my favorite form of expression. Maybe this week, (aside from usual chatter) I'll feature songs that (to me) are sensual, sexy, or lustful.
Such a task cannot be accomplished without including Robin Thicke. In my opinion, this man is the epitome of all things sensual, sexy and lustful. And, of course, I could not choose just one song...

Saturday, August 27, 2011

When Heat Meets My Skin and Texts Meet My Eyes All Echoing Around Bloodstream

Oh today has been soooooo very interesting! I love it...well, except the heat. It was incredibly, unbearably hot today. When faced with having to be outside, I could feel the beads of sweat beginning to gather at the nape of my neck and slowly trickle down passed my shoulders, follwing the trail of my spine to their final resting place that is the small of my back....and this all occurred within 5 minutes!! Checking the mail has never been so sensual!

Annnnnd today I received a text from Sweetness as he awoke to get ready for work. I think it was the longest message I've ever gotten...
Basically he said that he believes we are very connected and have something special. He mentioned several times that he loves me. He thinks we should be happy and live for right now with what we feel for eachother. And although his last relationship was devastating and as a result wanted to never put anyone else before him, he realized I am so amazing and wonderful that he can't have anyone else get in the way of us.
This was after a convo last night saying that he felt for all we've been through, we were closer and that there was more of an "us" than ever before. Also that we are "more serious".
I can't predict the future but I'm happy to go with the flow for right now. It kinda feels very "When Harry Met Sally". We've been friends for a while and never thought anything other than friendship would ever bloom. And its been a struggle. OBVIOUSLY! We'll see what happens from here.

I couldn't decide which version of the song I'd like to post, so I put them both. I really love the acoustic version though!

Friday, August 26, 2011

When YouTube "Throws You the Obvious"

Normally I'm not a big YouTube person. I didn't start using it heavily until I started this blog. So now I explore it on a regular basis and was very pleased to find the most amazing version of one of my favorite songs.

Oh Soooo Tired

Ok, so I've been staring at the screen trying to find out where to begin.
And THEN I fell asleep with my 'puter in my lap and had this little dream about these two people (a man and a woman) chasing someone through some sewer tunnels trying to take from him this serum from his coat pocket. They cornered him and when he took out one syringe full of the serum to inject himself, the woman lunged at him and instead the needle bent and wound up puncturing her arm as she tried to grab him. She pulled back, a look of horror on her now pale-white face. She knew she was tainted by this evil concoction and began to change into this huge, hideous worm-like creature. While she lay there in her newly transformed body, sobbing loudly, her male partner who is now filled with an unspeakable rage kills the man they were chasing and then drops to the side of the worm-woman to sob with her and grieve for the impending loss. He knew he had to kill her.
And I woke up.
I'm so beyond exhausted from getting only like two hours of sleep last night. Sweetness wound up texting me pretty late (or early, depending how you look at it). He wanted to inform me that he responded to my email. I pulled myself out of bed, filled with curiosity. I read and re-read the email so many times unable to believe what he was saying and admittedly some of it didn't really make sense.
Basically he misunderstood what I was meaning in my email. He took so much of it out of context and turned it into something so nasty that he felt attacked and was hurt. I finally had to text him back and asked to talk to explain. I did just that and he began to see things from my perspective and then let me know how things were on his side.
We know we each just want whats best for eachother and for us both to be happy no matter what. While he loves me, he doesn't want to get in the way of anything good happening for me. We settled everything, mostly. There are just a couple more things to iron the wrinkles out of.
We've both concluded that neither of us are in a position to date anybody (eachother included). I want/need to work on myself and he, him. Its done,we're ok.
Good. I'm exhausted.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

An End is Almost at Hand

First, I would like to thank one of my readers for taking the time to give some much needed (and very much appreciated) advice.
Second, I just wanna note how odd it is to write about a situation that is so current/ongoing. I guess with Mr. X I was used to writing about all that had already happened instead of what just happened and what might happen. And too, I don't know how he'd feel about me blogging about our "business". Its all anon so I hope thats ok. This is the best place for me to vent or unload my mind instead of going back to him a million times over with the same thing.

