I've been up and I've been down. Today, down. I don't know. I had a great Saturday. I drove with a friend to a small town about an hour and a half from where I live (yes, again with the small town drives!) It was amazing. We went to this little restaurant and had the most amazing goat burger!! I'll have to write a separate post about this later.
After eating we decided to walk around some antique shops. I love that. Its always so interesting for me to see how things that once belonged to someone, perhaps things that meant the world to a person at one time end up in a jumbled mass of stuff for sale. Then people rummage through this stuff trying only to find an item that is worth alot of money. I shake my head at them. I take my time. I look at every single thing. An old cast iron, woodburning stove, a postcard with a picture of roses with a heartfelt thought carefully written in delicate flowery penmanship by one cousin to another sending well wishes and love, a tattered and well used children's book, a set of mixing bowls from the 40s- a complete set, used but somehow in almost immaculate condition. Its so amazing to me. They are not just things. They were/are a part of life. At one time any given object was present during either a specific or even a random event in somebody's life. Memories...for sale.
Can you tell I'm down?
Well this morning found me with hopes for a better day. I had my usual bacon, eggs, and fresh scratch biscuits with coffee. That was somewhat comforting. Comfort food.
I don't know. I had a really good day during the week. I started my Spring Cleaning. I love it. I go through all my things and get rid of those that are unnecessary. I thoroughly clean EVERYTHING. I go and go and go until my back hurts and my knees ache. I use every muscle in my body to bring freshness into my house. I was so happy. I had an "Angela" moment. Ya know from "My So-Called Life". There was that episode where Angela (played by Clair Danes) had woken up in the morning so over Jordan Catalano (played by a yummy Jared Leto). She started dancing around her bedroom to the Violent Femmes song, "Blister in the Sun". That was me. I woke up feeling so free. I felt like for once I could finally breathe I didn't have that sort of, kinda over it feeling laced with a heaviness like I had been feeling. I put my ipod on shuffle and cleaned and danced around to all the fast songs and sang all the slow ones. My favorite song was "Heads Will Roll" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
At one point I happened to glance out the window and saw a scraggly little tree in the distance. It wasn't green and blooming like the others. It was small, grey and devoid of leaves. It was as if Winter's embrace would not let go. At first I thought I might be like that tree. Then a crow landed on the top branch. It just settled and sat there. On this particular day the wind blew fiercely. I could hear it shaking the screens on my windows. A soft "woosh" sound surrounded the house. Each strong gust threatened to throw the bird from the tree. The tree danced wildly back and forth, each and every limb flailing with such violent movements. And the crow foolishly and stubbornly clung to that top branch, never waivering. That was me. Though the tree was making obvious attempts to rid itself of the burden brought by the weight of the crow, the crow was unyielding. It wanted to remain in that spot, happy for whatever reason. The tree didn't want it. The tree was unhappy with the presence of the crow. Either the crow was blissfully ignorant or just didn't care. The tree wanted to be free, the crow wanted to settle and rest. Finally the crow flew away and surprisingly the wind subsided and the tree stood still. *I decided to turn that experience into a short story. I'm almost done with it. Just a side note.
It just made me feel down. I thought of a song that Douchey (the ex bff) sent me from Shinedown, "The Crow and the Butterfly"
And then it made me think of how it was all like a domino effect. First he pulled away and then slowly all my other friends are pulling away. I don't talk to anyone lately. With the exception of one person. Ok well I can't escape the people I live with. That's one good thing. But I guess I just feel alone. Especially at a time when I don't want to. And I hate that maybe I'm not 100% over losing Douchey. I want to be. I need to be. He's moved on I'm sure. Why can't I? Did he mean more to me than I did to him? Is that what makes it easier?
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Slightly Incoherent Rambling
Well, as per the request of My Sweetness (my blog stalker), I'm writing another post. Apparently he gets cranky if I don't post regularly...psshhh.
Life has been pretty tame lately. I think. Well as far as anything that I'd blog about.
The weather has been odd for the most part. We've had a couple of days where its been sunny and warm and spring-like then it gets cold and rains for a bit. I'm sick. Not sick of the weather but the weather is making me sick. I have had a cough since winter that won't subside. The doc says to just take cough medicine (really?? is that ALL I have to do? wow...). I hate cough medicine. I don't like medicine much in general. Eh. Then my allergies are killing me. They make my mouth dry and my eyes itchy. It'll all go away someday! Ha!
But I did go for a drive yesterday afternoon. I love just going for drives on the weekends. I don't know about other states but in Texas we have few major cities and a ton of little towns in between, each with its own little charm and salsa that is above anything I've ever had. Seriously. You can visit any little town in Texas and its almost guaranteed that you will find some sort of homemade salsa in a General Store. And its always AMAZING. So far my favorite has been this peach salsa I found in a town, oh say, two hours from here. And bakeries with the most amazing sweets you'll ever have.
Hmm, maybe I should do this when I have my stuff together (like my head) and organize my pictures from my various little trips. I shall...indeed I shall.
And yesterday morning found me making muffins. I heart muffins. I made banana nut with cinnamon crumb topping.
Now I'm hungry.
Life has been pretty tame lately. I think. Well as far as anything that I'd blog about.
The weather has been odd for the most part. We've had a couple of days where its been sunny and warm and spring-like then it gets cold and rains for a bit. I'm sick. Not sick of the weather but the weather is making me sick. I have had a cough since winter that won't subside. The doc says to just take cough medicine (really?? is that ALL I have to do? wow...). I hate cough medicine. I don't like medicine much in general. Eh. Then my allergies are killing me. They make my mouth dry and my eyes itchy. It'll all go away someday! Ha!
But I did go for a drive yesterday afternoon. I love just going for drives on the weekends. I don't know about other states but in Texas we have few major cities and a ton of little towns in between, each with its own little charm and salsa that is above anything I've ever had. Seriously. You can visit any little town in Texas and its almost guaranteed that you will find some sort of homemade salsa in a General Store. And its always AMAZING. So far my favorite has been this peach salsa I found in a town, oh say, two hours from here. And bakeries with the most amazing sweets you'll ever have.
Hmm, maybe I should do this when I have my stuff together (like my head) and organize my pictures from my various little trips. I shall...indeed I shall.
And yesterday morning found me making muffins. I heart muffins. I made banana nut with cinnamon crumb topping.
