Tuesday, March 16, 2010

When Neither Sleeping nor Waking are Beneficial

Its such a beautiful day again today. Its been pouring almost non-stop since last night. I actually fell asleep listening to the rain. I had a couple of glasses of wine, turned off the lights, turned on some soft music, opened the blinds, relaxed....then next thing I know...Zzzzzz
I had a dream last night. Well, I have dreams every night but last night was a recurring dream. Ok, well I shouldn't say that. I've had it once before.
The problem with it is that its partly about the ex best friend of mine that I've mentioned before. The one that left me heartbroken with his douchebaggery. That dream pretty much came out of nowhere too. I hadn't thought about him for a few weeks. You can ask my sweetness (one guy who will always be a constant in my life!! He needs a nick name...). He stalks this blog! Ha ha! Kidding! I love you, buddy!
And I had gotten rid of everything that reminds me of Douchey McGee (ex bff)- pictures, all his cute texts and emails. deleted him from my messenger (as I already figured he blocked me from his- he lives on that damn thing). Anyway so I went through the usual "friend purge". And I had dreamt of him before, a few weeks ago. I had a problem where most nights I would dream about him coming to me and basically breaking down in front of me. He would just sit there and cry and cry and cry on my shoulder while I held him. Then it progressed to him crying and saying "I'm so sorry" over and over and over. Well, those finally subsided, much to my relief.
Last night I had this dream where I was initially walking through this unfamiliar, yet dimly lit shopping mall. It was full of stores I had never seen/heard of before. I'm walking around with a sort of empty/lonely feeling just looking at everything. It seems as if I'm just going through the motions of shopping. I pop into a couple of stores. I start feeling even more lonely as well as bored and cold. as I'm walking around I see a set of double-doors that leads to an outside courtyard. I approach them and as I push them open I'm blinded by a bright light that is unbearable. I shield my eyes from the light as I blindly stumble outside. I slowly begin to open my eyes, braced for the intensity of the light only to find that the light has adjusted itself and is a normal sunny day. I look around a a few groups of people, either sitting at some tables or standing around. They are all talking and laughing and having a good time. It fills me with sadness and makes me feel like I don't belong. I just begin to wander around and see off in the distance someone sitting by the edge of a lake that is backed by a huge snow-covered mountain. I start walking towards this person as they are the only one aside from me that is alone. As I get close I recognize this person immediately. Its Douchey. Even though there is no sound in this dream (which is odd for me) I know that I call his name as I feel my mouth move. He quickly turns around, smiles big and gets up. He runs over toward me. Grabs me in a huge embrace. I close my eyes and bury my head in his neck and take in his scent. When we pull apart, he takes my hand and leads me back to the lake where we sit with our feet in the water and talk and look at the mountain. The conversation seems pleasant as we laugh occassionally and give shy glances. Then I stand up, slide my shoes on and he stands up as well. We look at eachother for a moment and then he pulls me in for a huge hug and kisses me. I walk away and look back a few times to see him watching me leave.
The second part of the dream is different from the first time. The details the second time around are fuzzy. But basically that is it. And its frustrating. Oh well.
And then I have actual man problems. I think.
I met this guy a couple of weeks ago. He's sweet, very kind, funny.
Not too long after I met him he told me that he sees us married by next summer. I only wish I could've seen my own face at that. We had a talk.
Things after that were good. Hanging out, talking alot...that sort of thing. I don't know why it bothers me the way he gets excited around me or talking to me. Its not in a creepy way or anything. I don't know.
Then yesterday we started the day with our usual texting while he's at work. Half way through the day it just stops. I was expecting him to call me but when he didn't I just wanted to make sure he was ok. I called him and instead of just ringing and getting his voicemail I get a message (the pre-recorded kinds from the operator) that his phone isn't accepting calls. So I shrug it off. He calls me later that night, I don't answer since I don't know the number. He leaves a voicemail. It says that he's calling from his cousin's phone because his isn't working. Leaves me his cousin's number in case I need to reach him for anything and apologizes for it. Hmm.. I don't know what to think of that. *sigh*
At least my wine was good.

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