Which brings me to my current state. I let Sweetness know that I would email him some of my feelings and concerns. I was so tired of sitting on things/issues and wanted them out in the open for us to discuss and conclude upon. He sent me a text that he did receive and read my email but needed time to respond so as to gather his thoughts. And he said he was thinking alot about me.
That's a little scary. Its almost exactly what Mr. X said so long ago when we were on the (at the time unknown to me) brink of departing.
So, I've been preparing myself for a new separation from yet another best friend with whom things have gotten too complicated. I don't even know if that's right to expect the worst. To expect that he would just leave me. But it just feels like the most logical conclusion. If that's how it goes, it will hurt. A lot. But at the same time, I still just want us both to be happy. Even if that means moving on from eachother. I don't know. My mind is in a strange place where its blank and all over the place at the same time. We'll see how it turns out.
Thank you to all who've lent support and words to me in this super crazy time! I'm always appreciative of my readers and commentors. :)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


So, I'm supposed to have a date with a friend of a friend some time within the next week. He lives a couple hours away from me, but supposedly is pretty interested in seeing what happens with me. Its a nice feeling.

However, I unloaded onto Sweetness when I didn't intend to.. I was telling him about the impending date and blarrrrrgh it all came out. I don't know. All he had to say was "I love you". I told him for sure how I felt. So, at least one way or another, I have confirmation. I don't need to hope or wonder anymore.
It hurts, but that'll take time to go away and honestly I've been crying a little here and there.

Onwards and upwards.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

What's a Crazy Girl to do...

Well, today has been...interesting.
Its Sweetness's birthday (which apparently he doesn't like to celebrate). We started having a great convo this morning. Then...his ex sent him a birthday text. Aaaaand all his pain came back. I hated knowing he was/is in pain. I hate seeing any of my friends like that, but this time is different. It made me sad that he's allowing her to always have some sort of control over him. Because by allowing what he went through, what she put him through, to make him decide to never have a relationship again or put himself in a position where he "could" be hurt again is allowing her to continue to dominate his life. And as "happy" as he is that they are no longer together, he's still holding onto that heartache. He won't let go because he feels that he needs it as a reminder that HE is the only person he has. He won't leave himself therefore he won't hurt himself. Its sad that he's making that decision.
And even though I've decided to look for someone who actually wants to be with me, I do have to admit that it makes me sad and even hurts a little that he'll never truly realize what could be with me. He just would never be able to trust that I wouldn't hurt him. Or, well, to even take that chance. I know I wouldn't hurt him. I've never hurt my knowledge. I've always been the one dumped, cheated on, lead on... I know what it feels like. I don't want to do it to someone else. I'm all about love, always. Its hard to gain my trust and even harder to win my heart, but once it happens, its almost as sure as "death and taxes". I'm always willing to try and work hard. But I can't make anyone love me or want me.
All I can do is just be there for him. I don't expect anyone to understand, but I do love him and even feel sometimes that he's the one, but if he's making that kind of decision, I don't want to be left standing out in the cold.

Monday, August 22, 2011

"Butterfly Better Fly Away"

I think I'm going to take some time now to work on myself. I need to figure out exactly what I want out of life so that I may get out there to get it.
I know I want to feel special. I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I'm the only woman my partner needs. I don't want to be one of many options. I want to be the one for someone. And I know he/she is out there.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

We Definitely Won't Be Singing "Summer Nights" Together...