Now I'm hungry.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
When Neither Sleeping nor Waking are Beneficial
Its such a beautiful day again today. Its been pouring almost non-stop since last night. I actually fell asleep listening to the rain. I had a couple of glasses of wine, turned off the lights, turned on some soft music, opened the blinds, relaxed....then next thing I know...Zzzzzz
Sexy
Until...
I had a dream last night. Well, I have dreams every night but last night was a recurring dream. Ok, well I shouldn't say that. I've had it once before.
The problem with it is that its partly about the ex best friend of mine that I've mentioned before. The one that left me heartbroken with his douchebaggery. That dream pretty much came out of nowhere too. I hadn't thought about him for a few weeks. You can ask my sweetness (one guy who will always be a constant in my life!! He needs a nick name...). He stalks this blog! Ha ha! Kidding! I love you, buddy!
And I had gotten rid of everything that reminds me of Douchey McGee (ex bff)- pictures, all his cute texts and emails. deleted him from my messenger (as I already figured he blocked me from his- he lives on that damn thing). Anyway so I went through the usual "friend purge". And I had dreamt of him before, a few weeks ago. I had a problem where most nights I would dream about him coming to me and basically breaking down in front of me. He would just sit there and cry and cry and cry on my shoulder while I held him. Then it progressed to him crying and saying "I'm so sorry" over and over and over. Well, those finally subsided, much to my relief.
Last night I had this dream where I was initially walking through this unfamiliar, yet dimly lit shopping mall. It was full of stores I had never seen/heard of before. I'm walking around with a sort of empty/lonely feeling just looking at everything. It seems as if I'm just going through the motions of shopping. I pop into a couple of stores. I start feeling even more lonely as well as bored and cold. as I'm walking around I see a set of double-doors that leads to an outside courtyard. I approach them and as I push them open I'm blinded by a bright light that is unbearable. I shield my eyes from the light as I blindly stumble outside. I slowly begin to open my eyes, braced for the intensity of the light only to find that the light has adjusted itself and is a normal sunny day. I look around a a few groups of people, either sitting at some tables or standing around. They are all talking and laughing and having a good time. It fills me with sadness and makes me feel like I don't belong. I just begin to wander around and see off in the distance someone sitting by the edge of a lake that is backed by a huge snow-covered mountain. I start walking towards this person as they are the only one aside from me that is alone. As I get close I recognize this person immediately. Its Douchey. Even though there is no sound in this dream (which is odd for me) I know that I call his name as I feel my mouth move. He quickly turns around, smiles big and gets up. He runs over toward me. Grabs me in a huge embrace. I close my eyes and bury my head in his neck and take in his scent. When we pull apart, he takes my hand and leads me back to the lake where we sit with our feet in the water and talk and look at the mountain. The conversation seems pleasant as we laugh occassionally and give shy glances. Then I stand up, slide my shoes on and he stands up as well. We look at eachother for a moment and then he pulls me in for a huge hug and kisses me. I walk away and look back a few times to see him watching me leave.
The second part of the dream is different from the first time. The details the second time around are fuzzy. But basically that is it. And its frustrating. Oh well.
And then I have actual man problems. I think.
I met this guy a couple of weeks ago. He's sweet, very kind, funny.
Not too long after I met him he told me that he sees us married by next summer. I only wish I could've seen my own face at that. We had a talk.
Things after that were good. Hanging out, talking alot...that sort of thing. I don't know why it bothers me the way he gets excited around me or talking to me. Its not in a creepy way or anything. I don't know.
Then yesterday we started the day with our usual texting while he's at work. Half way through the day it just stops. I was expecting him to call me but when he didn't I just wanted to make sure he was ok. I called him and instead of just ringing and getting his voicemail I get a message (the pre-recorded kinds from the operator) that his phone isn't accepting calls. So I shrug it off. He calls me later that night, I don't answer since I don't know the number. He leaves a voicemail. It says that he's calling from his cousin's phone because his isn't working. Leaves me his cousin's number in case I need to reach him for anything and apologizes for it. Hmm.. I don't know what to think of that. *sigh*
At least my wine was good.
Sexy
Until...
I had a dream last night. Well, I have dreams every night but last night was a recurring dream. Ok, well I shouldn't say that. I've had it once before.
The problem with it is that its partly about the ex best friend of mine that I've mentioned before. The one that left me heartbroken with his douchebaggery. That dream pretty much came out of nowhere too. I hadn't thought about him for a few weeks. You can ask my sweetness (one guy who will always be a constant in my life!! He needs a nick name...). He stalks this blog! Ha ha! Kidding! I love you, buddy!
And I had gotten rid of everything that reminds me of Douchey McGee (ex bff)- pictures, all his cute texts and emails. deleted him from my messenger (as I already figured he blocked me from his- he lives on that damn thing). Anyway so I went through the usual "friend purge". And I had dreamt of him before, a few weeks ago. I had a problem where most nights I would dream about him coming to me and basically breaking down in front of me. He would just sit there and cry and cry and cry on my shoulder while I held him. Then it progressed to him crying and saying "I'm so sorry" over and over and over. Well, those finally subsided, much to my relief.
Last night I had this dream where I was initially walking through this unfamiliar, yet dimly lit shopping mall. It was full of stores I had never seen/heard of before. I'm walking around with a sort of empty/lonely feeling just looking at everything. It seems as if I'm just going through the motions of shopping. I pop into a couple of stores. I start feeling even more lonely as well as bored and cold. as I'm walking around I see a set of double-doors that leads to an outside courtyard. I approach them and as I push them open I'm blinded by a bright light that is unbearable. I shield my eyes from the light as I blindly stumble outside. I slowly begin to open my eyes, braced for the intensity of the light only to find that the light has adjusted itself and is a normal sunny day. I look around a a few groups of people, either sitting at some tables or standing around. They are all talking and laughing and having a good time. It fills me with sadness and makes me feel like I don't belong. I just begin to wander around and see off in the distance someone sitting by the edge of a lake that is backed by a huge snow-covered mountain. I start walking towards this person as they are the only one aside from me that is alone. As I get close I recognize this person immediately. Its Douchey. Even though there is no sound in this dream (which is odd for me) I know that I call his name as I feel my mouth move. He quickly turns around, smiles big and gets up. He runs over toward me. Grabs me in a huge embrace. I close my eyes and bury my head in his neck and take in his scent. When we pull apart, he takes my hand and leads me back to the lake where we sit with our feet in the water and talk and look at the mountain. The conversation seems pleasant as we laugh occassionally and give shy glances. Then I stand up, slide my shoes on and he stands up as well. We look at eachother for a moment and then he pulls me in for a huge hug and kisses me. I walk away and look back a few times to see him watching me leave.
