Well, I nodded off a bit ago and just now awoke. I was actually curled up on my couch- all comfy cozy, planning to blog about my day... But I guess it wasn't that important after all.
What is important to me is the dream I just awoke from. In my dream, I was crying the way I do when I'm not just sad/upset, but stressed. I was rubbing my forehead with one hand while dabbing my eyes with a tissue in the other. Out of nowhere I feel a hand upon my shoulder. I look up and standing beside me is Buddy. I twist in my seat to face him. He's wearing his baggy-ish jeans with a rip just above the knee and a white, crew neck tee. The tee is just like him...not too loose, not tight, but fitted enough to see the shape of his well-defined muscles. He's smiling at me, but its not the smile I expect to see. Buddy's usual smile was kinda big, and powerful and at times had a sort of mischievous undertone. While still powerful, this smile seemed softer and gentler. I wished I could hear his voice again. I stared at him, waiting for him to speak but all he did was lean down, kiss my forehead before turning to walk away. Then I woke up...sobbing. I guess I was sobbing in my sleep, the cushion was pretty soaked. I still miss him so much. All I've been doing since is thinking about him. I miss his warmth and protection. I miss his laugh and most importantly I miss his love. He only told me "I love you" once shortly before he passed but somehow I always felt and knew it. One of our last conversations was about the fact that he did have regrets in his life- one being that he wished he said it to me more.
But, no matter what I am so grateful and happy that he was a part of my life. He meant so much to me. Always will.
What is important to me is the dream I just awoke from. In my dream, I was crying the way I do when I'm not just sad/upset, but stressed. I was rubbing my forehead with one hand while dabbing my eyes with a tissue in the other. Out of nowhere I feel a hand upon my shoulder. I look up and standing beside me is Buddy. I twist in my seat to face him. He's wearing his baggy-ish jeans with a rip just above the knee and a white, crew neck tee. The tee is just like him...not too loose, not tight, but fitted enough to see the shape of his well-defined muscles. He's smiling at me, but its not the smile I expect to see. Buddy's usual smile was kinda big, and powerful and at times had a sort of mischievous undertone. While still powerful, this smile seemed softer and gentler. I wished I could hear his voice again. I stared at him, waiting for him to speak but all he did was lean down, kiss my forehead before turning to walk away. Then I woke up...sobbing. I guess I was sobbing in my sleep, the cushion was pretty soaked. I still miss him so much. All I've been doing since is thinking about him. I miss his warmth and protection. I miss his laugh and most importantly I miss his love. He only told me "I love you" once shortly before he passed but somehow I always felt and knew it. One of our last conversations was about the fact that he did have regrets in his life- one being that he wished he said it to me more.
But, no matter what I am so grateful and happy that he was a part of my life. He meant so much to me. Always will.
3 comments:
I'm sorry :( You'll find him again... or he'll find you. Someone will come along, and you'll know... Buddy sent him. I truly believe that.
Just because he only said it once, don't assume that was the only time he felt it.
With my ex who died, I held back from telling him I loved him for a long time...kind of as a self-protective mechanism. Then, ironically, the first (and only) time I said it was about 12 hours before he died. I wish I would've said it more--but I know that he knew all along. You should too.
Thank you both for these comments. It is very hard to lose someone and it has reminded me how precious love is
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