This morning was great. Got in a good jog/walk before the heat took over the day. My knees have been aching like crazy these last couple of days but I think I may just be pushing myself too hard. Anyway...
This evening was a family function...good times. I still (and will always) feel awkward around them.
After that wrapped up, I met up with a friend of mine and her hubby. They were in town for the weekend and she asked to get together before they left. At first I thought, 'Oh, hey cool! I get to catch up!'
Well, no. It turned out it was some sort of covert operation for them to get me to meet some guy she's been wanting to set me up with for awhile. She was always saying I needed to met Mr. Q (as I so choose to call him here). Mr. Q and I would hit it off wonderfully as we have sooooo much in common (rolls eyes). It just never happened til tonight.
I walked into the ice cream shoppe, rather dressed up from my family dinner. Nothing too fancy, sun dress, strappy sandals, "soft" make-up...the "its summer and hot outside so I'll get prettied up only to the point where I'll still look decent if I melt" look. I'm gonna admit I was pretty shocked to see a third person sitting with them. Mrs. A just looked at me with a big grin, like, "yeah I just did that". I size up Mr. Q. He's cute-ish. He looks like he totally walked out of a Gap commercial or something. I don't know. I don't judge (or try not to). We're introduced. He stood, smiled, held out his hand, said "Hi" and pulled out my chair for me. We order, I catch up a bit with Mr. and Mrs.A and then start chatting up Mr. Q. Something about him felt all wrong. I knew he wasn't someone I'd like to go out on a date with. He hardly seemed interested in anything about me. Completely dominated the conversation, even speaking over my attempts at input/contributing. I started to tune him out. That really RARELY happens. I love listening. I like being able so see (well, hear) how people's minds work. But, alas, my ears decided they needed a breather. I was happy to finally be able to make an escape.
Later, I sent a text to Mrs. A saying it was wonderful to catch up and even threw in that it was nice meeting her friend...
She replied by asking what I thought about Mr. Q. I had to be honest. I told her that he just wasn't my type.
Her response: Oh ok! Well, then I wasn't sure I should tell you this, but if you aren't interested... He said that you just aren't attractive enough for him to consider asking out on a date.
Gee, thanks.
I may not have been into him, but that still stung a little. Well, I guess can't blame him, I mean, after all he didn't even want to feel up my brain. Its no wonder all he had to go on was outward appearances...
NEXT!!! This bitch don't have time for all that...
At least my ice cream was great

Saturday, August 20, 2011


Ahh so its been kind of a crazy week.
For me, personally, things are ok. No major drama to speak of for once.
For my friends, however, its a different story. For one friend in particular its the same story...again and again and again. I've been trying to be there for her as much as I can but, I guess I can only give the same advice so many times.
But I hate seeing my friends hurt. Its like I'd rather be the one hurting than see them have any pain. :/
Eh, I guess we all need our own learning experiences otherwise we'd never grow.
We'll see what happens...

Friday, August 19, 2011

Its Friday I'm in Love,,,

...with music.
Gotta love my entry title... it was only a matter of time before I made a Cure reference...
Sooo to wrap up a most perfect day (although totally hellish heat ridden) I like to wind down with a little known musician named Matt Duke. I love his voice, his writing style and his adorable face. He's got that cute baby face type thing going on and oh how it works for me. Alot.
The first song is called "Kingdom Underground". I think he said that song was inspired by the book "Paradise Lost". For me, its an infectious kind of song. The second is called "Sex and Reruns". Its got a pretty good beat and well, with a title like that...sounds like a Saturday night...or not. That song is part of my workout mix.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

When I Get Lost, I Follow the Yellow Brick Road Only to Find Elton John Waiting at the End, Waving Goodbye.

Ugh, its been a long day. I'm kinda drained. I had planned out what I would blog about tonight, but alas, it has escaped my mind. I completely forgot. So I'll post my favorite songs by Elton John. I think I read once that he doesn't like to spend more than a few minutes writing any song. If that's true, he's beyond amazing. I mean he doesn't really have any bad songs. I love him. I regret missing his show in Vegas. I really love the first video. I think this was at the beginning Robert Downey Jr.'s "comeback". He did an amazing job with this video. He seemed so incredibly vulnerable and open. I love it.

I Can't Believe You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth. If Only She Knew What You've Done With It.