The second part of the dream is different from the first time. The details the second time around are fuzzy. But basically that is it. And its frustrating. Oh well.
And then I have actual man problems. I think.
I met this guy a couple of weeks ago. He's sweet, very kind, funny.
Not too long after I met him he told me that he sees us married by next summer. I only wish I could've seen my own face at that. We had a talk.
Things after that were good. Hanging out, talking alot...that sort of thing. I don't know why it bothers me the way he gets excited around me or talking to me. Its not in a creepy way or anything. I don't know.
Then yesterday we started the day with our usual texting while he's at work. Half way through the day it just stops. I was expecting him to call me but when he didn't I just wanted to make sure he was ok. I called him and instead of just ringing and getting his voicemail I get a message (the pre-recorded kinds from the operator) that his phone isn't accepting calls. So I shrug it off. He calls me later that night, I don't answer since I don't know the number. He leaves a voicemail. It says that he's calling from his cousin's phone because his isn't working. Leaves me his cousin's number in case I need to reach him for anything and apologizes for it. Hmm.. I don't know what to think of that. *sigh*
At least my wine was good.
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Strange Girl Goes to a Strange Birthday Party
Waking up this morning was nice. Its dark, gray and beautiful out, albeit a little humid. I liked my weekend.
I attended a house party. Those are always interesting and fun. A friend of mine invited me as she and her roommates (members of a local band) were hosting a birthday party for one of their band members. And even though I had not previously met the birthday boy, I was still stoked to go because I get along great with that group of people. Add to that mix a rare thing for me: drinking. Good times were had by all, mostly.
The night started out great, lots of laughing and talking and, well, mixing drinks. I met quite a few people that I hadn't before, so it was nice getting to know new folk. And I think what makes people comfortable with me is that in social situations I come across as confident and approachable. I can maintain a conversation with anyone. Quite frankly I think that attitude has alot to do with my getting ready. I always dress to impress...me. When I pick something out to wear it is never with the thought of "Will people think I look hot in this?" its always about me being pleased with how I look. That's the most important thing. I want to make sure I feel comfortable. That's all. When I do, I'm relaxed and in turn, I guess that makes others feel relaxed. So everyone wins! Bonus! Of course its confusing too.
That kind of thing has its ups and downs.
At one point I was chatting with this girl. She was blonde with sleepy, but amazing green eyes and a diamond in her nose. We were out on the back patio where guests go to smoke. She's telling me about how she's been trying to quit smoking. I applaud her efforts because, well, I think its awesome when people try to do things for the benefit of health (ok, so it seems hypocritical seeing as how we're drunk...). She then begins to change the conversation into how great she thinks I am which then turns into her hitting on me. I'll NEVER complain about a hot girl hitting on me. And even though I was hoping maybe I'd get to kiss her a bit, I was whisked away by a friend to be introduced to some other people. Which is still ok. That girl went the rest of the night telling people how awesome I am every time she saw me around. And really, seeing her eyeing me from across the room at times stirred up some...desires. All in all not a bad feeling.
Wow. I kinda sound conceited, don't I?
Well, as a side, I've always been the girl with low self-esteem, even now I suffer a little bit of that. But having changed physically from what I once was, I'm growing comfortable with how I look which gives me confidence and a better self esteem which I guess becomes noticeable to others which then leads to attention. I'm not in any way an attention-whore but I do like when I find people attractive and they find the same in return. But of course the only thing that matters is that first and foremost I like me. I'm just enjoying seeing how I feel about myself effects how other people feel about me. Its my time of exploration. Mama, I'm becoming a woman.
So really even though this is mostly about going to a party, its also about putting down and analyzing my interactions with others and their reactions to me. And that gets interesting...
Early in the evening I notice (because its not hard to notice a 6ft 7in tall guy who is extremely skinny. Seriously, one of his legs was almost 1/3 the size of one of mine and well, anyone else's too! My gawking is interrupted by my friend asking me if I'd go with her to get something to eat. We all know drinking isn't good for you, but even worse is drinking on an empty stomach. Eating something, especially a fatty food like hamburgers, will slow down the absorption rate of alcohol in the blood. (wow, I can't believe I remember that from a course I took in college for my culinary degree) My friend asks her roommates if they'd like anything as well seeing as how they mostly spent their time preparing for the night and skipped dinner. Tall Guy wants to go with us. Since he's tall he gets to ride shotgun while I retire to the back of the car, shoving aside various junk littering the backseat. But I'm happy that one of the roommates left their A Perfect Circle CD playing so we had awesome tunes for the short trip. However Tall Guy decides he wants to talk to us about a Dildo business he's starting up. Its kinda creepy.
I was happy to return to the house and join less creepy people. The unfortunate thing is that Tall Guy decides to periodically follow me throughout the night. This included cornering me in the kitchen and telling me about his nipple fetish. It was something like: "I have this thing about nipples. Unlike other guys, I like to spend quite a bit of time on a girl's nipples. I take my time with them, sucking, biting, licking them. And I don't have a thing just about girl's nipples, also my own. I'm into nipple clamps and hooking them up to batteries for shocking." At this point a couple of others present were laughing because I was covering up my own chest with my hands. But those guys did come to my rescue so I can't be mad at them for laughing. Bastards. I make my escape but it doesn't end there, he decides to sit with me for a while later. I was kinda glad when he left. Poor guy. Still creepy.
