So today has been kinda...eh. I woke up this morning with a reminder alert on my phone that today is Mr. X's birthday. I guess that's the only thing of him I forgot to erase. Then I just started feeling kinda down. Its definitely not because I miss him or anything. Because, really, I DO NOT! I guess I just don't want to be used again like that. I say 'used' because basically that's what he did. I was some sort of "filler" between his relationships. When we met he was just getting out of a bad one. We clicked, became instant friends and we were talking alllllll the time. You know, the preliminary getting to know someone, the "Oh you are sooo new and interesting" phase. Then he seemingly changed over night. Thinking back on it, there was never a gradual change like their usually is when you settle into a friendship/relationship.So I'm thinking it was about that time that he probably met her. And THEN we had this nice vacation together...well nice except for the fact that he kept throwing around phrases like "I'm SO glad I'm single" and "I'm happy not to be in a relationship" and "I'm not looking to be with anybody". Yeah, that crap. All this said after flirting with and hitting on me. Really. Well, during our entire friendship he flirted with and hit on me (He even brought it up once). Just during the trip we took, it seemed like he really put it on max. That did send up some red flags. Finally there was a couple of odd and uncomfortable weeks where occassionally we would chat. He even text me randomly once just because he'd been "thinking about me alot". And then finally he gave me the goodbye speech. In text, no less. I called him and he rejected my call only to text me a bit later saying he needed time to be alone because he'd been going through alot. *rolls eyes* Is that really how you treat someone whom you supposedly considered to be an important part of your life??
And I grieved over the loss of my "best friend". I hurt. I cried. I ached.
Come to find out a couple months later that he had been dating someone. He said he and I had feelings for eachother but he didn't want to take it any further with me since he wasn't ready, but secretly (to me anyway) he was dating somebody. And that's when it hit me. He used me.
I was just so infuriated. I cried these incredibly hot tears that felt like they alone could melt the sun. I'll never know why he didn't want to just tell me. I knew that what he was trying to tell me on our vacation was that he just didn't want to be with ME. He was just too much of an immature coward to come out and say it.
I don't want to be used again. I don't want to be a "filler". I don't want to be a "rebound".
Since we both like the same band, this is my birthday gift to Mr. X. Happy Birthday, Douchebag.