So today has been I woke up this morning with a reminder alert on my phone that today is Mr. X's birthday. I guess that's the only thing of him I forgot to erase. Then I just started feeling kinda down. Its definitely not because I miss him or anything. Because, really, I DO NOT! I guess I just don't want to be used again like that. I say 'used' because basically that's what he did. I was some sort of "filler" between his relationships. When we met he was just getting out of a bad one. We clicked, became instant friends and we were talking alllllll the time. You know, the preliminary getting to know someone, the "Oh you are sooo new and interesting" phase. Then he seemingly changed over night. Thinking back on it, there was never a gradual change like their usually is when you settle into a friendship/relationship.So I'm thinking it was about that time that he probably met her. And THEN we had this nice vacation together...well nice except for the fact that he kept throwing around phrases like "I'm SO glad I'm single" and "I'm happy not to be in a relationship" and "I'm not looking to be with anybody". Yeah, that crap. All this said after flirting with and hitting on me. Really. Well, during our entire friendship he flirted with and hit on me (He even brought it up once). Just during the trip we took, it seemed like he really put it on max. That did send up some red flags. Finally there was a couple of odd and uncomfortable weeks where occassionally we would chat. He even text me randomly once just because he'd been "thinking about me alot". And then finally he gave me the goodbye speech. In text, no less. I called him and he rejected my call only to text me a bit later saying he needed time to be alone because he'd been going through alot. *rolls eyes* Is that really how you treat someone whom you supposedly considered to be an important part of your life??
And I grieved over the loss of my "best friend". I hurt. I cried. I ached.
Come to find out a couple months later that he had been dating someone. He said he and I had feelings for eachother but he didn't want to take it any further with me since he wasn't ready, but secretly (to me anyway) he was dating somebody. And that's when it hit me. He used me.
I was just so infuriated. I cried these incredibly hot tears that felt like they alone could melt the sun. I'll never know why he didn't want to just tell me. I knew that what he was trying to tell me on our vacation was that he just didn't want to be with ME. He was just too much of an immature coward to come out and say it.
I don't want to be used again. I don't want to be a "filler". I don't want to be a "rebound".
Since we both like the same band, this is my birthday gift to Mr. X. Happy Birthday, Douchebag.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

When Hot Guys Make Hot Music

So, after a small break, I am returned to bring more music to my blog. Tonight, Maroon 5. I looooves them. Adam Levine has quite an amazing and unique voice. Not bad for "mainstream". I couldn't really narrow it down to my usual two videos...  Enjoy

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Open Letter to My Best Friend, My Sweetness

This is something I've been working on for a while. Its sat in my "Drafts" folder while I kept adding and taking away from it. Something tells me its the right time to post this. I'm almost pretty sure My Sweetness doesn't read my blog anymore. If he does, I sure hope he'll tell me. None of this is new to him so...

Dear "Fry",
I love you. You say that you love me. We each want what's best for the other. We've started something. We've ended it. We've decided to let things be. We've been back and forth on what we are and what could be. You say you are too damaged for a "relationship". You could never put trust in another person like you did with her because you don't want anybody (even me) to hurt you the way she has. You say that you aren't as strong as I am.
I don't think that I'm strong. I come with baggage too. But I don't compare you to anybody. I don't assume you'll be like Mr. X. When you say "I love you", I believe it. I trust it. I know it. I do it because I don't want to be the only person I trust. I do it because you've seen me at my worst, and I, you. We've pulled eachother out of the depths of hell. Yes, there is alot of hurt and pain out there. But there is also love and warmth and happiness. In order to truly find it, you have to let go and open yourself to the possibility. ALL of the possibilities. I believe that to really love you must be willing to hurt. And that's just who I am.
I don't expect you to change. Its ok if you don't. I know that you will never wake up one morning and confirm your thought that I could be "the one". I never expect you to say again that I'm someone you could see yourself marrying. Its not gonna happen. But am I unhappy? No. Do I still want to be here? Yes.
I've been close to leaving before. I just wanted to turn and walk away from you. From everything. All I was looking at was the bad. I felt like you didn't need me. I felt that maybe I was expecting those things from you. Maybe I was expecting you to want to be with me. I felt that I was holding you back and you didn't want that for us. You shouldn't limit yourself. You should "explore your options".  I felt like leaving because when you said you don't think you could ever be in a relationship again, that you were just saying you just didn't want a relationship with me. I was allowing my past to interfere with my future. Especially since this happened after you thought we should try to have a relationship. But when I thought about not having you in my life, that idea hurt more than anything you could do/say. How is that? Well, if I walked away, I would never know what might've happened. I would rather throw caution to the wind and maybe we could have the greatest life together or maybe you hurt me. Maybe I hurt you (although I never want to). The truth is we just don't know. And I want to find out. We also promised to ALWAYS be a part of eachother's lives. I don't want to hurt you like that, by breaking a promise. Maybe you will heal from your heartache. Maybe you freaked out about us that one night because maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe you'll meet someone who will make you want to love with wreckless abandon. Someone who will make you either forget or just not care about what happened in the past. As much as I wish I could be that person for you, maybe I'm not. I don't know. Sometimes I think that when someone is the absolute most perfect person for you, you know. Just know. No matter where you are, what's happened to you. You know. I could be wrong. It could be different for everybody. But its not going to stop me from loving you the way that I do, as much as I do. You will always have my support 100%. You will always, at least, be my (best) friend, even if I can never be your love.