The rest of the night was great. I met a funny EMT whom I made laugh to the point where he was crying which I later found out was a good thing since he's usually the funny one and its hard to make him laugh. Then one of the guys in the band, recognized him right away because a friend in high school had a horrible crush on the guy even though he didn't know she existed. Ironically he knew I did. I was chatting with his wife and he stood there staring at me then said "you know what? you look so familar!" Not wanting to be weird, I just said "Yeah, you do too" pretending to think about where I could possibly know him from. Then he mentioned high school and I pretended to think a bit more then have a moment of realization. Ha ha! But its nice to know I wasn't such an invisible nerd back then. *facepalm
There was a couple (whose names I'm keeping out of this, but just know that the guy has a common girl's name and the girl has a common guy's name) that are expecting their first child together. They are so funny and quite frankly I think the guy is super hot. I spent quite a bit of time talking with them and feeling hopeful for the future (theirs and mine) as he excitedly talked about being a father soon. He was so worried about being a parent and talked to me about his worries and fears. Especially that he wouldn't be a good father. I told him that it seems he will be considering that he's even thinking of such things and that he's planning for the arrival. He's very commited to his girlfriend and the impending wee one. *looks at watch and wonders how long it will be until I find a guy who'll be that in love with me* ha!
I think that perhaps my favorite thing was meeting this guy who was amazing to talk to. I was introduced to him early in the night and didn't really pay too much attention to him. It wasn't until I started talking with him on an otherwise empty patio that I thought "hey this guy is kinda cute". And we had a great conversation. Then I made eyes at him, he made eyes at me and I thought he would actually kiss me. Then came Super Hot Soon to be Dad from earlier. He wanted to smoke. But we both hung around and talked with him. It was nice that Cute Guy stood next to me the entire time. I mean shoulder to shoulder. Nice. Until my best friend came drunkenly spilling out onto the patio with her drama whisking me away and honestly, embarassing me. But they know her and how she is when she gets drunk (which is rare for her too).
After trying to calm her down and sort out that drama I just decided to leave. I was never so glad to climb into my own bed. *sigh* What a night!
I attended a house party. Those are always interesting and fun. A friend of mine invited me as she and her roommates (members of a local band) were hosting a birthday party for one of their band members. And even though I had not previously met the birthday boy, I was still stoked to go because I get along great with that group of people. Add to that mix a rare thing for me: drinking. Good times were had by all, mostly.
The night started out great, lots of laughing and talking and, well, mixing drinks. I met quite a few people that I hadn't before, so it was nice getting to know new folk. And I think what makes people comfortable with me is that in social situations I come across as confident and approachable. I can maintain a conversation with anyone. Quite frankly I think that attitude has alot to do with my getting ready. I always dress to impress...me. When I pick something out to wear it is never with the thought of "Will people think I look hot in this?" its always about me being pleased with how I look. That's the most important thing. I want to make sure I feel comfortable. That's all. When I do, I'm relaxed and in turn, I guess that makes others feel relaxed. So everyone wins! Bonus! Of course its confusing too.
That kind of thing has its ups and downs.
At one point I was chatting with this girl. She was blonde with sleepy, but amazing green eyes and a diamond in her nose. We were out on the back patio where guests go to smoke. She's telling me about how she's been trying to quit smoking. I applaud her efforts because, well, I think its awesome when people try to do things for the benefit of health (ok, so it seems hypocritical seeing as how we're drunk...). She then begins to change the conversation into how great she thinks I am which then turns into her hitting on me. I'll NEVER complain about a hot girl hitting on me. And even though I was hoping maybe I'd get to kiss her a bit, I was whisked away by a friend to be introduced to some other people. Which is still ok. That girl went the rest of the night telling people how awesome I am every time she saw me around. And really, seeing her eyeing me from across the room at times stirred up some...desires. All in all not a bad feeling.
Wow. I kinda sound conceited, don't I?
Well, as a side, I've always been the girl with low self-esteem, even now I suffer a little bit of that. But having changed physically from what I once was, I'm growing comfortable with how I look which gives me confidence and a better self esteem which I guess becomes noticeable to others which then leads to attention. I'm not in any way an attention-whore but I do like when I find people attractive and they find the same in return. But of course the only thing that matters is that first and foremost I like me. I'm just enjoying seeing how I feel about myself effects how other people feel about me. Its my time of exploration. Mama, I'm becoming a woman.
So really even though this is mostly about going to a party, its also about putting down and analyzing my interactions with others and their reactions to me. And that gets interesting...
Early in the evening I notice (because its not hard to notice a 6ft 7in tall guy who is extremely skinny. Seriously, one of his legs was almost 1/3 the size of one of mine and well, anyone else's too! My gawking is interrupted by my friend asking me if I'd go with her to get something to eat. We all know drinking isn't good for you, but even worse is drinking on an empty stomach. Eating something, especially a fatty food like hamburgers, will slow down the absorption rate of alcohol in the blood. (wow, I can't believe I remember that from a course I took in college for my culinary degree) My friend asks her roommates if they'd like anything as well seeing as how they mostly spent their time preparing for the night and skipped dinner. Tall Guy wants to go with us. Since he's tall he gets to ride shotgun while I retire to the back of the car, shoving aside various junk littering the backseat. But I'm happy that one of the roommates left their A Perfect Circle CD playing so we had awesome tunes for the short trip. However Tall Guy decides he wants to talk to us about a Dildo business he's starting up. Its kinda creepy.
I was happy to return to the house and join less creepy people. The unfortunate thing is that Tall Guy decides to periodically follow me throughout the night. This included cornering me in the kitchen and telling me about his nipple fetish. It was something like: "I have this thing about nipples. Unlike other guys, I like to spend quite a bit of time on a girl's nipples. I take my time with them, sucking, biting, licking them. And I don't have a thing just about girl's nipples, also my own. I'm into nipple clamps and hooking them up to batteries for shocking." At this point a couple of others present were laughing because I was covering up my own chest with my hands. But those guys did come to my rescue so I can't be mad at them for laughing. Bastards. I make my escape but it doesn't end there, he decides to sit with me for a while later. I was kinda glad when he left. Poor guy. Still creepy.
The rest of the night was great. I met a funny EMT whom I made laugh to the point where he was crying which I later found out was a good thing since he's usually the funny one and its hard to make him laugh. Then one of the guys in the band, recognized him right away because a friend in high school had a horrible crush on the guy even though he didn't know she existed. Ironically he knew I did. I was chatting with his wife and he stood there staring at me then said "you know what? you look so familar!" Not wanting to be weird, I just said "Yeah, you do too" pretending to think about where I could possibly know him from. Then he mentioned high school and I pretended to think a bit more then have a moment of realization. Ha ha! But its nice to know I wasn't such an invisible nerd back then. *facepalm
There was a couple (whose names I'm keeping out of this, but just know that the guy has a common girl's name and the girl has a common guy's name) that are expecting their first child together. They are so funny and quite frankly I think the guy is super hot. I spent quite a bit of time talking with them and feeling hopeful for the future (theirs and mine) as he excitedly talked about being a father soon. He was so worried about being a parent and talked to me about his worries and fears. Especially that he wouldn't be a good father. I told him that it seems he will be considering that he's even thinking of such things and that he's planning for the arrival. He's very commited to his girlfriend and the impending wee one. *looks at watch and wonders how long it will be until I find a guy who'll be that in love with me* ha!
