Sunday, October 30, 2011

Things Get Worse....

Before they get better. I'm hoping that's the case. Left and right parts of my life just keep falling apart. Its starting to take its toll. I've been really trying to stay positive but its getting harder. And I definitely want to deal with things, but with so much going on, its difficult to decide which to deal with first. I know the last thing I need to deal with is Sweetness breaking up with me. That's been put on the back burner since other problems involve more than just me. But it is a major adjustment. When something happens, I pick up the phone, but then I remember I can't go running to him anymore. That kinda makes me feel alone and ache alllll over again.
I'm hoping that with Halloween tomorrow, I can just take a night to relax and enjoy the fun and excitement the night brings.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Back to Square One

Well, we had a long break-up. At least it was the longest break-up I've ever had. My other relationships ended when the guys stopped talking to me...pretty much after a week of not hearing from them I realized it was over.
With Sweetness, we spent a lot of time talking and crying. Yes, we both cried. I'm thinking for different reasons. Mine being, well, because I'm heartbroken. Him, probably because he's still feeling "fucked up". He kept apologizing for everything. I eventually had to tell him to stop since it wasn't exactly helping the situation. I've cried since then, but honestly, not as much as I thought I would. I mean, I know I felt it coming but, I was really in love with him so I thought it would be harder. *shrug* I don't know. Maybe I'm just too tired to grieve.
He said that he just didn't see our relationship working out. He feels that its all him because of how messed up he is still. He thinks I'm amazing. He doesn't know exactly what happened. He said in the beginning he was really happy. Probably the most happy he'd ever been but then something just stopped making him happy. He started getting anxiety over us and didn't trust the relationship. BUT he still loves me. Eh. I just know he wasn't happy. It doesn't matter what the reason is I guess.
Anyway, I don't know where I'm going from here. I haven't made up my mind yet as to what's next. I think I won't date for quite a long time. I'm tired of being dumped. We'll see what happens from here.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Sunday, October 23, 2011

As Summer Faded, So Did He

He's been slipping away for sometime now. We talk less and less. When we do talk, he cuts our conversations short. I can't even tell you what goes through my mind, what I think it means that he's passing up opportunites to spend time with me. I don't like feeling insecure. I won't. I'm going to have to lay it on the table and hope his reactions are honest.
You know, its not just with me that he's different. His whole life seems different. He used to be all about healthy eating and ate a certain way and would always tell me about the foods he was making. He would get excited when he found something new and nutritious to add to his menu. Enthusiasm is all gone from even that. I miss his random bursts of energy. It used to put a smile on my face when he would talk about his new discoveries.
I don't know. I wish I knew what was going on with him. With us.

I've spent time focusing on myself. I've done lots of things for me, things that always make me happy, but at the end of the day, he's still there, dangling by a thread in front of me and I come back to square one. I honestly don't know which should win out "fight or flight".

Monday, October 17, 2011


I'm still alive, I promise. I'm just dealing with the "private" drama in my life. Sweetness and I seem to be headed back on track. I'm guessing its a good thing to have a boyfriend who is willing to work things out instead of bailing. I'm also guessing its a bad thing to have a boyfriend who still has "issues"...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I'm exhausted.
I can't say whether or not things are better or worse with Sweetness. I don't feel that closeness between us anymore. He feels a million miles away.

I'm also stressed to the max.
Too much going on, not sure where to focus.
I've been feeling so alone.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

When Crazy has Issues

Its been awhile.
Things had been going ok, but I don't know. I'm having that feeling again that Sweetness might leave me. I had been so very happy with each day spent with him. And the same for him. One night, he even told me he wants to marry me.
But, then he said something last night, during a moment that should've been sweet and happy, and that has made me feel insecure. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by what he said. At the time I brushed it off and continued on, but thinking back upon it now, I feel a tightening in my chest. I actually want to cry thinking about it. And maybe I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is. Who knows. Last night, he also asked me if I was happy (despite all the other personal stuff happening). I told him I was and asked why he asked that. He said that he's scared that he doesn't make me happy. He doesn't know how much he does make me happy.
Ugh. I don't know.
I'm taking it as a bad sign that when I brought up that I'm having some issues, he said we'd talk and I've yet to hear from him. Last time I felt this way, things almost did end.
Maybe I'm just tired.