I love you. You say that you love me. We each want what's best for the other. We've started something. We've ended it. We've decided to let things be. We've been back and forth on what we are and what could be. You say you are too damaged for a "relationship". You could never put trust in another person like you did with her because you don't want anybody (even me) to hurt you the way she has. You say that you aren't as strong as I am.
I don't think that I'm strong. I come with baggage too. But I don't compare you to anybody. I don't assume you'll be like Mr. X. When you say "I love you", I believe it. I trust it. I know it. I do it because I don't want to be the only person I trust. I do it because you've seen me at my worst, and I, you. We've pulled eachother out of the depths of hell. Yes, there is alot of hurt and pain out there. But there is also love and warmth and happiness. In order to truly find it, you have to let go and open yourself to the possibility. ALL of the possibilities. I believe that to really love you must be willing to hurt. And that's just who I am.
I don't expect you to change. Its ok if you don't. I know that you will never wake up one morning and confirm your thought that I could be "the one". I never expect you to say again that I'm someone you could see yourself marrying. Its not gonna happen. But am I unhappy? No. Do I still want to be here? Yes.
I've been close to leaving before. I just wanted to turn and walk away from you. From everything. All I was looking at was the bad. I felt like you didn't need me. I felt that maybe I was expecting those things from you. Maybe I was expecting you to want to be with me. I felt that I was holding you back and you didn't want that for us. You shouldn't limit yourself. You should "explore your options". I felt like leaving because when you said you don't think you could ever be in a relationship again, that you were just saying you just didn't want a relationship with me. I was allowing my past to interfere with my future. Especially since this happened after you thought we should try to have a relationship. But when I thought about not having you in my life, that idea hurt more than anything you could do/say. How is that? Well, if I walked away, I would never know what might've happened. I would rather throw caution to the wind and maybe we could have the greatest life together or maybe you hurt me. Maybe I hurt you (although I never want to). The truth is we just don't know. And I want to find out. We also promised to ALWAYS be a part of eachother's lives. I don't want to hurt you like that, by breaking a promise. Maybe you will heal from your heartache. Maybe you freaked out about us that one night because maybe I'm just not the one. Maybe you'll meet someone who will make you want to love with wreckless abandon. Someone who will make you either forget or just not care about what happened in the past. As much as I wish I could be that person for you, maybe I'm not. I don't know. Sometimes I think that when someone is the absolute most perfect person for you, you know. Just know. No matter where you are, what's happened to you. You know. I could be wrong. It could be different for everybody. But its not going to stop me from loving you the way that I do, as much as I do. You will always have my support 100%. You will always, at least, be my (best) friend, even if I can never be your love.