I think that perhaps my favorite thing was meeting this guy who was amazing to talk to. I was introduced to him early in the night and didn't really pay too much attention to him. It wasn't until I started talking with him on an otherwise empty patio that I thought "hey this guy is kinda cute". And we had a great conversation. Then I made eyes at him, he made eyes at me and I thought he would actually kiss me. Then came Super Hot Soon to be Dad from earlier. He wanted to smoke. But we both hung around and talked with him. It was nice that Cute Guy stood next to me the entire time. I mean shoulder to shoulder. Nice. Until my best friend came drunkenly spilling out onto the patio with her drama whisking me away and honestly, embarassing me. But they know her and how she is when she gets drunk (which is rare for her too).
After trying to calm her down and sort out that drama I just decided to leave. I was never so glad to climb into my own bed. *sigh* What a night!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The World Needs Your Wisdom...
...That's what my horoscope said.
Fortunate seeing as how I'm a wise fool.
*sigh* Ok, where to begin. Well, on the roller coaster of life, after hitting a wonderful high, I'm now on a descent. Not to be confused with decent. Remember, kids, descents are not decent! (Oh, where is my mind today...).
Ordinarily, with the way things are going this sort of downhill turn of events should be huge. However, it just seems like this is a little dip in the coaster. I won't be lifting off my seat or feeling as if the wind is knocked out of me. Hopefully, that will be a good thing.
There are a few things going on at the moment, some of which I'll delve into and others I'd rather leave out of the mix, for now, as I'm still trying to really pinpoint them or make plans on how to best effectively deal with them. And that means that I like to internalize them and sit with the feeling to come up with the best solution. That doesn't have to make sense to you, gentle reader, just know mama's got this!
Ok, so the issue thats plaguing me the most: separation.
I've been feeling, lately, people pulling away from me. Some vibes feel as if they are slowly moving towards being permanent and others, temporary. I hate the ones that feel permanent. Especially, and specifically, with one of the persons I get the vibe from. But if it is true, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. *shrug* People come in and out of our lives for a reason. No matter the experience (good or bad) we can only hope to learn from their presence. And I've learned alot.
My mind is a-racin'.
I'm still trying to figure out what I'm meant to do with my life. Really. I know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I like to write, I'd love to be published someday. Too, I love music. One thing I really love is to sing. I sing in the shower and in the car and with my friends. All the time. The problem: I can't sing. Haha! Its funny, and maybe a little sad, but its true. *facepalm
I may have excellent organizational skills, can compose/type up a letter/report/document like nobody's business, speak formally to the point you may think I've had years of schooling and/or etitquette classes. One thing is for damn sure, an office life is not for me. Ever again. Period.
I will remain positive that I may accomplish all that I want in life and not let anybody or anything bring me down!
And even though me talking about music isn't really the greatest thing, I gotta do it, man. I've mentioned before that I love Ray LaMontagne. You probably don't know who the hell this is, but if you listen to "Trouble" or "You are the Best Thing" or even "All the Wild Horses" you might think "Oh, I've heard that somewhere before!" Maybe. This guy has been out there for a number of years now. He has three studio releases: Trouble, Til the Sun Turns Black and most recently, Gossip in the Grain. I happen to not only think he's one of the most beautiful men in the world, he's an AMAZING musician, singer/songwriter whatever you prefer to call him, if anything.
Anyway.
He also has a couple of independant releases: One Lonesome Saddle, The Green Demo, Introducing Raycharles LaMontagne and Acre of Land. These are incredibly hard to find. I have all his songs though. I'm a happy girl. I love all three of his major releases, that goes without saying, but I do have to say that some of my absolute favorite songs are from these lesser known albums. This blog will no doubt be peppered with Ray LaMontagne. Here is the first taste, I think. One song that gets me is "I Can Get High". The lyrics for this song are just wonderful. They blow me away everytime.
I think a good accomplishment in my life has been seeing him in concert in Austin in 2008 and getting to meet him. Chatting with him for a while was more than words can explain. He's so down-to-earth and easy to talk to. I loved it. Genius.
Fortunate seeing as how I'm a wise fool.
*sigh* Ok, where to begin. Well, on the roller coaster of life, after hitting a wonderful high, I'm now on a descent. Not to be confused with decent. Remember, kids, descents are not decent! (Oh, where is my mind today...).
Ordinarily, with the way things are going this sort of downhill turn of events should be huge. However, it just seems like this is a little dip in the coaster. I won't be lifting off my seat or feeling as if the wind is knocked out of me. Hopefully, that will be a good thing.
There are a few things going on at the moment, some of which I'll delve into and others I'd rather leave out of the mix, for now, as I'm still trying to really pinpoint them or make plans on how to best effectively deal with them. And that means that I like to internalize them and sit with the feeling to come up with the best solution. That doesn't have to make sense to you, gentle reader, just know mama's got this!
Ok, so the issue thats plaguing me the most: separation.
I've been feeling, lately, people pulling away from me. Some vibes feel as if they are slowly moving towards being permanent and others, temporary. I hate the ones that feel permanent. Especially, and specifically, with one of the persons I get the vibe from. But if it is true, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. *shrug* People come in and out of our lives for a reason. No matter the experience (good or bad) we can only hope to learn from their presence. And I've learned alot.
My mind is a-racin'.
I'm still trying to figure out what I'm meant to do with my life. Really. I know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I like to write, I'd love to be published someday. Too, I love music. One thing I really love is to sing. I sing in the shower and in the car and with my friends. All the time. The problem: I can't sing. Haha! Its funny, and maybe a little sad, but its true. *facepalm
I may have excellent organizational skills, can compose/type up a letter/report/document like nobody's business, speak formally to the point you may think I've had years of schooling and/or etitquette classes. One thing is for damn sure, an office life is not for me. Ever again. Period.
