Thursday, March 4, 2010

I'm Heartbroken and a Fool...with Good Dreams

I never thought I'd say this, but when the hell is Spring getting here? I'm hoping with a new season comes a feeling of new beginning or a chance for a fresh start. Time for "Spring cleaning", I guess.

So, yeah, that means I'm still hurting...alot. Always just trying to make sense of things. Keep replaying his and my words over and over again. I just wonder sometimes if its something I did or said or didn't say or do. Unless he's just an asshole in disguise. Or maybe, not. Talking with one of my friends the other day, I came up with the very real possibility that this guy is young (well, slightly younger than me, both in our 20s) and he may be smart and mature, but he still has to grow up. One thing I've come to learn with life is that when things get bad (because, hey, well all go through some tough shit!) you can take time for yourself to sort things out, but you never push your friends away. Well, not if they actually mean something to you. And if really, all he needed was time to sort his problems out, that's all he needed to say instead of the way he went about things. Another friend of mine thinks that he will contact me again in the future and that hopefully I'll be passed all this crap because I deserve so much better, in love and in friendship. I think so too.

I have a headache.

These last two weeks being sick has been horrible. Really.

However, I had a strange dream last night. *ok, here is where I back up and explain myself* Those who know me, know I am, for lack of a better description, a strange girl. And when I dream, you are damn skippy right they are strange. I also have prophetic dreams. A lot of the time, my dreams will actually come true-- or at least a part of them. I can dream about a person and will actually meet them in the future. Just don't call me psychic. I don't believe myself to be nor do I really believe in them. And I'm not saying that this dream will actually come true (haha). So, yeah...that's my story...back to the dream *side note: I suck at re-telling my dreams... (insert evil laugh)

The dream took place in a metropolitan-ish area. The sun was setting behind tall buildings and signs of night-life were begining to populate the streets. I was walking down a crowded avenue with a group of people some of whom I didn't know and others were "familiar strangers". I didn't recognize their faces but I did get vibes that I knew them. We were all dressed nicely and on our way to a restaurant for a birthday get-together. One of the gentlemen accompanying us began a conversation with me. He was tall, with brown hair and soft brown eyes. He had light, creamy skin and a great smile. He was british, his voice deep but gentle. I felt nervous as he moved to walk beside me but the instant he began to speak I felt a sudden rush of calm and was totally at ease. The conversation flowed easily and effortlessly, we spent the walk laughing and having a good time. We all arrived at this tiny Italian restaurant and he held the tall, heavy wooden door open for us to enter. I was the last to pass through and as I did, he grabbed me with his free hand and pulled me into him and gave me a deep kiss. I felt so overcome with passion as his warm lips found mine and pressed against them hard. He looked deep into my eyes and I had to quickly look away from the intensity. We all stood together waiting to be seated and he and I kept exchanging shy glances at eachother. Finally, at the table, he ordered a bottle of wine for everyone and looked at me and announced to everyone that there was "much to celebrate". The rest of the evening was full of laughter, great conversation and good times. The birthday girl was glowing and excited. I just remember feeling something I haven't felt in such a long time: belonging, happiness, love, togetherness, warmth and friendship. Despite being sick, I woke up in a good mood and a smile on my face.

Maybe that's the whole purpose of that dream to be filled with hope. Especially at this time when I felt so hopeless and lost. When confusion has taken over me and replaced beauty with darkness and emptiness. I take that dream and the smile it put on my face and will try to move forward in a positive manner and take care of me now. I can't mourn and grieve forever...

And with that should be the end of this entry, right? Well, no! Mwahahaha I still have a little bit more to say. I've been thinking alot lately and with everything: my job, my friends, my family, my life in general, I really think I'm going to make a giant leap for "me" kind and get the fuck outta dodge! Mama needs a change of scenery. I've been thinking of moving west. Northwest, southwest, west. I guess this is my "manifest destiny"...or maybe not. I just want to assert my need for independence and/or growth. And meeting new people and experiencing new things just might be good for me! We'll see!


The Drunk Mommy Diary said...

POrtland Oregon is my favorite place in the world. Go there. Start anew.

Velvet_Heaven said...

Ya know. That's on my list of possibilities!!!!