Love always,

*I do not own the rights to the above image.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I've done women, now I do men

Speaking in terms of musical presentation in my blog, of course...
I want to continue to share more of what I'm listening to, who moves/inspires me musically.
I've been listening to Matt Nathanson for a few years now. I really love his lyrics, especially when writing about love/longing/desire. I can't quite put my finger on what exactly it is....

Thursday, August 11, 2011

When Crazy Goes Out for Crazy Fun

Ahh so for me, these last couple of days has been...wonderful. Things are calm and I've been happy. I'm not stressing about anything. Last night was amazing. Went out to hang with some friends and it was beyond the greatest time ever. Lots of laughs, lots of love, lots of vodka. What more could a girl ask for?? Oh! Lots of food afterwards at our fave 24 hour diner. LOVED IT!!!
Tonight makes for round #2. I'm blogging as I'm waiting for my buddy to pick me up. That's right folks, I DO NOT drink and drive. Period. Please, a round of applause for designated drivers! Not that I'm going to get fall-on-my-ass drunk or anything, just like to be safe. In the words of Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman: "I'm a safety girl".
Here is one of my favorite "Girls Night Out" songs. Although, technically I'm not in a relationship, it still works :)

Monday, August 8, 2011

When My Brain Takes a Breather

After my last post, I've been having trouble thinking of something to blog about. I have felt so much better just letting go of everything from my past relationships. I know with my current situation we do have our ups and downs and at times we are both scared of what this is and where its going. Maybe it shouldn't be like that, but aside from it all, for me anyway, there is still something about it that feels so right.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

All That I've Been Holding Onto For So Long

I have been thinking so much about everything, lately. My past, my present and what it means for my future. I know I'll never be able to sleep unless I get it all out now.

Sometimes I wish I could be stronger.
Sometimes I wish I could forget.
Sometimes I wish I never knew.
Sometimes I wish I never saw your smile.
Sometimes I wish I never trusted you.
Sometimes I wish I never was there for you.
Sometimes I wish I never looked.
Sometimes I wish I never gave you so much of me.
Sometimes I wish I could have been everything you wanted.
Despite everything, I can never give up on love.
I can never close myself off to the world or to life.
I can always wish that there is someone who'll love me as much and as fiercely as I love them.
I have hope that there is someone who wants me, all of me, and will take me as I am: scars, tears, sorrow.
Take the bad with the good.
Let me cry. Let me laugh. Let me scream.
Let me be who I am and never want to change me.
I don't need to believe that I am beautiful; just honestly love me because my heart, my soul, my mind is beautiful.
Find me irreplaceable.
Be lost without me.
Have patience with me.
Desire me.
Long for me.
Love me, care for me, be there for me not because I deserve it but because you want to be.
There is someone out there who'll love, respect and be thankful for all that I am and all that I give.
I know. I believe. I have faith

Friday, August 5, 2011

When a King is Queen

Carole King. She's a legend. Enough said! And as much as I love James Taylor, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that without Carole King, he wouldn't have had as much success.