I will remain positive that I may accomplish all that I want in life and not let anybody or anything bring me down!
And even though me talking about music isn't really the greatest thing, I gotta do it, man. I've mentioned before that I love Ray LaMontagne. You probably don't know who the hell this is, but if you listen to "Trouble" or "You are the Best Thing" or even "All the Wild Horses" you might think "Oh, I've heard that somewhere before!" Maybe. This guy has been out there for a number of years now. He has three studio releases: Trouble, Til the Sun Turns Black and most recently, Gossip in the Grain. I happen to not only think he's one of the most beautiful men in the world, he's an AMAZING musician, singer/songwriter whatever you prefer to call him, if anything.
Anyway.
He also has a couple of independant releases: One Lonesome Saddle, The Green Demo, Introducing Raycharles LaMontagne and Acre of Land. These are incredibly hard to find. I have all his songs though. I'm a happy girl. I love all three of his major releases, that goes without saying, but I do have to say that some of my absolute favorite songs are from these lesser known albums. This blog will no doubt be peppered with Ray LaMontagne. Here is the first taste, I think. One song that gets me is "I Can Get High". The lyrics for this song are just wonderful. They blow me away everytime.
I think a good accomplishment in my life has been seeing him in concert in Austin in 2008 and getting to meet him. Chatting with him for a while was more than words can explain. He's so down-to-earth and easy to talk to. I loved it. Genius.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Music on a Sunny Tuesday
Ok, so there has been a song that I can't stop listening to lately. I mean its a song that has absolutely moved me. Its called "Momma Sed" by Puscifer. For those not in the know, Puscifer is yet another band fronted by one Mr. Maynard James Keenan. His other, more known, bands are Tool and A Perfect Circle (both of which I absolutely adore).
The first time I heard this song was on the "V is for Vagina" album. It was a mix that was fairly decent and really, the album artwork is...awesome!
The first time I heard this song was on the "V is for Vagina" album. It was a mix that was fairly decent and really, the album artwork is...awesome!
Fun for the whole family, eh?
Sweet, eh? So, anyway, it didn't really move me. It wasn't until I heard the live version on the "C is for (Please insert sophomoric genitalia reference here)" - yes, that's really the name of the album- that I fell in love with this song. It was soft and slow and melodic. I could really hear the lyrics and it made sense. It was just a wonderfully written song that sounds so downtrodden or maybe melancholy but once you really pay attention to the lyrics its quite positive and is about moving on.
No, your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed a roll of toilet paper with a thought bubble that says: "LOL!"
Sheer genius!
I think what really sealed the deal was when I saw Puscifer live in Phoenix, AZ in December. Hearing that song live was absolutely amazing. Words couldn't describe the atmosphere in the room at that moment. The eerie quietness of the audience and just the music filling the venue. Amazing. I think I almost cried. That song and "The Humbling River" live were just touching. Mostly the other songs are..silly to say the least but still entertaining. However, he really does strike a chord when he writes so honestly and from the heart. And I hear he makes good wine! Hmm, shamelessly promoting the guy...is this the written equivalent of going down on him??? I jest! Anyway so I managed to find both versions of "Momma Sed" on YouTube and will post them both...now
This first video is the version that is fairly, "meh" to me. Don't get me wrong, its still kinda awesome.
This second one is the live version. Just so freakin' wonderful!
I'm done blowing him now. Ha!
But as I've mentioned before I love music and when I find something that evokes an emotional response, its 20 shades of exciting.
Friday, March 5, 2010
"Didn't you watch Boys in the Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot!"
Happy Friday! Wait, it is Friday, right? Hmm, I've officially been out sick from work (per doctor's orders) for so long now I've lost track of time...already! And then I say 'Happy Friday' and then someone reads this on, say, a Saturday or Sunday or what have you and they are thinking "Sheese, what an idiot, its (insert current day of the week at that time)!" And then I say 'Yeah, well, you know what?? You, sir/madam, are the idiot! It was what I believe to be Friday when I posted so bite your tongue Mr./Ms.!!!'
So now that I've gotten my random, psychotic intro out of the way...
What is on my agenda for this loverly Friday? It is a beautiful day here today, btw. Its cool-ish, cloudy and grey...albeit a bit humid so my hair is...yeah...
Well today finds me with my hand deep in a bowl of Almonds (raw and unsalted--I hate salt with a passion), curled up on the couch, net book in my lap and a stack of DVDs at my side. The DVDs are in the order in which I want to watch them. Most of them are girl movies, which, normally I don't care for, but I'm in that kinda mood. All I need is a bottle of wine. A sweet wine. Anyway, back to movies...
They are as follows:
1. Vicky Christina Barcelona
2. The Holiday
3. Zach and Miri Make a Porno
4. Casablanca
5. Groundhog Day
6. Paranormal Activity
7. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
And currently playing: Swingers!!!!
So now that I've gotten my random, psychotic intro out of the way...
What is on my agenda for this loverly Friday? It is a beautiful day here today, btw. Its cool-ish, cloudy and grey...albeit a bit humid so my hair is...yeah...
Well today finds me with my hand deep in a bowl of Almonds (raw and unsalted--I hate salt with a passion), curled up on the couch, net book in my lap and a stack of DVDs at my side. The DVDs are in the order in which I want to watch them. Most of them are girl movies, which, normally I don't care for, but I'm in that kinda mood. All I need is a bottle of wine. A sweet wine. Anyway, back to movies...
They are as follows:
1. Vicky Christina Barcelona
2. The Holiday
3. Zach and Miri Make a Porno
4. Casablanca
5. Groundhog Day
6. Paranormal Activity
7. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
And currently playing: Swingers!!!!
Aren't they so money?
I can't even begin to explain how awesome I think this movie is...ok, I'll try.
Usually this is my "I've just broken up with someone" movie. I watch it and cry and wonder if men really do have feelings like women and as portrayed in the movie. Or is Jon Favreau the only one?
But I digress...
I love the opening scene where Mr. Favreau and a very super-uber sexy Ron Livingston are in the diner. I have found that what "Rob" (as played by Mr. Livingston") says, "Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget", is absolutely true. Then I cry a little harder and pray to forget so whoever can come back and I can be whole and happy again. Isn't it amazing what delusions heartbreak can create?
