I've been up and I've been down. Today, down. I don't know. I had a great Saturday. I drove with a friend to a small town about an hour and a half from where I live (yes, again with the small town drives!) It was amazing. We went to this little restaurant and had the most amazing goat burger!! I'll have to write a separate post about this later.
After eating we decided to walk around some antique shops. I love that. Its always so interesting for me to see how things that once belonged to someone, perhaps things that meant the world to a person at one time end up in a jumbled mass of stuff for sale. Then people rummage through this stuff trying only to find an item that is worth alot of money. I shake my head at them. I take my time. I look at every single thing. An old cast iron, woodburning stove, a postcard with a picture of roses with a heartfelt thought carefully written in delicate flowery penmanship by one cousin to another sending well wishes and love, a tattered and well used children's book, a set of mixing bowls from the 40s- a complete set, used but somehow in almost immaculate condition. Its so amazing to me. They are not just things. They were/are a part of life. At one time any given object was present during either a specific or even a random event in somebody's life. Memories...for sale.
Can you tell I'm down?
Well this morning found me with hopes for a better day. I had my usual bacon, eggs, and fresh scratch biscuits with coffee. That was somewhat comforting. Comfort food.
I don't know. I had a really good day during the week. I started my Spring Cleaning. I love it. I go through all my things and get rid of those that are unnecessary. I thoroughly clean EVERYTHING. I go and go and go until my back hurts and my knees ache. I use every muscle in my body to bring freshness into my house. I was so happy. I had an "Angela" moment. Ya know from "My So-Called Life". There was that episode where Angela (played by Clair Danes) had woken up in the morning so over Jordan Catalano (played by a yummy Jared Leto). She started dancing around her bedroom to the Violent Femmes song, "Blister in the Sun". That was me. I woke up feeling so free. I felt like for once I could finally breathe I didn't have that sort of, kinda over it feeling laced with a heaviness like I had been feeling. I put my ipod on shuffle and cleaned and danced around to all the fast songs and sang all the slow ones. My favorite song was "Heads Will Roll" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
At one point I happened to glance out the window and saw a scraggly little tree in the distance. It wasn't green and blooming like the others. It was small, grey and devoid of leaves. It was as if Winter's embrace would not let go. At first I thought I might be like that tree. Then a crow landed on the top branch. It just settled and sat there. On this particular day the wind blew fiercely. I could hear it shaking the screens on my windows. A soft "woosh" sound surrounded the house. Each strong gust threatened to throw the bird from the tree. The tree danced wildly back and forth, each and every limb flailing with such violent movements. And the crow foolishly and stubbornly clung to that top branch, never waivering. That was me. Though the tree was making obvious attempts to rid itself of the burden brought by the weight of the crow, the crow was unyielding. It wanted to remain in that spot, happy for whatever reason. The tree didn't want it. The tree was unhappy with the presence of the crow. Either the crow was blissfully ignorant or just didn't care. The tree wanted to be free, the crow wanted to settle and rest. Finally the crow flew away and surprisingly the wind subsided and the tree stood still. *I decided to turn that experience into a short story. I'm almost done with it. Just a side note.
It just made me feel down. I thought of a song that Douchey (the ex bff) sent me from Shinedown, "The Crow and the Butterfly"
And then it made me think of how it was all like a domino effect. First he pulled away and then slowly all my other friends are pulling away. I don't talk to anyone lately. With the exception of one person. Ok well I can't escape the people I live with. That's one good thing. But I guess I just feel alone. Especially at a time when I don't want to. And I hate that maybe I'm not 100% over losing Douchey. I want to be. I need to be. He's moved on I'm sure. Why can't I? Did he mean more to me than I did to him? Is that what makes it easier?