Here's what really happens*:
Week 1:
Cry
Watch Swingers almost nonstop
Eat chocolate (like I don't shovel it in by the truck load already)
Wish, hope, pray that Ex Lover will come crawling back and realize that I'm the perfect girl
Journal about said person about all the good things and good times
Week 2:
Repeat Week 1
Journal about how Ex Lover and I each deserve to be happy even if its not with eachother
Have horrible dreams about Ex Lover
Increase chocolate consumption
Sit alone in dark kitchen eating cereal out of the box sans milk of any kind
Week 3:
Repeat Week 1
Repeat Week 2
Journal about how I hate Ex Lover so damn much and all Ex Lover ever did was bring misery and pain into my life. Ex Lover is a damn liar and deserves nothing but heartache and emptiness forever.
Venture out in public- dressed to impress- and count how many people who resemble Ex Lover check me out/hit on me
Cry just a little more
Make a mix of songs that remind me of Ex Lover
Week 4:
Wake up happy and "over it"
Go about my usual life
Hang out with friends again who have all but forgotten my name and what I look like
Forget about Ex Lover
Week 5 (or beyond):
Receive random text/email/phone call from Ex Lover
Delete
Ok, well I guess I've gotten off the subject here...
So Swingers is awesome! It is on my list of favorite movies EVER!
I just really like how I can relate to Jon Favreau's character. Although, I think most of us can. And I'm rambling... Remind me not to watch movies and blog at the same time! (Ha!)
Its funny, helps me put things into prospective while still allowing me to take my mind off things. There, I said it.
And sometimes I don't need to be heartbroken to watch it. Like today, I'm just in the mood for it!
Well, this ramble has gone on long enough! Instead of talking about my other choices I'll cut this short for now! Anyway I'm nom nom nom-ing on some yummy salad!
*Extreme exaggeration, here
Side note: The title of this entry is a line from Swingers. That particular scene was playing whilst I was thinking of a title...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Daily Double!
Ok, so this is hardly Jeopardy! But that's the most I could come up with! So, FINALLY...music. And this isn't exactly what I wanted to start with when I decided to begin talking about music. For one I'm a HUGE Ray LaMontagne fan. Seriously. His music has been a big part of my life for a few years now. I remember the first time I heard "Trouble"...I was floored.
Alas, that is not what I wanted to talk about with this post. No, thatpsycho in depth post will have to wait for another time.
Now, again, I'm a strange girl with (surprise!) a strange taste in music...so I've been told. I grew being around family and friends who all had pretty much different tastes in music that have influenced me for life. My taste varies from Chopin to Simon and Garfunkel to Iron Butterfly to Barry Manilow to The Cure to Ray LaMontagne to Alison Krauss to Distrubed. I mean I pretty much listen to all types of music. With perhaps the exception of most rap, hip-hop and religious music.
And for the most part, lately I've been keeping things light playing Matt Nathanson, Missy Higgins, Matt Duke..stuff like that.
And I guess I should say that what draws me to a particular artist or song isn't just about sound. For me, it really has to be alot more. I need good lyrics (although I've been known to like stuff with stupid/cheesy lyrics) and a sense of being able to relate in some way to the song. Or it just strikes me in someway. Eh, I don't know how to describe it really and who the hell are you to judge me?? I jest!
So that brings me to the WHOLE reason I wanted to post again today. I came across this song by this band, Dommin. I haven't heard any other of their songs, therefore I cannot say that I do/don't like this band. However, I really do like this song: "My Heart, Your Hands". Of course the lyrics I thoroughly enjoy are "How can I trust you with my heart in your hands, losing your grip". Nice! And perhaps, again, I just really like the damn song! At the end of the day, that's all that matters!!
Alas, that is not what I wanted to talk about with this post. No, that
Now, again, I'm a strange girl with (surprise!) a strange taste in music...so I've been told. I grew being around family and friends who all had pretty much different tastes in music that have influenced me for life. My taste varies from Chopin to Simon and Garfunkel to Iron Butterfly to Barry Manilow to The Cure to Ray LaMontagne to Alison Krauss to Distrubed. I mean I pretty much listen to all types of music. With perhaps the exception of most rap, hip-hop and religious music.
And for the most part, lately I've been keeping things light playing Matt Nathanson, Missy Higgins, Matt Duke..stuff like that.
And I guess I should say that what draws me to a particular artist or song isn't just about sound. For me, it really has to be alot more. I need good lyrics (although I've been known to like stuff with stupid/cheesy lyrics) and a sense of being able to relate in some way to the song. Or it just strikes me in someway. Eh, I don't know how to describe it really and who the hell are you to judge me?? I jest!
So that brings me to the WHOLE reason I wanted to post again today. I came across this song by this band, Dommin. I haven't heard any other of their songs, therefore I cannot say that I do/don't like this band. However, I really do like this song: "My Heart, Your Hands". Of course the lyrics I thoroughly enjoy are "How can I trust you with my heart in your hands, losing your grip". Nice! And perhaps, again, I just really like the damn song! At the end of the day, that's all that matters!!
I'm Heartbroken and a Fool...with Good Dreams
I never thought I'd say this, but when the hell is Spring getting here? I'm hoping with a new season comes a feeling of new beginning or a chance for a fresh start. Time for "Spring cleaning", I guess.
So, yeah, that means I'm still hurting...alot. Always just trying to make sense of things. Keep replaying his and my words over and over again. I just wonder sometimes if its something I did or said or didn't say or do. Unless he's just an asshole in disguise. Or maybe, not. Talking with one of my friends the other day, I came up with the very real possibility that this guy is young (well, slightly younger than me, both in our 20s) and he may be smart and mature, but he still has to grow up. One thing I've come to learn with life is that when things get bad (because, hey, well all go through some tough shit!) you can take time for yourself to sort things out, but you never push your friends away. Well, not if they actually mean something to you. And if really, all he needed was time to sort his problems out, that's all he needed to say instead of the way he went about things. Another friend of mine thinks that he will contact me again in the future and that hopefully I'll be passed all this crap because I deserve so much better, in love and in friendship. I think so too.
I have a headache.
These last two weeks being sick has been horrible. Really.
However, I had a strange dream last night. *ok, here is where I back up and explain myself* Those who know me, know I am, for lack of a better description, a strange girl. And when I dream, you are damn skippy right they are strange. I also have prophetic dreams. A lot of the time, my dreams will actually come true-- or at least a part of them. I can dream about a person and will actually meet them in the future. Just don't call me psychic. I don't believe myself to be nor do I really believe in them. And I'm not saying that this dream will actually come true (haha). So, yeah...that's my story...back to the dream *side note: I suck at re-telling my dreams... (insert evil laugh)
The dream took place in a metropolitan-ish area. The sun was setting behind tall buildings and signs of night-life were begining to populate the streets. I was walking down a crowded avenue with a group of people some of whom I didn't know and others were "familiar strangers". I didn't recognize their faces but I did get vibes that I knew them. We were all dressed nicely and on our way to a restaurant for a birthday get-together. One of the gentlemen accompanying us began a conversation with me. He was tall, with brown hair and soft brown eyes. He had light, creamy skin and a great smile. He was british, his voice deep but gentle. I felt nervous as he moved to walk beside me but the instant he began to speak I felt a sudden rush of calm and was totally at ease. The conversation flowed easily and effortlessly, we spent the walk laughing and having a good time. We all arrived at this tiny Italian restaurant and he held the tall, heavy wooden door open for us to enter. I was the last to pass through and as I did, he grabbed me with his free hand and pulled me into him and gave me a deep kiss. I felt so overcome with passion as his warm lips found mine and pressed against them hard. He looked deep into my eyes and I had to quickly look away from the intensity. We all stood together waiting to be seated and he and I kept exchanging shy glances at eachother. Finally, at the table, he ordered a bottle of wine for everyone and looked at me and announced to everyone that there was "much to celebrate". The rest of the evening was full of laughter, great conversation and good times. The birthday girl was glowing and excited. I just remember feeling something I haven't felt in such a long time: belonging, happiness, love, togetherness, warmth and friendship. Despite being sick, I woke up in a good mood and a smile on my face.
Maybe that's the whole purpose of that dream to be filled with hope. Especially at this time when I felt so hopeless and lost. When confusion has taken over me and replaced beauty with darkness and emptiness. I take that dream and the smile it put on my face and will try to move forward in a positive manner and take care of me now. I can't mourn and grieve forever...
And with that should be the end of this entry, right? Well, no! Mwahahaha I still have a little bit more to say. I've been thinking alot lately and with everything: my job, my friends, my family, my life in general, I really think I'm going to make a giant leap for "me" kind and get the fuck outta dodge! Mama needs a change of scenery. I've been thinking of moving west. Northwest, southwest, west. I guess this is my "manifest destiny"...or maybe not. I just want to assert my need for independence and/or growth. And meeting new people and experiencing new things just might be good for me! We'll see!
So, yeah, that means I'm still hurting...alot. Always just trying to make sense of things. Keep replaying his and my words over and over again. I just wonder sometimes if its something I did or said or didn't say or do. Unless he's just an asshole in disguise. Or maybe, not. Talking with one of my friends the other day, I came up with the very real possibility that this guy is young (well, slightly younger than me, both in our 20s) and he may be smart and mature, but he still has to grow up. One thing I've come to learn with life is that when things get bad (because, hey, well all go through some tough shit!) you can take time for yourself to sort things out, but you never push your friends away. Well, not if they actually mean something to you. And if really, all he needed was time to sort his problems out, that's all he needed to say instead of the way he went about things. Another friend of mine thinks that he will contact me again in the future and that hopefully I'll be passed all this crap because I deserve so much better, in love and in friendship. I think so too.
I have a headache.
These last two weeks being sick has been horrible. Really.
However, I had a strange dream last night. *ok, here is where I back up and explain myself* Those who know me, know I am, for lack of a better description, a strange girl. And when I dream, you are damn skippy right they are strange. I also have prophetic dreams. A lot of the time, my dreams will actually come true-- or at least a part of them. I can dream about a person and will actually meet them in the future. Just don't call me psychic. I don't believe myself to be nor do I really believe in them. And I'm not saying that this dream will actually come true (haha). So, yeah...that's my story...back to the dream *side note: I suck at re-telling my dreams... (insert evil laugh)
The dream took place in a metropolitan-ish area. The sun was setting behind tall buildings and signs of night-life were begining to populate the streets. I was walking down a crowded avenue with a group of people some of whom I didn't know and others were "familiar strangers". I didn't recognize their faces but I did get vibes that I knew them. We were all dressed nicely and on our way to a restaurant for a birthday get-together. One of the gentlemen accompanying us began a conversation with me. He was tall, with brown hair and soft brown eyes. He had light, creamy skin and a great smile. He was british, his voice deep but gentle. I felt nervous as he moved to walk beside me but the instant he began to speak I felt a sudden rush of calm and was totally at ease. The conversation flowed easily and effortlessly, we spent the walk laughing and having a good time. We all arrived at this tiny Italian restaurant and he held the tall, heavy wooden door open for us to enter. I was the last to pass through and as I did, he grabbed me with his free hand and pulled me into him and gave me a deep kiss. I felt so overcome with passion as his warm lips found mine and pressed against them hard. He looked deep into my eyes and I had to quickly look away from the intensity. We all stood together waiting to be seated and he and I kept exchanging shy glances at eachother. Finally, at the table, he ordered a bottle of wine for everyone and looked at me and announced to everyone that there was "much to celebrate". The rest of the evening was full of laughter, great conversation and good times. The birthday girl was glowing and excited. I just remember feeling something I haven't felt in such a long time: belonging, happiness, love, togetherness, warmth and friendship. Despite being sick, I woke up in a good mood and a smile on my face.
Maybe that's the whole purpose of that dream to be filled with hope. Especially at this time when I felt so hopeless and lost. When confusion has taken over me and replaced beauty with darkness and emptiness. I take that dream and the smile it put on my face and will try to move forward in a positive manner and take care of me now. I can't mourn and grieve forever...
And with that should be the end of this entry, right? Well, no! Mwahahaha I still have a little bit more to say. I've been thinking alot lately and with everything: my job, my friends, my family, my life in general, I really think I'm going to make a giant leap for "me" kind and get the fuck outta dodge! Mama needs a change of scenery. I've been thinking of moving west. Northwest, southwest, west. I guess this is my "manifest destiny"...or maybe not. I just want to assert my need for independence and/or growth. And meeting new people and experiencing new things just might be good for me! We'll see!
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